And so, we have reached #1 on the Top 100 Weird Al Songs, and it is Yoda. Yoda was played on the Doctor Demento Show for years prior to being released on Dare to Be Stupid because of the troubles Al had in securing the permission he always looked for from the label of the Kinks. According to Wikipedia, Al had a chance meeting with “Lola” writer, Ray Davies, and he asked him why he refused to approve the parody. Davies said that no one had asked him, which finally led to Yoda being released on Al’s third album.
I loved this song so much as a youngster. In my Speech class in high school, we were assigned to do a lip synch, and I chose to do Yoda. I received a perfect score from Mrs. Tilton (RIP).
Lyrics
I met him in a swamp down in Dagobah Where it bubbles all the time like a giant carbonated soda S O D A, soda
I saw the little runt sitting there on a log I asked him his name and in a raspy voice he said “Yoda” Y O D A, Yoda Yo-yo-yo-yo Yoda
Well, I’ve been around, but I ain’t never seen A guy who looks like a muppet, but he’s wrinkled and green Oh, my Yoda Yo-yo-yo-yo Yoda
Well, I’m not dumb, but I can’t understand How he can lift me in the air just by raising his hand Oh, my Yoda Yo-yo-yo-yo Yoda Yo-yo-yo-yo Yoda
Well, I left home just a week before And I’ve never ever been a Jedi before But Obi Wan, he set me straight, of course He said, “Go to Yoda and he’ll show you the Force”
Well I’m not the kind that would argue with Ben So it looks like I’m gonna start all over again With my Yoda Yo-yo-yo-yo Yoda Yo-yo-yo-yo Yoda Yoda Yo-yo-yo-yo Yoda Yo-yo-yo-yo Yoda
So I used the Force I picked up a box I lifted some rocks While I stood on my head Well, I won’t forget what Yoda said
He said, “Luke, stay away from the darker side And if you start to go astray, let the Force be your guide” Oh, my Yoda Yo-yo-yo-yo Yoda
“I know Darth Vader’s really got you annoyed But remember, if you kill him, then you’ll be unemployed” Oh, my Yoda Yo-yo-yo-yo Yoda
Well, I heard my friends really got in a mess So I’m gonna have to leave Yoda I guess But I know that I’ll be coming back some day I’ll be playing this part ’till I’m old and gray
The long-term contract I had to sign Says I’ll be making these movies till the end of time With my Yoda Yo-yo-yo-yo Yoda Yo-yo-yo-yo Yoda Yoda Yo-yo-yo-yo Yoda Yo-yo-yo-yo Yoda Yoda Yo-yo-yo-yo Yoda Yo-yo-yo-yo Yoda Yoda Yo-yo-yo-yo Yoda Yo-yo-yo-yo Yoda Yoda Yo-yo-yo-yo Yoda Yo-yo-yo-yo Yoda Yoda Yo-yo-yo-yo Yoda Yo-yo-yo-yo Yoda Yoda Yo-yo-yo-yo Yoda Yo-yo-yo-yo Yoda
In concert, Weird Al has done something special in the middle of the song. Dubbed the “Yoda Chant”, Al and his band slow down the music and begin a rhymical, a cappella chant that included a series of both mnemonic devices and bits from songs. Some of the pieces included in the Yoda Chant was “Frère Jacques,” “The Lion Sleeps Tonight,” “Surfin’ Bird,” the “Hawaiian War Chant,” the “Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oi Oi Oi,” and “Grim Grinning Ghosts” among others.
Written: Hakeem T. Seriki / Anthony Henderson / Oscar Edward Salinas / Juan Carlos Jr. Salinas/Al Yankovic
Style: Rap/Hip Hop
Topic: Nerd culture
Fact: This was Yankovic’s first-ever top 10 hit on the Billboard Hot 100 and his first single to be certified platinum.
We are down to two. I loved this song so much. I had never heard the original, and the parody is one of the greatest of all time.
Lyrics
They see me mowin’ My front lawn I know they’re all thinking I’m so white ‘n’ nerdy Think I’m just too white ‘n’ nerdy Think I’m just too white ‘n’ nerdy Can’t you see I’m white ‘n’ nerdy? Look at me, I’m white ‘n’ nerdy!
I wanna roll with The gangsters But so far they all think I’m too white ‘n’ nerdy Think I’m just too white ‘n’ nerdy Think I’m just too white ‘n’ nerdy I’m just too white ‘n’ nerdy Really, really white ‘n’ nerdy
First in my class here at M.I.T Got skills, I’m a champion at D&D MC Escher, that’s my favorite MC Keep your 40, I’ll just have an Earl Grey tea My rims never spin to the contrary You’ll find that they’re quite stationary All of my action figures are cherry Stephen Hawking’s in my library
My-MySpace page is all totally pimped out I got people begging for my topic spaces Yo, I know Pi out to a thousand places Ain’t got no grills but I still wear braces I order all of my sandwiches with mayonnaise I’m a whiz at Minesweeper, I can play for days Once you see my sweet moves you’re gonna stay amazed My fingers movin’ so fast I’ll set the place ablaze
There’s no killer app I haven’t run At Pascal well I’m number one Do vector calculus just for fun I ain’t got a gat but I gotta soldering gun Happy Days is my favorite theme song I can sure kick your butt in a game of ping pong I’ll ace any trivia quiz you bring on I’m fluent in JavaScript as well as Klingon
They see me roll on my Segway I know in my heart they think I’m White ‘n’ nerdy Think I’m just too white ‘n’ nerdy Think I’m just too white ‘n’ nerdy Can’t you see I’m white ‘n’ nerdy? Look at me, I’m white ‘n’ nerdy!
I’d like to roll with The gangsters Although it’s apparent I’m too White n’ nerdy Think I’m just too white ‘n’ nerdy Think I’m just too white ‘n’ nerdy I’m just too white ‘n’ nerdy How’d I get so white ‘n’ nerdy?
