EYG Top 30 Worst Movies of 2017


Here we go.  The list is compiled and the rottenness is combined.  This is the Worst 30 Movies I saw this year.

Again, there are some specifics. First, it had to be movie that I have seen.  There are some stink bombs that I skipped this year (or tried to send the intern to, but couldn’t get that to work out… *wink Chris*)  Anyway, I did not see Nut Job 2: Nutty By Nature, Underworld: Blood Wars, Smurfs: Lost Village, The Resurrection of Gavin Stone, Jigsaw, and Tyler Perry’s Boo 2: A Maeda Halloween.  Odds are that these fart knockers might have found their way onto this lost had I gone to them.

Second point, was that the star rating I give to the movies with my typical reviews are thrown out the window here.  They may be used initially to find the films, but then I look back and determine what is worse.

And though there were a lot of great movies this year, there were also a ton of crap as well.  I literally had 7 films that I considered for the #1 spot.  Legitimately, numbers 1-7 could have wound up at number one.  This is also the year where I have had the most films with a star rating under 1 star.  I had nine of them.  That is something else.

Of course, perhaps one of these films is a film that you love or that you really connected with and if that is the case, good for you.  Film is subjective and that is one of the best things about it.  What I hate, someone else might love.  My friend Chris just messaged me that he would have put “It” in his worst five list and I, of course, have it at number 2 of my Best list.  Different opinions are great.

Without further ado… The Top 30 Worst Films of 2017

#30.  A Dog’s Purpose.  I know several people who loved this thing, but I hated it.  It was so manipulative and intentionally attempted to play upon the emotions of the audience.  Yet, we all know from the trailer that the dog will find its way to Dennis Quaid.  Hated the fakeness of the emotion.  Those feelings were not earned by this movie.

#29.  Before I Fall.  Based on a YA Novel, which is a pretty good bet for a film to end up on this list anyway, Before I Fall is like Groundhog’s Day meets Mean Girls.  The list of coincidences for this story to work is ridiculous and just not worth the time.

#28.  Ghost in the Shell.  This is one of those films that I didn’t completely hate at first, but in retrospect, continually slipped the more I thought about it.  Can’t we just get Scarlet Johansson that Black Widow movie and be done with it? I know the fans of these popular properties deserve more than what they have gotten.

#27.  Friend Request.  A horror movie where a stalker chick is befriended on Facebook by a popular girl who felt sorry for her.  Then the stalker began posting horrible stuff to the timeline.  Videos that show violent deaths and such so the popular girl unfriends her.  Stalker kills herself and now it is popular girl’s fault?  Then, stalker girl somehow is haunting her Facebook.  Yeah, I know this sounds stupid.  It is.

#26.  The Shack.  The Shack had potential to be better than what it turned out to be, but it took the wrong turn.  It turned into one of those faith based films that tossed aside a potentially good story for some preaching.

#25.  The Dinner.  Two brothers, one running for governor, meet with their wives for dinner at a fancy restaurant to discuss the problems caused by their children.  It ends with some of the stupidest third act nonsense of the year.

#24.  Inconceivable.  And not the word spoken by Vizzini, either.  Nic Cage is here.  There is a nanny who seems sweet but turns out to want to destroy the family from within.  Nothing new here. And Nic Cage…

#23.  Monster Trucks.  A silly alien movie where said alien winds up inside a monster truck and can use its long tentacles to move that truck really fast.  If you are 12 years old, this one might be for you.  If not, skip it.

#22. Sleepless. Jamie Foxx is a dirty cop.. or is he?  Maybe he is undercover.  Maybe his son gets kidnapped by the villains.  Can you picture what happens?  I’m sure you can.

#21.  Rings.  This one was on the shelf for quite a while.  And Honestly, it should have stayed there.  A sequel to the previous Rings movies, Rings was dull and boring and made people do stupid things.

#20.  Unforgettable.  One of the best comedies of the year.   Problem was… it was not a comedy.  It’s a thriller.  I swear they put this exact movie out every year, just with different actors.  A Fatal Attraction rip off that is good for a laugh.

#19.  King Arthur: Legend of the Sword.  Just a terrible version of the classic legend.  The only parts that seemed to work was the parts director Guy Ritchie included.  Most of this was just rotten as could be.  This could have been so much better.

#18.  Pitch Perfect 3.  At least there is some good music.  Everything in this movie that is not the Bellas or one of the other band in here playing music/singing is completely stupid and forced.  There is a ridiculous action plot in here as well where the Bellas have to jump off an exploding ship.  If that isn’t a metaphor for this movie, then I don;t know what is.

#17.  You Get Me.  A terrible Netflix film starring Bella Thorne.  It is another one of those Fatal Attraction clone films, this time with high school students.  Just terrible.

#16.  Daddy’s Home 2.  The first Daddy’s Home had a third act that I really enjoyed. The first two acts were terrible, but I had hopes that they learned from the mistakes.  The trailers looked good.  Then I saw the movie.  There were no laughs.  There were so many stupid things happening that you could just not stand it.  Not even “Do They Know It’s Christmas Time” can save this turd.

