#61

The Biggest Ball of Twine in Minnesota

Title: “The Biggest Ball of Twine in Minnesota”

Written: Al Yankovic

Album: UHF

Released: 1989

Genre: Folk Rock

Style Parody: Harry Chapin, Gordon Lightfoot

The epic song shows that Al can be a storyteller like Chapin’s 30,000 Pounds of Bananas or Gordon Lightfoot’s Wreck of the Edmond Fitzgerald.

I was unaware when the song came out that the Biggest Ball of Twine in Minnesota was a legitimate location. Places listed in the song such as Elvis-A-Rama, the Tupperware Museum, the Boll Weevil Monument, Cranberry World, the Shuffleboard Hall of Fame, and Poodle Dog Rock are all actual attractions.

My friend and co-EYG brother Darin used the phrase “albino squirrels” from this song as his fantasy baseball team name for years.

Lyrics

Well, I had two weeks of vacation time coming
After workin’ all year down at Big Roy’s Heating and Plumbing
So one night, when my family and I were gathered ’round the dinner table
I said, “Kids, if you could go anywhere in this great big world now
Wwhere’d you like to go to?”
They said, “Dad, we wanna see the biggest ball of twine in Minnesota”
They picked the biggest ball of twine in Minnesota

So the very next day we loaded up the car
With potato skins and pickled weiners
Crossword puzzles, Spiderman comics
And mama’s homemade rhubarb pie
Pulled out of the driveway
And the neighbors, they all waved goodbye
And so began our three-day journey
We picked up a guy holdin’ a sign
That said “Twine Ball or Bust”
He smelled real bad, and he said his name was Bernie

I put in a Slim Whitman tape
My wife put on a brand new hair net
The kids were in the back seat jumpin’ up and down
Yellin’, “Are we there yet?”
And all of us were joined together in one common thought
As we rolled down the long and winding Interstate in our ’53 DeSota
We’re gonna see the biggest ball of twine in Minnesota
We’re headin’ for the biggest ball of twine in Minnesota

Oh, we couldn’t wait to get there
So we drove straight through for three whole days and nights
Of course, we stopped for more pickled weiners now and then
The scenery was just so pretty
Boy, I wish the kids could’ve seen it
But you can’t see out of the side of the car
Because the windows are completely covered
With the decals from all the places where we’ve already been

Like Elvis-a-Rama, the Tupperware Museum
The Boll Weevil Monument, and Cranberry World
The Shuffleboard Hall of Fame, Poodle Dog Rock
And the Mecca of Albino Squirrels
We’ve been to ghost towns, steam parks, wax museums
And a place where you can drive through the middle of a tree
Seen alligator farms and tarantula ranches
But there’s still one thing we’ve gotta see

Well, we crossed the state line about 6:39
And we saw the sign that said “Twine Ball exit, 50 miles”
Oh, the kids were so happy, they started singing
“99 Bottles of Beer on the Wall” for the 27th time that day

So we pulled off the road at the last chance gas station
Got a few more pickled weiners and a diet chocolate soda
On our way to see the biggest ball of twine in Minnesota
We’re gonna see the biggest ball of twine in Minnesota

Finally at 7:37 early Wednesday evening
As the sun was setting in the Minnesota sky
Out in the distance, on the horizon
It appeared to me like a vision before my unbelieving eyes
We parked the car and walked with awe-filled reverence
Toward that glorious, huge, majestic sphere
I was just so overwhelmed by its sheer immensity
I had to pop myself a beer

Yes, on these hallowed grounds
Open ten to eight on weekdays
In a little shrine under a makeshift pagoda
There sits the biggest ball of twine in Minnesota
I tell you, it’s the biggest ball of twine in Minnesota

Oh, what on Earth would make a man
Decide to do that kind of thing?
Oh, windin’ up 21, 140 pounds of string
What was he tryin’ to prove?
Who was he tryin’ to impress?
Why did he build it? How did he do it?
It’s anybody’s guess
Where did he get the twine?
What was goin’ through his mind?
Did it just seem like a good idea at the time?

