Collide

Image result for collide movie poster

So this past Wednesday, I was on my phone, checking the showtimes for the movies coming out this weekend on my Cinemark app.  I saw a film called Collide, and I had no idea what it was.  I had never seen or heard of it before.

I immediately assumed it was one of the foreign language films that Cinemark shows, but I noticed that Nicholas Hoult (Beast from the X-Men movies) was in it, so that blew the “it’s from India” theory.

I investigated further.  This is when I saw that Anthony Hopkins was also listed as a star.  What?  Anthony Hopkins is a huge star.  Why hadn’t I heard of this movie.  With all the movies that I see in a year, I see a ton of trailers before the film and I had never even once seen one for Collide.  The trailer was on the app so I clicked on it, curious.  And then, who did I see?  Sir Ben Kingsley!  By the time I realize that Rogue One star Felicity Jones was also in this film, I was already confused as can be.

The next day, i am watching Collioder Movie Talk and they are doing their “Opening this Week” segment and Collide comes up.  Panelist and director Jon Schnepp joked about how that was the very first time that he had heard about the film and that Collider had done more to promote the film with that very segment than the entire movie company had done.

So I knew it wasn’t just me.  This was a bad sign.  Because usually when a movie company thinks thye have got a great film, they are anxious for people to see it.  Marvel released to critics and special screenings Captain America: Civil War months before the movie was scheduled to be released because they knew word of mouth would be tremendous.

On the flip side, FOX refused to screen Fantastic Four until just before the release date despite a hunger for the film.  It gives a bad message when the studios try to hide the film from critics.  It means they do not have any confidence in the film.Of course, with Fant4stic, I did see plenty of trailers for the movie.  Collide…not a one.

What did that mean?  The film had what should have been a great cast, but there was zero marketing for it.  It made me think that this one would not be any good.

Guess what?  I know now why they did not promote this film.  It was awful.

Collide was meant to be a love story between Casey (Nicholas Hoult) and Juliette (Felicity Jones), who meet in a club. Problem… Casey works for a criminal stealing cars.  The criminal was Ben Kinsley, as over-the-top as he has ever been.  I have no idea what he was going for with this characterization.  Anyway, back to Casey and Juliette, it turned out that Casey left the criminal life behind him for her, but she had some kind of nondescript kidney disease that was going to kill her.  Casey got back into the life of crime in order to pay for an operation for Juliette.  The job?  Hijack a truck from Anthony Hopkins that was filled with cocaine inside golf balls and a lot of money.

From there, the film got stupid.

There were so many problems with this movie.  Casey is shot at so many times, but is never hit with any bullet (maybe grazed once…) that it was Stormtroopers level of incompetence.  Hopkins’ thugs seemed to be able to arrive immediately wherever Casey was no matter how fast he had driven.  Remember the last Fast and the Furious movie where Jason Statham was always arriving no matter where in the world Vin Diesel was?  This is just like that only with less star power.

The chemistry between Casey and Juliette was non-existent and the acting was atrocious.  Felicity Jones is a much better actress than this performance indicates.  She was way better not only in Rogue One, but also A Monster Calls.  What happened here?

And Anthony Hopkins is about as unwatchable as I have ever seen him.  I hope he got a really nice fat paycheck for this role, because this was horrible.

The film was a short 99 minutes, but it felt like an eternity.  It is nothing but shaky car chase scenes or Nicholas Hoult running through gunfire.  It made me wonder if this one was connected to Unbreakable as well.  It is nice though that not one bystander was hurt in all of the hail of bullets or flipping cars.

The dialogue was just laughable at times.  Anthony Hopkins was legitimately rambling several times.

Enough about this stinker.  Word had it that this had been sitting on a shelf somewhere for a couple of years.  The biggest crime is that it did not stay there.  Who wanted this released?  It couldn’t have been the studio, because they did not give even one iota of care for promoting it.  I can’t believe that any of the actors wanted this to see the light of day because they look terrible in it.  And the audiences won’t care about it, as there were three others in the theater I saw it in on Saturday at 2 PM.

0.9 stars

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