I’ve been browsing, inspectin’ X-Men comics you know I collect ’em The pens in my pocket, I must protect ’em My ergonomic keyboard never leaves me bored Shopping online for deals on some writable media I edit Wikipedia I memorized the Holy Grail really well I can recite it right now and have you “ROTFLOL”
I got a business doing websites When my friends need some code who do they call? I do HTML for them all Even made a homepage for my dog Yo, I got myself a fanny pack They were having a sale down at the GAP Spend my nights with a roll of bubble wrap Pop pop! Hope no one sees me get freaky!
I’m nerdy in the extreme And whiter than sour cream I was in AV club and Glee club And even the chess team! Only question I ever thought was hard Was do I like Kirk or do I like Picard? I spend every weekend at the Renaissance Faire I got my name on my underwear!
They see me strollin’ They laughin’ And rollin’ their eyes ’cause I’m so white ‘n’ nerdy Just because I’m white ‘n’ nerdy Just because I’m white ‘n’ nerdy All because I’m white ‘n’ nerdy Holy cow, I’m white ‘n’ nerdy!
I wanna bowl with The gangsters But oh well it’s obvious I’m White ‘n’ nerdy Think I’m just too white ‘n’ nerdy Think I’m just too white ‘n’ nerdy I’m just too white ‘n’ nerdy Look at me, I’m white ‘n’ nerdy!
Style parody: A doo-wop parody of artists like Elvis Presley and The Platters.
Style: Doo-Wop
This is the highest rated original song on this list. One More Minute is one of the greatest break up songs of all time.
Lyrics
Well I heard that you’re leavin’ Gonna leave me far behind ‘Cause you found a brand new lover You decided that I’m not your kind
So I pulled your name out of my Rolodex And I tore all your pictures in two And I burned down the malt shop where we used to go Just because it reminds me of you
That’s right, you ain’t gonna see me cryin’ I’m glad that you found somebody new ‘Cause I’d rather spend eternity eating shards of broken glass Than spend one more minute with you
I guess I might seem kinda bitter You got me feelin’ down in the dumps ‘Cause I’m stranded all alone in the gas station of love And I have to use the self service pumps
Oh, so honey, let me help you with that suitcase You ain’t gonna break my heart in two ‘Cause I’d rather get a hundred thousand paper cuts on my face Than spend one more minute with you
I’d rather rip out my intestines with a fork Than watch you going out with other men I’d rather slam my fingers in a door
Again and again and again and again and again Oh, can’t you see what I’m tryin’ to say, darlin’
I’d rather have my blood sucked out by leeches Shove an icepick under a toenail or two I’d rather clean all the bathrooms In Grand Central Station with my tongue Than spend one more minute with you
Yes, I’d rather jump naked on a huge pile of thumbtacks Or stick my nostrils together with crazy glue I’d rather dive into a swimming pool filled With double edged razor blades Than spend one more minute with you
I’d rather rip my heart right out of my ribcage With my bare hands and then throw it on the floor And stomp on it ’till I die
Written: Clifford Harris / Jr. / Pharrell Williams / Robin Thicke/Al Yankovic
Genre: Rap/Disco/R&B
Topic: Your bad grammar (NOT YOU’RE BAD GRAMMAR!)
I have shown this to my 7th grade literacy class since the release in 2014. It has all kinds of my personal gripes over grammar and the people who just do not know how important grammar is.
If you can’t write in the proper way If you don’t know how to conjugate Maybe you flunked that class And maybe now you find That people mock you online
Okay, now here’s the deal I’ll try to educate ya Gonna familiarize You with the nomenclature You’ll learn the definitions Of nouns and prepositions Literacy’s your mission And that’s why I think it’s a
Good time To learn some grammar Now, did I stammer Work on that grammar You should know when It’s “less” or it’s “fewer” Like people who were Never raised in a sewer
I hate these word crimes Like I could care less That means you do care At least a little Don’t be a moron You’d better slow down And use the right pronoun Show the world you’re no clown Everybody wise up!
Say you got an “I”, “T” Followed by apostrophe, “s” Now what does that mean? You would not use “it’s” in this case As a possessive It’s a contraction What’s a contraction? Well, it’s the shortening of a word, or a group of words By the omission of a sound or letter
Okay, now here’s some notes Syntax you’re always mangling No “x” in “espresso” Your participle’s danglin’ But I don’t want your drama If you really wanna Leave out that Oxford comma Just keep in mind
That “be”, “see”, “are”, “you” Are words, not letters Get it together Use your spellchecker You should never Write words using numbers Unless you’re seven Or your name is Prince
I hate these word crimes You really need a Full time proofreader You dumb mouth-breather Well, you should hire Some cunning linguist To help you distinguish What is proper English
One thing I ask of you Time to learn your homophones is past due Learn to diagram a sentence too Always say “to whom” Don’t ever say “to who” And listen up when I tell you this I hope you never use quotation marks for emphasis You finished second grade I hope you can tell If you’re doing good or doing well About better figure out the difference Irony is not coincidence And I thought that you’d gotten it through your skull What’s figurative and what’s literal Oh but, just now, you said You literally couldn’t get out of bed That really makes me want to literally Smack a crowbar upside your stupid head
I read your e-mail It’s quite apparent Your grammar’s errant You’re incoherent Saw your blog post It’s really fantastic That was sarcastic (Oh, psych!) ‘Cause you write like a spastic
I hate these Word Crimes Your prose is dopey Think you should only Write in emoji Oh, you’re a lost cause Go back to pre-school Get out of the gene pool Try your best to not drool
Never mind I give up Really now I give up Hey, hey, hey Hey, hey, hey Go away!
Included in: Lin-Manuel Miranda’s monthly “#Hamildrops” project
Written by Albert Johnson / Osten Harvey / Christopher Wallace / Roger Troutman / Kejuan Muchita / Lin-Manuel Miranda/Al Yankovic
Songs: “Alexander Hamilton,” “Wait For It,” “The Schuyler Sisters,” “Yorktown (The World Turned Upside Down),” “Dear Theodosia,” “You’ll Be Back,” “The Room Where It Happens,” “Right Hand Man,” “Guns and Ships,” “Washington on Your Side,” “Helpless,” “Non-Stop,” “History Has Its Eyes on You,” and “My Shot.”