Well, we walked up beside it and I warned the kids
“Now you better not touch it, those ropes are there for a reason”
I said, “Maybe if you’re good, I’ll tie it to the back of our car
And we can take it home, ” but I was only teasin’

Then we went to the gift shop and stood in line
Bought a souvenir miniature ball of twine
Some window decals, and anything else they’d sell us
And I bought a couple postcards
“Greetings from the Twine Ball, wish you were here”
Won’t the folks back home be jealous?

I gave our camera to Bernie and we stood by the ball
And we all gathered around and said, “Cheese!”
Then Bernie ran away with my brand new Instamatic
But at least we’ve got our memories

So we all just stared at the ball for a while
And my eyes got moist, but I said with a smile
“Kids, this here’s what America’s all about”
Then I started feelin’ kinda gooey inside
And I fell on my knees and I cried and cried
And that’s when those security guards threw us out

You know, I bet if we unraveled that sucker
It’d roll all the way down to Fargo, North Dakota
‘Cause it’s the biggest ball of twine in Minnesota
I’m talkin’ ’bout the biggest ball of twine in Minnesota

Well, we stayed that night at the Twine Ball Inn
In the morning we were on our way home again
But we didn’t really wanna leave, that was perfectly clear
I said, “Folks, I can tell you’re all sad to go”
Then I winked my eye and I said, “You know
I got a funny kinda feeling we’ll be coming back again next year”

‘Cause I’ve been all around this great big world
And I can’t think of anywhere else I’d rather go to
Than the biggest ball of twine in Minnesota
I said the biggest ball of twine in Minnesota

Minnesota
Minnesota
Minnesota

Source: Musixmatch

#62

Pancreas

Title: “Pancreas”

Written: Al Yankovic

Album: Straight Outta Lynwood”

Release: 2006

Style pastiche: Beach Boys (Specifically Pet Sounds and Smile albums)

I got a question right while watching Jeopardy once because of this song. I had never heard of the Islets of Langerhans until this song came along. Weird Al educating us one style pastiche at a time!

Lyrics

Oooh oooh oooh ee-oooh oooh oooh
Ahh ahh ahh ahh ahh ahh-oooh oooh
Oooooh

I’m always thinkin’ ’bout it
I don’t know what I’d do without it
I love, I really love
My pancreas

My spleen just doesn’t matter
Don’t really care about my bladder
But I don’t leave home without
My pancreas

My pancreas is always
There for me
Ahh-oooh

Secreting those enzymes (bap bap bap)
Secreting those hormones too
Metabolizing carbohydrates
Just for me

Ba-ba ba ba-ba ba ba ba-ba ba ba
My pancreas
Ba-ba ba ba-ba ba ba ba-ba ba
My pancreas
Ba-ba ba ba-ba ba ba ba-ba ba ba
My pancreas
Ba-ba ba ba-ba ba ba ba-ba ba
My pancreas

Ba-ba ba ba-ba ba ba ba-ba ba ba
My pancreas
Ba-ba ba ba-ba ba ba ba-ba ba
My pancreas
Ooooooh

My pancreas attracts every other
Pancreas in the universe
With a force proportional
To the product of their masses
And inversely proportional
To the distance between them

Woo woo woo woo

Don’tcha you know you gotta
Flow, flow, flow, pancreatic juice
Flow, flow, into the deuodenum

Won’tcha
Flow, flow, flow, pancreatic juice
Flow, flow, into the deuodenum

Insulin, glucagon
(Won’tcha flow, flow, flow, pancreatic juice)
Comin’ from the islets of Langerhans…
(Flow flow, into the deuodenum)

Insulin, glucagon
(Won’tcha flow flow flow, pancreatic juice)
Comin’ from the islets of Langerhans…
(Flow flow, into the deuodenum)

Lipase, amylase, and tripsin

They gonna help with our digestion

Lipase, amylase, and tripsin

They gonna help with our digestion

Can’t you see I love my pancreas
(Lipase, amylase, and tripsin)

Golly-gee I love my pancreas
(They gonna help with our digestion)

Can’t you see I love my pancreas
(Lipase, amylase, and tripsin)

Golly-gee I love my pancreas
{They gonna help with our digestion}

Can’t you see I love my pancreas
(Lipase, amylase, and tripsin)

Golly-gee I love my pancreas
(They gonna help with our digestion})

Can’t you see I love my pancreas

Source: Musixmatch

#63

Weasel Stomping Day

Title: “Weasel Stomping Day”

Written: Al Yankovic

Album: Straight Outta Lynwood

Released: 2006

Style: Bright, frestie sound

Weasel Stomping Day parodied the bizarre, oftentimes cruel, traditions associated with some holiday/special occassions. The animated video was done by the Robot Chicken crew.

