The Ballad of Groo in Oz




Part I


The magic kingdom known as Oz had never thought they’d see,

Worse trouble than a wicked witch and her flying monkey.

The little girl from Kansas, her dog inside the basket,

With her house she killed a witch, the Munchkins popped a gasket.

And ruby slippers on her feet, she carried quite the load,

Singing toward the city of green, down the yellow brick road.

Where she would throw some water on an unsuspecting witch,

And the witch cried out that Dorothy was a meddlesome… MELTING, I’M MELTING


But once the girl had left the land, back over the rainbow,

A warrior so mighty but with less brains than Scarecrow,

Arrived in Oz with swords ablaze one fine and handsome day,

Any semblance of sanity was thusly chased away.

Don’t ever call him “MENDICANT,” don’t let it slip your lip,

And if you do, prepare to offer him all your cheese dip.

`Cuz although he knows not what the word “mendicant” does mean,

His violence will be triggered more than you have ever seen.


A master swordsman he may be, though he is quite the tool,

And luck be not your lady as you’ll feel just like a fool.

With him it’s just as likely that a victim you will be,

And you will have to watch him destroy all your property.

The Wanderer may not intend such chaos to dispense,

But plans and thoughts don’t cross his head because he’s rather dense.

The Winkies, Witches, Lions, Munchkins; they all have no clue,

The Land of Oz has never seen a specimen like Groo.


Moral:  Not all dreams come true… some nightmares do too”

Groo II

The Ballad of Groo in Oz Part II

Oz is a magical land

Over the Rainbow it’s found

A good chance exists Groo’s band

Will tear down Oz to the ground


The first of the team Groo met.

Had white whiskers and blue skin.

Bad luck he hoped to offset

Despite his feeling chagrin.


Papa Smurf was a wizard

And a wise village leader.

He made potions with lizard

In his tree house of cedar


The Smurf patriarch was he

Knowledgeable, gentle, wise.

His hobby was alchemy

Elixirs he would devise.


Energetic for his age

At five hundred forty two

It feels worse for the blue mage

When he spends his time with Groo.


Into the house Groo entered,

The thought not ever crossing,

How terrible would be centered

Over which Groo was glossing.


“Good to see you, my friend, Groo,

Please enter my tree house.”

Papa Smurf’s hopes will construe

Those famous last words espouse.


Papa Smurf was diligent,

Working on his next potion.

A special brewed supplement

Of which he had a notion.


“Careful, Groo, it’s delicate

And it’s likely flammable.”

His statement was definite

If not, it was laughable.


Ox-like, Groo said, “Let me see!”

And stomped toward the concoction.

Groo’s mass sent the mixture free

Like cattle herd at auction.


The plume of smoke pillared out.

Flames ignited through the air.

Groo looked at the charbroiled sprout

And he asked him, “Did I err?”


Moral:  “Some things are better done alone.”




For the Ballad of Groo in Oz Part III
The tale of a very special kitty
Known as a hero to the great unwashed hordes.
Puss in Boots is the small orange cat’s name,
Heroic action’s this cat’s claim to fame.
Wearing black boots, a hat, and crossing his swords.
When his path passed with Groo one sunny day,
He challenged Groo with a hearty ole’
With a slash of his sword, Puss pushed on ahead.
Though Groo does not have much in way of brains,
Swordplay is a skill Groo always maintains.
A challenge to Groo’s like a bull seeing red.
Puss moved on Groo with a parry and thrust,
But the savage response left Puss nonplussed.
Puss realized that he had made a mistake.
Puss bowed and removed his Cavalier hat,
“You’re a true hero,” said the tabby cat.

“Together, villains shall tremble in our wake!”
Groo said, “Bah,” and started to walk away.
“Hold up senor,” Puss said, “Please if I may.
I will convince you!” Puss held out his small paw.
So Groo looked back at the wide, blue-eyed stare.
The cat’s hat held in his paws with a flair.
The Wanderer’s melted with just one word: “Awwwww”

Moral: If you can’t beat them, suck up.


