The Epic Race on Mars

“Welcome everyone to the ‘Galaxy’s Most Famous Arena,’ Martian Square Gardens for the running of the 10th Annual Epic Race on Mars.  I am Nick Soapdish and welcome to the most exciting two minutes in the Universe.  As always, I am with the lovely and talented Becki Binary. Hello Becki.”

“Hi there, Nick.  It must be a pleasure for you to talk to me…*giggle*”

“As always, Becki.  This anniversary race will be one for the record books.”  

“For sure!”

“Do you know why, Becki?”

“I do.”

*Nick pauses to see if Becki would expound on her answer*

“So….?” said Nick.

“Huh?” Becki said.

“As everyone knows, “Nick said continuing on,  straightening his blue blazer jacket, “The Epic Race on Mars began after the Intergalactic Wars, as a symbol of peace and prosperity across the entire galaxy.  We have hosted the event since the President of the Galaxy, Rjimm J’Frthzi proclaimed it so. And the 10th annual event has something extra special.  It has an appearance by the one and only celebrity, Brock Brawn.”

*sigh* Becki began fanning herself with papers that had been sitting on the desk in front of them.  “Ah…I loooooooooooooooooooooooooove him!” Becki leans back in her chair, continuing to fan herself.

“Brock is here to be our official starter,” Nick said.

“He can get me started any time,” said Becki, wiping the beads of sweat from her forehead.  

“Remember Becki…we can’t have a repeat of the incident from three years ago.  Our censors’ heads nearly exploded that day.”

“Whatever,” she said, making a disappointed face.

“For more on the race itself, we will send it down to our race side reporter, Chadwick Bumblefield,” said Nick.  “Chad.”

“Thank you Nick,” said Chad, “and I am excited to be here today.  We have an exciting field of competitors today, Nick and Becki, but by far the favorite is the Wampa Lampa from the Xanxes System.  He is being ridden by the horse Solomon.”

“Chad,” interrupted Nick, “but, for our new viewers, can you explain why a horse is riding a Wampa Lampa?”

“Of course, Nick,” said Chadwick.  “For the history of the Epic Race on Mars, our jockeys on the individual creatures involved in the race have been Horses from the planet of Stallion, the home planet of President J’Frthzi.   As we all know, the horse people of Stallion are the greatest riders in the universe and President J’Frthzi wanted to display his planet mates. “

“If so, how did this event come to be held on Mars?” asked Nick.

“Union dues,” said Chadwick.

“Ah,” said Nick.

“Plus, the red tint of the planet made the horses’ manes stand out more…creating a pleasing visual image for the intergalactic television audience…and we know how important those ratings are.”

“No doubt,” replied Nick.

“Chadwick, this is Becki,” Becki said, pausing to brush her dangling red hair behind her left ear in her best Jennifer Aniston imitation.

Chadwick waited for a question from the redheaded beauty.  The camera zoomed in to Chadwick as he continued to wait.

“Um… Becki… do you have a question?” asked Chadwick.

“No,” she said.  “Why?”

Chadwick’s eyes bulged from his skull and he face palmed himself.  He expected it from her, but every time he finds himself frustratingly frustrated.  

“Thanks for that report, Chadwick,” said Nick, breaking back into the broadcast.  “Now, a word from our sponsor.”


William Shatner appeared on the screen.  He was dressed up in his Captain Kirk costume, though his ample frame has stretched the seams a bit.  Shatner smiles his best cheesy smile at the camera.

“I have voyaged to every corner of the Final Frontier, but never have I come across a drink better than this,” he said, holding up a green bottle.  “Supernova, the ale with a real Big Bang. Take it from me, I have been all over the galaxy…and I am a really big lush… so I have tried every drink imaginable.  I have downed a Pan Galactic Gargle Blaster without blinking an eye. The Moloko Plus was like mother’s milk. And the Glingue, the favorite drink of the Shingouz, no matter how toxic, cannot match the Supernova.”

He takes a deep swig of the green bottle, staggers a little bit, his eyes crossing.

“Oh…that really hits the spot.  It is like an explosion in the old digestive system.  After a six pack of these, you are really seeing stars…or at least the remnants of them.”

Taking another deep swig, Shatner falls backwards.  After a few seconds, he stands back to his feet.

“But if you do not believe me, listen to my furry friend.”

Chewbacca walks over and stands beside Shatner.  

“Huwaa muaa mumwa?” asked Shatner in Shyriiwook, the language of the Wookies.  {TRANSLATED: CAN I BUY YOU A DRINK?}

Shatner hands him a second green bottle of Supernova.  Chewbacca pumps his arms up in the air. Chewbacca downs the entire bottle in one fell drink.