This is Weird Al’s Polka Opus, taking the Broadway sensation Hamilton and turning it into a polka. There was a video of Lin-Manuel Miranda listening to The Hamilton Polka for the first time, and he had tears of joy running down his face. Miranda is a huge fan of Weird Al and you could tell how honored he was with Al using his work as a polka.
Lyrics
How does a bastard, orphan, son of a whore and a Scotsman, dropped in the middle of a forgotten Spot in the Caribbean by providence, impoverished, in squalor Grow up to be a hero and a scholar?
The ten-dollar Founding Father without a father Got a lot farther by working a lot harder By being a lot smarter By being a self-starter
By fourteen, they placed him in charge of the trading charter Alexander Hamilton My name is Alexander Hamilton And there’s a million things I haven’t done
But just you wait, just you wait Wait for it Wait for it Wait for it Wait for it
I am the one thing in life I can control Wait for it Wait for it Wait for it Wait for it
I am inimitable I am an original And if there’s a reason I’m still alive When so many have died Then I’m willin’ to—
I’m willing to Work, work! Angelica! Work, work!
Eliza! And Peggy—
Look around, at how lucky we are to be alive right now! History is happening in Manhattan and we just happen to be In the greatest city In the greatest city in the world! The world turned upside down The world turned upside down The world turned upside down The world turned upside down
Yeah you’ll blow us all away Oceans rise, empires fall We have seen each other through it all And when push comes to shove
I will send a fully armed battalion to remind you of my love! Da da da dat da dat da da da da ya da Da da dat dat da da ya da!
No one else was in The room where it happened The room where it happened The room where it happened No one else was in
The room where it happened The room where it happened The room where it happened No one really knows how the game is played
The art of the trade How the sausage gets made We just assume that it happens But no one else is in the room where it happens
We are outgunned (What?) Outmanned (What?) Outnumbered Outplanned
We gotta make an all out stand Ayo, I’m gonna need a right-hand man Hamilton! Sir, he knows what to do in a trench Ingenuitive and fluent in French, I mean—
Hamilton! Sir, you’re gonna have to use him eventually What’s he gonna do on the bench? I mean— Hamilton! No one has more resilience Or matches my practical tactical brilliance—
Hamilton! You wanna fight for your land back? Hamilton! I need my right hand man back! Uh, get ya right hand man back
You know you gotta get ya right hand man back I mean you gotta put some thought Into the letter but the sooner the better To get your right hand man back!
It must be nice, it must be nice To have Washington on your side It must be nice, it must be nice To have Washington on your side Look back at the Bill of Rights (Which I wrote!)
The ink hasn’t dried It must be nice, it must be nice To have Washington on your side— Somebody has to stand up for the South! Somebody has to stand up to his mouth!
If there’s a fire you’re trying to douse You can’t put it out from inside the house I’m in the cabinet, I am complicit in Watching him grabbin’ at power and kiss it If Washington isn’t gon’ listen To disciplined dissidents, this is the difference: This kid is out
In New York you can be a new man How do you write like you’re running out of time? Write day and night like you’re running out of time? Ev’ry day you fight like you’re running out of time Like you’re running out of time
Are you running out of time? Let me tell you what I wish I’d known When I was young and dreamed of glory You have no control Who lives, who dies, who tells your story I know that we can win I know that greatness lies in you But remember from here on in History has its eyes on you (Whoa…)
And I am not throwing away my shot I am not throwing away my shot Hey yo, I’m just like my country I’m young, scrappy and hungry And I’m not throwing away my shot We gonna rise up, time to take a shot (Not throwing away my shot) We gonna rise up, time to take a shot (Not throwing away my shot) We’re gonna rise up, rise up! (It’s time to take a shot!) Rise up, rise up! And I am not throwing away my Not throwing away my shot There’s a million things I haven’t done But just you wait (Just wait) What’s your name, man? Alexander (Hamilton) Alexander (Hamilton) Alexander (Hamilton) Alexander
Topic: encourage listeners to embrace absurdity, let go of common idioms, and be playful.
Title track to Weird Al’s third studio album, Dare to Be Stupid is one of the greatest original songs Weird Al has ever written. The silliness involved is epic and his Devo style pastiche is brilliant.
Lyrics
Put down that chainsaw and listen to me It’s time for us to join in the fight It’s time to let your babies grow up to be cowboys It’s time to let the bedbugs bite
You better put all your eggs in one basket You better count your chickens before they hatch You better sell some wine before it’s time You better find yourself an itch to scratch
You better squeeze all the Charmin you can While Mr. Wipple’s not around Stick your head in the microwave and get yourself a tan
Talk with your mouth full Bite the hand that feeds you Bite off more than you chew What can you do? Dare to be stupid
Take some wooden nickels Look for Mr. Goodbar Get your mojo working now I’ll show you how You can dare to be stupid
You can turn the other cheek You can just give up the ship You can eat a bunch of sushi then forget to leave a tip
Dare to be stupid Come on and dare to be stupid It’s so easy to do Dare to be stupid We’re all waiting for you Let’s go
It’s time to make a mountain out of a molehill So can I have a volunteer? There’s no more time for crying over spilled milk Now it’s time for crying in your beer
Settle down, raise a family, join the PTA Buy some sensible shoes and a Chevrolet And party ’til you’re broke and they drive you away It’s okay, you can dare to be stupid
It’s like spitting on a fish It’s like barking up a tree It’s like I said you gotta buy one if you wanna get one free
Dare to be stupid (Yes) Why don’t you dare to be stupid? It’s so easy to do
Dare to be stupid We’re all waiting for you Dare to be stupid
Burn your candle at both ends Look a gift horse in the mouth Mashed potatoes can be your friends
You can be a coffee achiever You can sit around the house and watch “Leave It To Beaver” The future’s up to you So what you gonna do?