Lyrics

Faces filled with joy and cheer
What a magical time of year
Howdy Ho! It’s Weasel Stomping Day

Put your Viking helmet on
Spread that mayonnaise on the lawn
Don’t you know it’s Weasel Stomping Day?

All the little girls and boys
Love that wonderful crunching noise
You’ll know what this day’s about
When you stomp a weasel’s guts right out

So, come along and have a laugh
Snap their weasely spines in half
Grab your boots and stomp your cares away
Hip hip hooray, it’s Weasel Stomping Day

People up and down the street
Crushing weasels beneath their feet
Why we do it, who can say?
But it’s such a festive holiday

So let the stomping fun begin
Bash their weasely skulls right in
It’s tradition, that makes it okay

Hey everyone, it’s Weasel Stomping
We’ll have some fun on Weasel Stomping
Put down your gun, it’s Weasel Stomping Day
Hip Hip Hooray, it’s Weasel Stomping Day
Weasel Stomping Day

Source: Musixmatch

#67

Phony Calls

Title: “Phony Calls”

Written: Lisa Lopes / Marqueze Ethridge / Patrick A. Brown / Ramon Murray / Rico Renard Wade /Al Yankovic

Album: Bad Hair Day

Release: 1996

Parody: “Waterfalls” by TLC

Genre: R & B

Samples: A prank call from Bart Simpson to Moe on The Simpsons. Voices were donbe by Nancy Cartwright (Bart) and Hank Azaria.

This is another great parody that would be out of date. With cell phones and caller ID, the prank call as they sing about here is much lesser. The parody of “Waterfalls” is still a brilliant work and the cameos by Bart and Moe really pull the song together.

Lyrics

Mom and dad are goin’ out for the evening
And you’re stuck inside the house all alone
That’s when you decided it might be fun to harass someone
Dial a random number up on your telephone
You ask if their refrigerator is running
Then you tell ’em they should go out and catch it
Buddy, if they ever figured out where you were callin’ ’em from
They’d come and bust your head right in with a ratchet
Listen to me
Don’t go makin’ phony calls
Please stick to the seven-digit numbers you’re used to
I know that you think it’s funny drivin’ folks up the wall
But it’s really gettin’ old fast
Little Melvin has a natural obsession
Askin’ for Prince Albert in a can
He gets a kick each time he makes a collect call
To some guy he doesn’t know who lives in Japan
He’s callin’ strangers up at three in the morning
Gives ’em pizza pie delivery at four
He won’t be laughin when they’re tracin’ his line
One day the phone police will be there at his door
Yo, hear me
Don’t go makin’ phony calls
Only dial the seven-digit numbers you’re used to
Swear someday I’m gonna yank that phone cord right out from the wall
How long is this phase gonna last?
Come on Moe’s bar, what’ll ya eat, beat or drink?
Uh, yeah, hello, is Mike there?
Last name Rotch.
Hold on. I’ll check.
Mike Rotch! Mike Rotch!
Hey, has anybody seen Mike Rotch lately?
Listen to me, you little puke.
One of these days, I’m going to catch you,
And I’m going to carve my name on your back with an ice pick!
Don’t go makin’ phony calls
Please stick to the seven-digit numbers you’re used to
You went through the New York City phone book and prank called ’em all
Hope that you grow out of this fast
Dont’ go makin’ phony calls,
Please stick to the seven-digit numbers you’re used to
Betcha think it’s funny when you’re drivin’ folks right up the wall
But you’re just a pain in the aaa….