Groo 4


Groo in Oz Part IV
Rhyming with Groo

As Groo walked through the Land of Oz one bright and shiny day,
He came across a giant on a bridge blocking his way.
The giant held a rock in his formidable hand,
His friendly smile seemed out of place like it was no man’s land.
Groo walked up to the giant looking him square in the waist.
“I wish to pass by on this bridge, so move without much haste.”
The giant said, “Anchovy paste,” rhyming with Groo’s last phrase.
Then Groo asked him, “What was that?” vexed within a state of haze.
“Alley Cat,” the giant said, spotting Puss with a gesture.
Groo yelled, “Stop it right now!” as the rhymes began to fester.
“Beschäftigt hausfrauhe,“ he did say, rhyming now in German.
Groo unsheathed both of his swords to give a giant sermon.
“Calm down, Groo,“ said Papa Smurf not wishing a violent scene.
“Yabbadabbadoo,“ the mammoth man sang in his routine.
“Now that did it,“ Groo exclaimed,“ prepare yourself for battle.“
The giant grasped his rock tightly, “That’s just foolish prattle.“
Before Groo could explode, Puss in Boots stepped in the middle.
Puss said, “Sir, if you’d be kind to help me with a riddle.
Why do you insist to rhyme every word that we do say?“
The giant paused a moment and then said, “I like to play.“
“I mean you no harm,“ he did say, putting down his boulder.
“I like you, little friend,“ patting Groo upon his shoulder.
Groo put away his swords, knowing there’d be no fight today,
And the giant stepped aside avoiding the painful fray.
“But I am lonely all the time,“ the giant sadly said.
“Could I join your band of cohorts,“ the giant all but pled.
“OK,“ Groo said,“ but keep the rhymes to a bare minimum.“
“Yes, I promise,“ he did say, adding, “Ceylon cinnamon“
Groo slapped his head at the last rhyme and moved on cross the bridge.
The giant snatched up Puss and Papa, placing them on his back.
“My name is Fezzik,“ said the giant, his head in the skies.
“Devil’s walking stick,“ the cat rhymed, making Groo roll his eyes.

Groo V

The Ballad of Groo in Oz Part V

Fezzik looked at his new mate
This he thought was really great.
Papa Smurf and Puss in Boots
Gave the giant two salutes.
Fezzik turned and said to Groo
“I know what we have to do.
In the town there is a man,
Who will fit in with this clan.
He’s my friend; to him we go.
You may call him Inigo.”
With those words Fezzik lumbered
Excitement unencumbered.
Unlikely this committee
Approached Emerald City
And inside the walls of green
Two old friends would reconvene.
Inigo and Fezzik hug
Puss and Groo exchanged a shrug.
“Welcome, after your long trip,
Can I offer you cheese dip?”
Sparkles in the eyes of Groo
As he lunged for the fondue.
Inigo had never seen
A cheese dip eating machine
Papa Smurf’s fingers did drum
“I’m not sure we should have come.
Bringing Groo to this green place,
Will we cause it to debase?”
“You worry too much,” Puss said,
“It’s not like we’ll end up dead.”
“About us, I do not fear,”
Papa Smurf said with a sneer,
“But first hand I did witness,
The dangers of Groo’s fitness,
And citizens of this town,
Could behold it tumble down.”
At the Smurf Inigo laughed
Saying, “Sir you are quite daft.
Look at that chap eating there,
He’s no danger, this I swear.
Witches, beasties, all the sort,
Come to Oz where they cavort.
What exactly do you think?
That this guy’s the missing link?”
Papa Smurf jumped on a trunk.
“Did you know Atlantis sunk?
Across the land the plague smeared,
And the Incas disappeared.
The taste treat called Soylent Green,
And the life of Charlie Sheen.
Camelot was brought to shame.
Do you know who was to blame?”
With the news Inigo heard
Fears inside him were now spurred.
Measured on a massive scale,
Groo in Oz an epic fail.

Moral: Groo is not always what he seems


Groo VI

The Ballad of Groo in Oz Part VI

As the Wanderers departed from Inigo’s jade house
The streets of Emerald City were quiet as a mouse.
The eerie silence scared them all and cause them to quiver.
Except, of course, for Groo who was thinking with his liver.