Dare to be stupid, dare to be stupid What did I say? Dare to be stupid
Tell me, what did I say? Dare to be stupid It’s alright Dare to be stupid We can be stupid all night
Dare to be stupid Come on, join the crowd Dare to be stupid Shout it out loud
Dare to be stupid I can’t hear you Dare to be stupid Okay, I can hear you now
Dare to be stupid Let’s go, dare to be stupid Dare to be stupid Dare to be stupid
Dare to be stupid Dare to be stupid Dare to be stupid Dare to be stupid Dare to be stupid
Style Pastiche: The Rugburns’ track “Dick’s Automotive.”
Genre: Hard-driving rock narrative
Length: 11 minutes and 23 sec.- longest song Weird Al ever officially released.
Topic: Albuquerque is the best place… and Weird Al hates sauerkraut.
This epic song is one of my absolute favorite songs. It is an absurdist piece of music with so much insanity squeezed into it. I saw Weird Al perform this life once and, during it, he came across the line where he said he “…lost his train of thought.” He then proceeded to restart the song to try and remember what he wanted to say. Absolutely hilarious. Of course, what he wanted to say was that “I HATE SAUERKRAUT!”
Lyrics
Way back when I was just a little bitty boy Living in a box under the stairs In the corner of the basement of the house Half a block down the street from Jerry’s Bait shop You know the place Well anyway, back then life was going swell and everything was just peachy
Except, of course, for the undeniable fact that every single morning My mother would make me a big ol’ bowl of sauerkraut for breakfast
Daww, big bowl of sauerkraut Every single morning It was driving me crazy
I said to my mom I said “Hey, mom, what’s up with all the sauerkraut?” And my dear, sweet mother She just looked at me like a cow looks at an oncoming train And she leaned right down next to me And she said “It’s good for you” And then she tied me to the wall and stuck a funnel in my mouth And force fed me nothing but sauerkraut Until I was twenty six and a half years old
That’s when I swore that someday Someday I would get outta that basement and travel to a magical, far away place Where the sun is always shining and the air smells like warm root beer And the towels are oh so fluffy Where the Shriners and the lepers play their ukuleles all day long And anyone on the street will gladly shave your back for a nickel
Wacka wacka doo-doo yeah
Well, let me tell you, people, it wasn’t long at all before my dream came true Because the very next day, a local radio station had this contest To see who could correctly guess the number of molecules in Leonard Nimoy’s butt I was off by three, but I still won the grand prize That’s right, a first class one-way ticket to
Albuquerque Albuquerque
Oh yeah You know, I’d never been on a real airplane before And I gotta tell ya, it was really great Except that I had to sit between two large Albanian women With excruciatingly severe body odor And the little kid in back of me kept throwin’ up the whole time The flight attendants ran out of Dr. Pepper and salted peanuts And the in-flight movie was Bio-Dome with Pauly Shore And, oh yeah, three of the airplane engines burned out And we went into a tailspin and crashed into a hillside And the plane exploded in a giant fireball and everybody died Except for me You know why?
‘Cause I had my tray table up And my seat back in the full upright position Had my tray table up And my seat back in the full upright position Had my tray table up And my seat back in the full upright position
Ah ha ha ha Ah ha ha Ah
So I crawled from the twisted, burnin’ wreckage I crawled on my hands and knees for three full days Draggin’ along my big leather suitcase and my garment bag And my tenor saxophone and my twelve-pound bowling ball And my lucky, lucky autographed glow-in-the-dark snorkel But finally I arrived at the world famous Albuquerque Holiday Inn Where the towels are oh so fluffy And you can eat your soup right out of the ashtrays if you wanna It’s OK, they’re clean
Well, I checked into my room and I turned down the A/C And I turned on the SpectraVision And I’m just about to eat that little chocolate mint on my pillow That I love so very, very much when suddenly, there’s a knock on the door
Well now, who could that be? I say “Who is it?” No answer “Who is it?” There’s no answer “Who is it?” They’re not sayin’ anything
So, finally I go over and I open the door and just as I suspected It’s some big fat hermaphrodite with a Flock-Of-Seagulls haircut and only one nostril Oh man, I hate it when I’m right So anyway, he bursts into my room and he grabs my lucky snorkel And I’m like “Hey, you can’t have that” “That snorkel’s been just like a snorkel to me” And he’s like “Tough” And I’m like “Give it” And he’s like “Make me” And I’m like “‘Kay” So I grabbed his leg and he grabbed my esophagus And I bit off his ear and he chewed off my eyebrows And I took out his appendix and he gave me a colonic irrigation Yes indeed, you better believe it And somehow in the middle of it all, the phone got knocked off the hook And twenty seconds later, I heard a familiar voice And you know what it said? I’ll tell you what it said
It said “If you’d like to make a call, please hang up and try again” “If you need help, hang up and then dial your operator” “If you’d like to make a call, please hang up and try again” “If you need help, hang up and then dial your operator”
In Albuquerque Albuquerque
Well, to cut a long story short, he got away with my snorkel But I made a solemn vow right then and there that I would not rest I would not sleep for an instant until the one-nostrilled man was brought to justice But first, I decided to buy some donuts
So I got in my car and I drove over to the donuts shop And I walked on up to the guy behind the counter And he says “Yeah, what do ya want?” I said “You got any glazed donuts?” He said “No, we’re outta glazed donuts” I said “Well, you got any jelly donuts?” He said “No, we’re outta jelly donuts” I said “You got any Bavarian cream-filled donuts?” He said “No, we’re outta Bavarian cream-filled donuts” I said “You got any cinnamon rolls?” He said “No, we’re outta cinnamon rolls” I said “You got any apple fritters?” He said “No, we’re outta apple fritters” I said “You got any bear claws?” He said “Wait a minute, I’ll go check”