Source: LyricFind

#69

Since You’ve Been Gone

Title: Since You’ve Been Gone

Written: Al Yankovic

Album: Bad Hair Day

Release: 1996

Style: a capella/1960s pop-rock

This is a fun song, in the same general vein as “One More Minute.” This is one of the few Al songs that had an official karaoke version as a B side to Gump.

Lyrics

Since you’ve been gone
Well, I feel like I’ve been chewing on tinfoil
Since you’ve been gone
It’s like I got a great big mouthful of cod liver oil
Oh well, I’m feelin’ like I stuck my hand
Inside a blender and turned it on
You know, I’ve been in a butt load of pain
Since you’ve been gone
(Since you’ve been gone)
I couldn’t feel any worse if you dropped
A two-ton bowling ball on my toes
(Since you’ve been gone)
It couldn’t hurt anymore if you shoved
A red-hot cactus up my nose

Since you’ve been gone
Well, it feels like I’m getting tetanus shots every day
Since you’ve been gone
It’s like I’ve got an ice cream headache that won’t go away
Ever since the day you left me
I’ve been so miserable, my dear
I feel almost as bad as I did
When you were still here

Source: LyricFind

#72

Gump

Title: “Gump”

Album: Bad Hair Day

Release: 1996

Written: Chris Ballew/ Jason S. Finn / David Michael Dederer/Al Yankovic

Parody: “Lump” by The Presidents of the United States

Another topic that Al uses in his songs was movies. He has spoofed Spider-Man, Star Wars, and this one, based on the film Forrest Gump. Al’s video is another example of what Weird Al does as he parodied the Presidents of the Unites States as well. Ruth Buzzi guest starred as well.

Lyrics

Gump sat alone on a bench in the park
“My name is Forrest”, he’d casually remark
Waitin’ for the bus with his hands in his pockets
He just kept sayin’ life is like a box of chocolates

He’s Gump, he’s Gump
What’s in his head?
He’s Gump, he’s Gump, he’s Gump
Is he in-bred?

Gump was a big celebrity
He told JFK that he really had to pee
He never feels too dumb because
His mom always told him stupid is as stupid does

He’s Gump, he’s Gump
He’s kinda square
He’s Gump, he’s Gump, he’s Gump
What’s with that hair?
Wow!

Run, run
Run, run, now Forrest, run
Run
Run like the wind now
Run, run
Run, run, now Forrest, run
Stop!

His buddy Bubba was a shrimp-lovin’ man
His friend with no legs he called Lieutenant Dan
His girlfriend Jenny was kind of a slut
Went to the White House, showed LBJ his butt

He’s Gump, he’s Gump
He’s not too bright
He’s Gump, he’s Gump, he’s Gump
But he’s alright
Wow!

Is this Gump out of his head?
I think so
Is this Gump really brain dead?
I think so
Yeah, woo!
Did this Gump make lots of bread?
I think so
And that’s all I have to say about that

Source: Musixmatch

#73

Toothless People

Title: “Toothless People”

Written:  Mick Jagger/Daryl Hall/David A. Stewart/Al Yankovic

Album: Polka Party

Release: 1986

Parody: “Ruthless People” by Mick Jagger

This is another hidden gem as Al parodied a title track to the movie Ruthless People. It was deep on the album Polka Party but was always a personal favorite.

Lyrics

They only show you their gums when they smile
Ain’t got a tooth in their heads now, how vile
Only can eat things like pudding and applesauce
They never have to buy toothpicks or dental floss

Hey, stand up
Toothless people, their breath is lethal, want to tell you
Hey, come on, stand up, get on your feet
Toothless people, old and feeble, what I say

No more of those pearly whites will they possess
Their oral hygiene is frightful, a mess
Lots of ’em suffering from trench mouth and gum disease
At least they don’t have to worry ’bout cavities

Hey, stand up, take out your teeth
Toothless people, old and feeble, oh yes

You can brush ’em, you can floss ’em
They’re something you just can’t ignore
If you lose ’em, you’re in trouble
‘Cause the tooth fairy won’t come no more
You need something to show your dentist
The next time he makes you say “Ah”
You don’t want to have to wind up
Eating all of your food through a straw

You’d better brush your teeth now (hey)
Toothless, toothless, toothless, toothless people
Hey, stand up, toothless people

Source: LyricFind