“Rhawk-Arrgh, rrrooaarrgghh!” exclaimed Chewbacca.  {TRANSLATED: MAY THE FORCES BE WITH YOU}

“Live long and prosper,” said Shatner.  Behind him, Leonard Nemoy appeared as if beamed in from the Transporter Room.

“You using my catch phrase is sell liquor is illogical, Captain,” he said, jumping right into the Mr. Spock character.

“Supernova!” said Shatner.  “A real BOOM!”


“Welcome back to the 10th Annual Epic Race on Mars.  I’m Nick Soapdish. This broadcast is being beamed to all corners of the cosmos, with the expectation that this will be the most viewed race in the history of universal coverage, surpassing the classic Ultimate Quidditch Match of 2035.  I am here with Becki Binary.”

“’Sup,” Becki said, holding her fingers in a peace sign.

“Becki, what is your favorite part of the Epic Race on Mars?” asked Nick.

“Hm…. Probably the catering,” she said.  “I always eat until I am just bloated. Love those mini-corn dogs.”

“We are mere moments away from this year’s race.”

“Shouldn’t that be this light year’s race?” said Becki.

“Actually Becki,” said Nick, “a light year is a measurement of distance, not time.”

“Huh?  But the word year is in it.”

“That’s true, but in this case, it is referring to distance not time,” Nick repeated.

“Really?  That doesn’t sound right.  Should I look it up in my Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy?” she asked.

“I don’t think that you’ll find it in there,” he said.  “Just trust me.”


“That’s the horn for the three minute warning.  Three minutes for all the riders to report to the starting line and prepare themselves for the longest two minutes in sports history,” said Nick.

“Is that hyperbole?” said Becki.

“Perhaps,” said Nick, pointing down to the track from his vantage point.  “There is Brock Brawn walking out to start the race.”

“Brock Brawn… baby… burly and buff… Brock’s bulging biceps belongs beside bathing beauties and berating bullies.  As the Backstreet Boys said, ‘Bye, Bye, Bye’!”

“Nice use of alliteration, Becki,” said Nick.

“Hey,” she said, glaring angrily at Nick, “my parents were married!”

Nick’s head drops, shaking back and forth.

“Words sometimes do not you justice, Becki,” said Nick.

“What do you mean…sometimes,” she said with a wag of her head.  

Turning back to the race, Nick continued, “Here comes the racers now.  There is Wampa Lampa with Solomon on its back. What a majestic looking horse he is.  His picturesque amber mane is flowing in the breeze as they trot to the starting gate.  Next up, there is Mr. Edward riding on the Creature from the Black de Moon. Mr. Edward is coming into the race hot, after winning the Saturn Ring 500 in under 13 parsecs.”

“Is parsec a measurement of time, too?” asked Becki.

“Well…..” said Nick, looking to change the subject.  “And there is the oldest Horse in our race. Secretary-Et has been in every Epic Races on Mars events, today riding a Tauntaun from the planet Hoth.”

“Little known fact, Nick, the Tauntaun runs better in the warm temperature than it does on the frozen planet of Hoth.”

“That is correct, Becki.  And there is B.B. B.B. is riding the original hound of hell, Cerberus,” said Nick.

“I have heard that they are considered quite the underdog,” said Becki.

“Ha Ha Ha…real cute, Becki,” said Nick.

“I know I am,’ she said as a big smile flashed across her face.

“All of the other participants are coming up to the starter’s line now as well and we are just mere moments away from the beginning of the race.  You can cut the tension in the air with a knife as the packed house of thousands of spectators and a galaxy full of onlookers wait with baited breath for the start of the Epic Race on Mars.  I think I have goose bumps,” Nick said, rubbing his arm. “There is Brock with the starter’s pistol.”

“Mmmmmmmmmm, Brock,” said Becki.

Brock raised the pistol and pulled the trigger.

“And they are off!” Nick shouted.  “Look at them go. It is a real dogfight here.  I mean…literally as Cerberus has attacked the Tauntaun. “

“Who saw that coming?” Becki said.

“Well, three-headed hell hounds are tough to handle,” said Nick.  

“Yeah,” said Becki.

“And now Cerberus seems to be consuming the Tauntaun.  I have never seen anything quite like this.”

“Oh the humanity!” yelled Becki.

   “And the race is continuing.”  Nick pauses, mouth agape at what he sees in front of him.  “OH MY GOODNESS!!!! That is the most incredible thing I have ever seen.  Quick get a shot of that before it is too late. Just loo-“

Technical Difficulties.


The Epic Race on Mars

By Kevin Fuss

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