“No, we’re outta bear claws” I said “Well, in that case, in that case, what do you have?” He says “All I got right now is this box of one dozen starving, crazed weasels” I said “OK, I’ll take that”
So he hands me the box and I open up the lid and the weasels jump out And they immediately latch onto my face and start bitin’ me all over Oh man, they were just going nuts They were tearin’ me apart You know, I think it was just about that time That a little ditty started goin’ through my head I believe it went a little something like this
Doh Get ’em off me Get ’em off me Oh No, get ’em off, get ’em off Oh, oh God, oh God Oh, get ’em off me Oh, oh God Ah, aah, aah
I ran out into the street with these flesh-eating weasels all over my face Wavin’ my arms all around and just runnin’, runnin’, runnin’ Like a constipated wiener dog And as luck would have it That’s exactly when I ran into the girl of my dreams Her name was Zelda She was a calligraphy enthusiast With a slight overbite and hair the color of strained peaches I’ll never forget the very first thing she said to me She said “Hey, you’ve got weasels on your face”
That’s when I knew it was true love We were inseparable after that Aw, we ate together, we bathed together We even shared the same piece of mint-flavored dental floss The world was our burrito So we got married and we bought us a house And had two beautiful children, Nathaniel and Superfly Oh, we were so very very very happy, aw yeah
But then one fateful night, Zelda said to me She said “Sweetie pumpkin? Do you wanna join the Columbia Record Club?” I said “Whoa, hold on now, baby” “I’m just not ready for that kind of a commitment” So we broke up and I never saw her again But that’s just the way things go
In Albuquerque Albuquerque
Anyway, things really started lookin’ up for me Because about a week later, I finally achieved my lifelong dream That’s right, I got me a part-time job at The Sizzler I even made employee of the month after I put out that grease fire with my face Aw yeah, everybody was pretty jealous of me after that I was gettin’ a lot of attitude
Ok, like one time, I was out in the parking lot Tryin’ to remove my excess earwax with a golf pencil When I see this guy Marty Tryin’ to carry a big ol’ sofa up the stairs all by himself So I, I say to him, I say “Hey, you want me to help you with that?” And Marty, he just rolls his eyes and goes “No, I want you to cut off my arms and legs with a chainsaw”
So I did
And then he gets all indignant on me He’s like “Hey man, I was just being sarcastic” Well, that’s just great How was I supposed to know that? I’m not a mind reader for cryin’ out loud Besides, now he’s got a really cute nickname, Torso-Boy So what’s he complaining about?
Say, that reminds me of another amusing anecdote This guy comes up to me on the street And he tells he hasn’t had a bite in three days Well, I knew what he meant But just to be funny, I took a big bite out of his jugular vein And he’s yellin’ and screamin’ and bleeding all over And I’m like “Hey, come on, don’t you get it?” But he just keeps rolling around on the sidewalk, bleeding, and screaming You know, completely missing the irony of the whole situation Man, some people just can’t take a joke, you know?
Anyway, um, um, where was I? Kinda lost my train of thought
Uh, well, uh, OK Anyway I, I know it’s kinda been a roundabout way of saying it But I guess the whole point I’m tryin’ to make here is
I hate sauerkraut
That’s all I’m really tryin’ to say And, by the way, if one day you happen to wake up And find yourself in an existential quandary Full of loathing and self-doubt And wracked with the pain and isolation of your pitiful meaningless existence At least you can take a small bit of comfort in knowing that Somewhere out there in this crazy ol’ mixed-up universe of ours There’s still a little place called
Topic: classically trained, aspiring actor who finds himself stuck working as a Jungle Cruise tour guide at Disneyland, reciting the ride’s notoriously corny, dated jokes -Wikipedia
This song’s path to the top 10 is a strange one. When I first heard this song, I thought it was kind of boring and I was not a fan. Somehow, it started growing on me. I’m not sure what it was that brought me to the point of having it in the Top 10 Weird A songs of all time, but I love it now. The story of the song is probably the key, and it is one of the least “humorous” songs of Al’s oeuvre. It is more of a tragic song than a funny one and, because of that, Skipper Dan stands out among Al’s originals.
Lyrics
I starred in every high school play Blew every drama teacher away I graduated first in my class at Juilliard Took every acting workshop I could And I dreamed of Hollywood While I read my Uta Hagen and studied the Bard
Hit the boards and paid my dues And got phenomenal rave reviews I knew the world was gonna love me, without a doubt I was sure that Tarantino would be callin’ me on the phone Annie Leibovitz would shoot me for Rolling Stone But the years have come and gone And I’m sorry to say that’s not the way that it’s all worked out
I’m a tour guide on the Jungle Cruise ride Skipper Dan is the name And I’m doin’ 34 shows every day And every time it’s the same Look at those hippos, they’re wigglin’ their ears Just like they’ve done for the last 50 years Now I’m laughin’ at my own jokes but I’m cryin’ inside Cause I’m workin’ on the Jungle Cruise ride
Oh, the critics, they used to say I was the new Olivier Thought I’d be the toast of Sundance or maybe Cannes Aw, but don’t bother tryin’ to IMDB me The only place you might possibly see me Is ridin’ my little boat around Adventureland It ain’t exactly what I planned
But I’m a tour guide on the Jungle Cruise ride Skipper Dan is the name And I’m doin 34 shows every day And every time it’s the same I would’ve killed if I’d been in “Speed The Plow” But what’s the difference, that’s all behind me now Cause I’m payin’ the rent and I’m swallowin my pride And I’m workin’ on the Jungle Cruise ride
I should be there on Broadway Knockin’ ’em dead in “12 Angry Men” But instead I’m here tellin’ these lame jokes Again and again and again and again and again and again and again
Bengal Tigers can jump over 20 feet! That’s an African bull elephant And there it is, the backside of water! What have I done with my life?!