#15.  Flatliners.  This one was DOA.  How do you make a movie about traveling to the other side so damn boring?  This is one of the most unnecessary remakes of the year.  It is not like the original Flatliners was a great movie.  Let’s let this RIP.

#14.  Wish Upon.  This actually had a horror concept that could have worked.  A magical box that grants wishes but each wish has a terrible cost.  Then, they gave this box to a girl who starts making wishes and, despite figuring out that people are dying because she is making these wishes, KEEPS ON MAKING THEM.  She has to be considered one of the most selfish characters of the year.

#13.  The Return of Xander Cage.  I have never seen any of the XXX movies and, after seeing this one, there is no damn way that I want to revisit them.  The worst of Vin Diesel.

#12.  The House.  I am not a Will Farrell fan, but every now and then, he gives me something to enjoy.  This was not one of them.  Parents who cannot afford to send their daughter to the college she wanted to go to, decides to set up an illegal casino in their basement.  Yeah, no problems to be had there.  If only the film was funny.

#11.  Collide.  I did not know this was coming out. I saw it at Cinemark and I had no idea what it was.  Then, after looking I saw that it had Ben Kingsley and Anthony Hopkins in it.  Huh?  Plus, Nicholas Hoult and Felicity Jones. Really?  Why had I not seen one piece of promotional material about this?  I’ll tell you why… it was God awful.

#10.  Resident Evil: The Final Chapter.  God let’s hope so.  Terrible action.  Terrible CGI.  No story.  Here’s hoping that this really is the final chapter.

#9.  Just Getting Started.  It is really sad seeing two great actors, Tommy Lee Jones and Morgan Freeman, just cashing a paycheck and making something like this.  You can tell Tommy Lee Jones doesn’t want to be on the screen.  The story feels like it was written by a middle school student.

#8.  The Emoji Movie.  This is so bad.  Perhaps some kids would like it but adults who take their kids to this should be disgraced because it does nothing but dumb down our children with ridiculous characters, dumb plots and a message that encourages more texting.  As if people need encouragement for that.

#7.  The Bye Bye Man.  we are starting the placement on the list where they could all be interchangeable.  The Bye Bye Man is a horror movie where a creature shows up if you say his name or think his name.  Really?  It was such a laughable plot and it has every horror cliche you could imagine.  I hope we can wish a bye bye to the Bye Bye Man.

#6.  50 Shades Darker.  The sequel to the horrendous 50 Shades of Grey, this one was worse.  There were so many scene of just stupidity, and there was not even that many sexy scenes.  The whole helicopter scene was as anticlimactic as you could possibly get.  I literally was laughing at that.  What do you expect from Twilight Fan Fiction?

#5.  Fist Fight.  I hated this movie so much.  A big reason was that I found it remarkably insulting to the teaching profession.  As a teacher, I kept seeing things that would NEVER happen in any school and we were being asked to accept it as common practice.  This was not only insulting to the teachers, but also to administrators and to the students.  And had it been funny, you might be able to forgive all of that.  Just a complete fail.

#4.  Diary of a Wimpy Kid: The Long Haul.  Some of the previous Diary films were watchable.  Then they recast everyone (probably an age thing) and this was just a steaming pile of pig poop (if you saw the film, you would know the reference).  I know they are still writing Diary books, but hopefully this will show them that they do not necessarily need to make a movie about each one.  Please.

#3.  Chips.  Here is another one of those insulting films.  This one insults police officers and anyone who may have enjoyed the original Chips TV show.  About as low brow of humor as you could get, Chips just had zero redeeming qualities.

#2. The Snowman.  How could this movie be boring?  It was.  I picked out the killer the second he walked on the screen.  It was so obvious.  Michael Fassbender played a detective named Harry Hole.  No, I am not kidding.  Why?  Even if that was the source material, couldn’t they have changed it to Barry Hole?  Or how about Hank Hole.  Or make Hole Hale instead.  Did they just want to jokes?  The trailer for this implied that this would be a taut, exciting thriller.  It was not.  One of the biggest disappointments of many years.

#1. Transformers: The Last Knight.  With so many possible number ones, how did I decide on the final choice?  I thought back on which movie I had the worst time in the theater watching.  Transformers started and within 30-45 minutes, it felt like 2 hours.  It started with Merlin cracking horrible jokes, where I actually wondered if I was watching a Monty Python skit (except, you know, not a funny one).  Anthony Hopkins was having a good old time because, you know, he couldn’t give to shits about this.  It dragged on and on and on.  I had taken a bathroom break about 1h45 minutes into it and I was hoping it would be wrapping up soon, and then I realized that Optimus Prime was still just floating around in space.  The film completely wasted Unicron.  Ugh.  This was too long, too stupid and too hard to watch.  Half of the dialogue was indistinguishable.  By the end, I felt like a boxer who had been pummeled for 15 rounds.  It was the worst experience I had in the theater this year, and so, in a year where there were so many possible options for number one, this wins out.




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