The sparkle from the green buildings as the sun slowly set,
Shone brightly as they saw a Munchkin attempting to jet.
Fezzik reached his hand and grabbed the Munchkin by the collar.
The little fellow was scared, he couldn’t even holler.

“I mean you no harm. Please don’t hurt me,” cried the little man.
“If you free me I will give you everything that I can.”
They watched him as the little man kicked his feet in the air.
But Fezzik’s grip was strong, he wasn’t going anywhere.

“Pardon me senor, what has gotten you in such trouble?”
With a smile asked Inigo, invading the man’s bubble.
“Such horrors,” said the Munchkin, “Life in Oz is rather grim.”
At Groo Papa Smurf pointed, “It cannot be worse than him.”

“It is, O short one,” said the Munchkin to the little Smurf.
“I fear that nothing can be done to protect Oz’s turf.”
The quaking in his voice ensconsed the group at high alert,
Except, of course, for Groo, whose will was about to assert.

“Speak, little man!” screamed Groo. “Speak your mind, do not hold your tongue.
Your luck has changed as Groo is here, these terrors will be stung.”
A shiver crossed the Munchkins spine, ironic to the max.
Could Oz be saved by Groo from the dangers of the Sleestaks?


Groo VII

The Ballad of Groo in Oz Part VII
Dogs and Cats

With the Sleestaks in Oz, bad trouble was near
And Groo’s on the case, so there’s plenty to fear.
The only thing left that was not a pity.
To chase them Groo had left Emerald City.
Then Groo and his friends walked the Yellow Brick Road
The Sleestak riddle they had hoped to decode.
When look who they found on their way down the lane.
Groo’s dog Rufferto reunited again.
When spotting his master, his tail he did wave,
Rufferto loved Groo, his attention did crave.
But Puss in Boots could not believe what he saw…
He arched his back, hissed and unsheathed his cat claws.
Yet Groo’s dog Rufferto, he gave Puss no heed.
To be with his master was all he would need.
Though Rufferto had gotten lost in the land,
Groo had not yet noticed his dog was offhand.
Unnerved by the canine, Puss in Boots said, “Groo
I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little dog too.”
Groo was bewildered and to Puss he said, “What?”
The cat answered, “What do we need with this mutt?”
Groo said, “The same reason I keep you around,
A fresh fricassee when no food can be found.”
Puss burst in laughter despite the sudden glitch,
That Groo really saw him as a cat sandwich.


The Ballad of Groo in Oz Part VIII

As Groo and his companions
Moved thru the forest that day
They came across a canyan
And a Knight blocking the way.
With this bloke was something strange
Unlike even the worst dregs,
About him this was a change
This knight had no arms or legs.
“None shall pass,” the torso said.
“I move for no man or batch.”
Groo looked shocked, “How aren’t you dead?”
He said, “This? `Tis but a scratch.”
Puss said, “It looks worse than that.”
And then Papa Smurf agreed.
On his head, Fezzik did pat,
While Inigo said, “Indeed.”
“Come,” Groo said, “We must depart.
This Black Knight’s fate has been sealed.”
“The blood still pumps through my heart,
Never shall my duty yield!”
“Are you nuts? What can you do?
Even Puss would win,” Groo coughed.
“When faced with the swords of Groo,”
He said, “I’ll bite your legs off.
I’m invincible,” said he,
“The honorable Black Knight.
You yellow bastards should flee
So you will not lose this fight.”
Groo smiled at the bravado
The Black Knight’s torso did show.
He’s one tough desperado.
Their meting was apropos.
Groo said, “Fezzik, grab the Knight,
Let’s carry him on our quest.”
Who would guess that he just might
Become much more than a pest?

Groo Part IX

The Ballad of Groo in Oz Part IX

And so we have come to the end of this tale
A story about the one true alpha male
The big battle between Groo and the Sleestak
Would ravage the land with each vicious attack.
Though the confrontation brought them both much fame
The Land of Oz will never be quite the same.
The exploits in this ballad which I do sing,
Do not do justice to the actual thing.
The horrors and terrors you just can’t believe,
Some natives were shocked at what they did achieve.
Course everyone should have known what to expect
Wherever Groo goes things do tend to get wrecked.

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