I should a listened when my grandfather said “Why don’t you major in business instead?” Now my hopes have all vanished and my dreams have all died And I’ll probably work forever as a tour guide on the Jungle Cruise ride Skipper Dan is the name And I’m doin’ 34 shows every day And every time it’s the same Look at those hippos, they’re wigglin their ears Somebody shoot me cause I’m bored to tears Always said I’d be famous… I guess that I lied Cause I’m workin’ on the Jungle Cruise ride I’m still workin’ on the Jungle Cruise ride
Weird Al wrote this song before seeing any official script of the Phantom Menace because he was not allowed to see it. So he pieced it together with rumors and web sites. When he was able to attend a pre-screening, he was shocked to see that the song was mostly accurate, requiring only small rewriting.
Lyrics
A long, long time ago In a galaxy far away Naboo was under an attack And I thought me and Qui-Gon Jinn Could talk the federation in To maybe cutting them a little slack
But their response, it didn’t thrill us They locked the doors and tried to kill us We escaped from that gas Then met Jar-Jar and Boss Nass We took a bongo from the scene And we went to Theed to see the Queen We all wound up on Tatooine That’s where we found this boy
Oh my, my this here Anakin guy Maybe Vader someday later, now he’s just a small fry He left his home and kissed his mommy goodbye Sayin’, “Soon I’m gonna be a Jedi” Soon I’m gonna be a Jedi
Did you know this junkyard slave Isn’t even old enough to shave But he can use the Force, they say Ahh, do you see him hitting on the queen Though he’s just nine and she’s 14 Yeah, he’s probably gonna marry her someday
Well, I know he built C-3PO And I’ve heard how fast his pod can go And we were broke, it’s true So we made a wager or two He was a pre-pubescent flyin’ ace And the minute Jabba started off that race Well, I knew who would win first place Oh yes, it was our boy
We started singin’ My, my this here Anakin guy Maybe Vader someday later, now he’s just a small fry And he left his home and kissed his mommy goodbye Sayin’, “Soon I’m gonna be a Jedi” Soon I’m gonna be a Jedi
Now we finally got to Coruscant The Jedi Council we knew would want To see how good the boy could be So we took him there and we told the tale How his midichlorians were off the scale And he might fulfill that prophecy
Oh, the Council was impressed, of course Could he bring balance, to the Force? They interviewed the kid All training they forbid Because Yoda sensed in him much fear And Qui-Gon said, “Now listen here” Just stick it in your pointy ear I still will teach this boy
He was singin’ My, my this here Anakin guy Maybe Vader someday later, now he’s just a small fry And he left his home and kissed his mommy goodbye Sayin’, “Soon I’m gonna be a Jedi” Soon I’m gonna be a Jedi
We caught a ride back to Naboo ‘Cause Queen Amidala wanted to I frankly would’ve liked to stay We all fought in that epic war And it wasn’t long at all before Little Hotshot flew his plane and saved the day
And in the end some Gunguns died Some ships blew up and some pilots fried A lot of folks were croakin’ The battle droids were broken And the Jedi I admire most Met up with Darth Maul and now he’s toast Well, I’m still here, and he’s a ghost I guess I’ll train this boy
And I was singin’ My, my this here Anakin guy Maybe Vader someday later, now he’s just a small fry And he left his home and kissed his mommy goodbye Sayin’, “Soon I’m gonna be a Jedi” Soon I’m gonna be a Jedi
We were singin’ My, my this here Anakin guy Maybe Vader someday later, now he’s just a small fry And he left his home and kissed his mommy goodbye Sayin’, “Soon I’m gonna be a Jedi”
My maid is cleaning the bathroom, so I can’t take a shower When I do, the water starts getting cold after an hour I couldn’t order off the breakfast menu, cause I slept in till two Then I filled up on bread, didn’t leave any room for tiramisu Oh no, there’s a pixel out in the corner of my laptop screen I don’t have any bills in my wallet small enough for the vending machine Some idiot just called me up on the phone, what!? Don’t they know how to text? OMG! I got
First world, first world problems (First world problems) First world, first world problems (First world problems) First world, first world problems
I bought too many groceries for my refrigerator Forgot my gardener’s name, I’ll have to ask him later Tried to fast forward commercials, can’t, I’m watching live T.V I’m pretty sure the cookies in this airport lounge ain’t gluten free My barista didn’t even bother to make a design in the foam on the top of my vanilla latte
First world, first world problems (First world problems) First world, first world problems (First world problems) First world, first world problems
Can’t remember which car I drove to the mall My Sonicare won’t recharge, now I gotta brush my teeth like a neanderathal The thread count on these cotton sheets has got me itching My house is so big, I can’t get WiFi in the kitchen Uh, I had to buy something I didn’t even need just So I could qualify for free shipping on Amazon
First world, first world problems (First world problems) First world, first world problems (First world problems) First world, first world problems (First world problems)
First world, first world problems (First world problems) First world, first world problems (First world problems) First world, first world problems
Style: Originally intended as a pastiche of The Presidents of the United States
Topic: The excitement of a new Hardware Store opening
Hardware Store is one of Weird Al’s originals that everyone is incredibly impressed by because it features one of the fastest rap sections imaginable. It was something that, when recorded, nearly caused Al to go unconscious. He has never performed this live because of the near impossibility of the riff.
Lyrics
Nothin’ ever (ever) happens in this town Feelin’ low down (down), not a lot to do around here I thought that I would go right out of my mind Until a friend told me the news He said, “Hey, you know that vacant lot Right beside the gas station? Well, somebody bought it And on that spot they’re gonna build a shop Where we can go buy bolts and screws”
Since then I’ve been walking on air (air) I can barely brush my teeth or comb my hair ‘Cause I’m so excited and I really don’t care I’ve been waiting since last June For this day to finally arrive I’m so happy (happy) now just to be alive ‘Cause any minute now I’m gonna be inside Well, I hope they open soon
I can’t wait, no, I can’t wait (oh, when) When are they gonna open up that door? I’m goin’ (yes, I’m) goin’, I’m a-goin’ to the Goin’ to the (hard) ware, I’m goin’, really goin’ to the Goin’ (hard), I’m goin’ to the (hard), oh, yes, I’m goin’ to the Hardware store
In my sleeping bag I camped out overnight Right in front of the store, then as soon as it was light out I pressed my nose right up against the glass You know, I had to be first in line Gonna get me a flashlight and a broom Want a pair of pliers for every single room of my house See those hacksaws? Very, very soon One of them will be all mine
Guys with nametags walking down the aisles Rows of garden hoses that go on for miles and miles Brand new socket wrenches in a plethora of styles All arranged alphabetically And they’re doing a promotional stunt There’s a great big purple sign out front That says every 27th customer Will get a ball peen hammer free
I can’t wait, no, I can’t wait (oh, when) When are they gonna open up that door? I’m goin’ (yes, I’m) goin’, I’m a-goin’ to the Goin’ to the (hard) ware, I’m goin’, really goin’ to the Goin’ (hard), I’m goin’ to the (hard), oh, yes, I’m goin’ to the Hardware store I’m goin’ (yes, I’m) goin’, I’m a-goin’ to the Goin’ to the (hard) ware, I’m goin’, really goin’ to the Goin’ (hard), I’m goin’ to the (hard), oh, yes, I’m goin’ to the Hardware store
They’ve got allen wrenches, gerbil feeders, toilet seats, electric heaters Trash compactors, juice extractor, shower rods, and water meters Walkie-talkies, copper wires safety goggles, radial tires BB pellets, rubber mallets, fans and dehumidifiers Picture hangers, paper cutters, waffle irons, window shutters Paint removers, window louvres, masking tape and plastic gutters Kitchen faucets, folding tables, weather stripping, jumper cables Hooks and tackle, grout and spackle, power foggers, spoons and ladles
Pesticides for fumigation, high-performance lubrication Metal roofing, water proofing, multi-purpose insulation Air compressors, brass connectors, wrecking chisels, smoke detectors Tire guages, hamster cages, thermostats, and bug deflectors Trailer hitch demagnetizers, automatic circumcisers Tennis rackets, angle brackets, Duracells and Energizers Soffit panels, circuit brakers, vacuum cleaners, coffee makers Calculators, generators, matching salt and pepper shakers
I can’t wait, no, I can’t wait (oh, when) When are they gonna open the door? I’m goin’ (yes, I’m) goin’, I’m a-goin’ to the Goin’ to the (hard) ware, I’m goin’, really goin’ to the Goin’ (hard), I’m goin’ to the (hard), oh, yes, I’m goin’ to the Hardware store
I’m goin’ (yes, I’m) goin’, I’m a-goin’ to the Goin’ to the (hard) ware, I’m goin’, really goin’ to the Goin’ (hard), I’m goin’ to the (hard), oh, yes, I’m goin’ to the Hardware store I’m goin’ (yes, I’m) goin’, I’m a-goin’ to the Goin’ to the (hard) ware, I’m goin’, really goin’ to the Goin’ (hard), I’m goin’ to the (hard), oh, yes, I’m goin’ to the Hardware store
Written: David Eric Grohl / Kurt D. Cobain / Krist Anthony Novoselic/Al Yankovic
Genre: Grunge
Topic: No one can understand Nirvana’s lyrics
This song helped bring Weird Al back after a bit of a career slump. He called Kurt Cobain at SNL to get permission. Cobain asked if the song would be about food.
Lyrics
What is this song all about? Can’t figure any lyrics out How do the words to it go I wish you’d tell me, I don’t know
Now I’m mumblin’, and I’m screamin’ And I don’t know what I’m singin’ Crank the volume, ears are bleedin’ I still don’t know what I’m singin’ We’re so loud and incoherent Boy, this oughta bug your parents
Yeah Blergh Haai
It’s unintelligible I just can’t get it through my skull It’s hard to bargle nawdle zouss With all these marbles in my mouth
Well, we don’t sound like Madonna Here we are now, we’re Nirvana Sing distinctly, we don’t wanna Buy our album, we’re Nirvana A garage band from Seattle Well, it sure beats raisin’ cattle Yeah
And I forgot the next verse Oh, well, I guess it pays to rehearse The lyric sheet’s so hard to find What are the words? Oh, never mind
Well, I’m yellin’, and we’re playin’ But I don’t know what I’m sayin’ What’s the message I’m conveyin’? Can you tell me what I’m sayin’? So, have you got some idea? Didn’t think so, well, I’ll see ya
Topic: Santa snaps and goes on a North Pole murder spree
I love this song. The idea of a disgruntled Santa flipping out is great. There is a really funny “Extra Gory Version” that I heard for the first time on Dr. Demento Show.
Lyrics
Down in the workshop all the elves were makin’ toys For the good gentile girls and the good gentile boys When the boss busted in, nearly scared ’em half to death Had a rifle in his hands and cheap whiskey on his breath From his beard to his boots he was covered with ammo Like a big fat drunk disgruntled Yuletide Rambo And he smiled as he said with a twinkle in his eye “Merry Christmas to all, now you’re all gonna die”
The night Santa went crazy The night St. Nick went insane Realized he’d been gettin’ a raw deal Something finally must have snapped in his brain
Well, the workshop is gone now, he decided to bomb it Everywhere you’ll find pieces of Cupid and Comet And he tied up his helpers and he held the elves hostage And he ground up poor Rudolph into reindeer sausage He got Dancer and Prancer with an old German Luger And he slashed up Dasher just like Freddy Krueger And he picked up a flamethrower and he barbequed Blitzen And he took a big bite and said, “It tastes just like chicken”
The night Santa went crazy The night Kris Kringle went nuts Now you can’t hardly walk around the North Pole Without steppin’ in reindeer guts
There’s the National Guard and the FBI There’s a van from the Eyewitness News And helicopters circlin’ ’round in the sky And the bullets are flyin’, the body count’s risin’ And everyone’s dyin’ to know, oh Santa, why? My my my my my my You used to be such a jolly guy
Yes, Virginia, now Santa’s doing time In a Federal prison for his infamous crime Hey little friend now, don’t you cry no more tears He’ll be out with good behavior in seven hundred more years But now Vixen’s in therapy and Donner’s still nervous And the elves all got jobs working for the Postal Service And they say Mrs. Clause, she’s on the phone every night With her lawyer negotiating the movie rights
They’re talkin’ bout, the night Santa went crazy The night St. Nicholas flipped Broke his back for some milk and cookies Sounds to me like he was tired of gettin’ gypped
Whoa oh, the night Santa went crazy The night St. Nick went insane Realized he’d gettin’ a raw deal Something finally must have snapped in his brain Whoa oh, something finally must have snapped in his brain Tell ya, something finally must have snapped in his brain
Yes Virginia, Now Santa is dead Some guy From the swat team blew a hole through his head Yes little friend now, that’s his brains on the floor, I guess they wont have the fat guy kicking around anymore But now there’s no more presents for children’s enjoyment And the Elves have to wait in the line and file for unemployment And they say Mrs. Clause, she’s on the phone every night With her lawyer negotiating the movie rights
Written: Adele Laurie Blue Adkins / Al Yankovic / Ariana Grande / Attticus Matthew Ross / Austin J. Owens / Belcalis Almanzar / Billie Eilish O’Connell / Charles K. Wilson / Charles Michael Anderson / Daniel Nigro / Devon Christopher Gallaspy / Edward Christopher Sheeran / Er
Songs: “Bad Guy,” “Hello,” “Flowers,” “We Don’t Talk About Bruno,” “Vampire,” “Old Town Road,” “Despacito,” “Shape of You,” “Uptown Funk,” “WAP,” “Thank U, Next,” “Shake It Off”
They may be some recency bias involved in this one, as Polkamania is the most recent song Weird Al has put out. However, it is an epic polka that has spanned the years after the release of Mandatory Fun with some of the best songs of that period. It also shows how starved I was for new Weird Al song content.
Lyrics
So you’re a tough guy Like it really rough guy Just can’t get enough guy Chest always so puffed guy I’m that bad type Make your mama sad type Make your girlfriend mad type Might seduce your dad type I’m the bad guy Duh
(Adele / Hello) So hello from the other side I must’ve called a thousand times To tell you I’m sorry for breaking your heart But it don’t matter, it clearly doesn’t tear you apart Anymore
(Miley Cyrus / Flowers) I can buy myself flowers Write my name in the sand Talk to myself for hours Say things you don’t understand I can take myself dancing And I can hold my own hand Yeah, I can love me better than you can
(Cast of Encanto / Lin-Manuel Miranda / We Don’t Talk About Bruno We don’t talk about Bruno, no, no, no We don’t talk about Bruno
(Olivia Rodrigo / Vampire) I used to think I was smart But you made me look so naïve The way you sold me for parts You sunk your teeth into me, oh Bloodsucker, dream crusher Bleedin’ me dry, like a gosh darn vampire
(Lil Nas X / Old Town Road) Yeah, I’m gonna take my horse to the old town road I’m gonna ride ’til I can’t no more I’m gonna take my horse to the old town road I’m gonna ride ’til I can’t no more Can’t nobody tell me nothing (You can’t tell me nothing) No! Can’t nobody tell me nothing
Despacito Quiero respirar tu cuello despacito Deja que te diga cosas al oído Para que te acuerdes si no estás conmigo (Sube, sube, sube)
Mmm I’m in love with the shape of you We push and pull like a magnet do Every day discovering something brand new I’m in love with your body Oh I oh I oh I oh I I’m in love with your body Oh I oh I oh I oh I Yoda-loda lady hoo!
‘Cause uptown funk gon’ give it to you ‘Cause uptown funk gon’ give it to you Saturday night and we in the spot Don’t believe me just watch (hey!) (Doo doo doo, doo doo doo)
(Cardi B feat. Megan Thee Stallion / WAP) I want you to park that big Mack truck right in this little garage Yeah, you messing with some Bring a bucket and a mop for this Give me everything you got for this I’m talking WAP, WAP, WAP, that’s some
(Ariana Grande / Thank U, Next) Thank you, next Thank you, next Thank you, next I’m so super grateful for my ex Thank you, next Thank you, next Thank you, next Super-duper grateful for my ex
(Taylor Swift / Shake It Off) Wait! I just killed my ex Not the best idea Killed his girlfriend next, how’d I get here? I just killed my ex I still love him, though Rather be in hell than all alone
I stay out too late Got nothing in my brain That’s what people say, mm-mm That’s what people say, mm-mm ‘Cause the players gonna play, play, play, play, play And the haters gonna hate, hate, hate, hate, hate Baby, I’m just gonna shake, shake, shake, shake, shake I shake it off, I shake it off (hoo-hoo-hoo) Heartbreakers gonna break, break, break, break, break And the fakers gonna fake, fake, fake, fake, fake Baby, I’m just gonna shake, shake, shake, shake, shake I shake it off, I shake it off That’s right, I’m gonna Shake it Off (Gonna shake it off) (Shake, shake, shake it off) (Now watch me shake it off) Hey!”
Album: Released as a single; appeared on Weird Al’s box set Permanent Record: Al in the Box
Written: Weird Al Yankovic / Brad Roberts
Parody: “Mmm Mmm Mmm Mmm” by The Crash Test Dummies
Genre: Alternative Rock
Topic: Song about Michael Fay’s caning in Singapore, the Tonya Harding and Nancy Kerrigan figure skating scandal, and the Lorena and John Bobbitt incident.
Lyrics
Once, there was this kid who Took a trip to Singapore and brought along his spray paint And when he finally came back He had cane marks all over his bottom He said that it was from when the warden whacked it so hard
Hmm-hmm-hmm-hmm, hmm-hmm-hmm-hmm
Once there was this girl who Swore that one day she would be a figure skating champion And when she finally made it She saw some other girl who was better And so she hired some guy to Club her in the knee cap
They got paid for their sound bytes And sold their TV-Movie rights And then, there was this guy who Made his wife so mad one night that she cut off his weiner And when he finally came to He found little Mr. Happy was missing He couldn’t quite explain it It’d always just been there
EYG- Embrace Your Geekness 