Here is another one of those comedies that is just not funny.  I was not looking forward to this one and I was not surprised.

Harold (David Oyelowo) is a mid-level employee at a company run by crooked Richard Rusk (Joel Edgerton) and sexpot Elaine Markinson (Charlize Theron).  The three of them head to Mexico to do stuff (I honestly don’t remember why) and Harold disappears.  Harold runs afoul of the local drug cartel, many locals looking for him and other various sundries.  Meanwhile, Richard and Elaine returned to the USA but have to reconsider what they had planned when Harold called them saying he had been kidnapped.

To start with… this plot is needlessly convoluted despite not having any depth to it at all.  There is a plot involving a pot (aka marijuana) pill that involved Amanda Seyfried somehow, a drug cartel leader who seems to love the Beatles, Harold’s cheating wife (Thandie Newton), a sexual encounter between Richard and Elaine, Elaine trying to stab Richard in the back by going out with Cameron from Ferris Buehler, and Richard hiring his conveniently mercenary brother (Sharlto Copley) to bring Harold back.. or kill him depending on the scene.  Actually Sharlto Copley was probably the most entertaining character in the film.

Of course, Charlize Theron is magnificent to watch on screen as well.

After that… not much here.

Harold is a major problem.  You see, at this plant in Mexico that the three of them go to see, Harold seems to have done a lot there because everyone knows him.  So much so that the Drug Cartel leader thought that Harold was the boss.  Harold is shown as a whimpering, weak willed man, except of course when the plot needs him to do something else.  There is a scene where he is being kidnapped by the drug cartel and he grabs the guy sitting in front of him with a gun, causes him to shoot the driver and is able to buckle his seat belt before the car goes into a massive crash, killing the captors.  Where did he get these skills?  Later, Harold shows off some shooting skills that we never knew he had.

Watching David Oyelowo try and play this was very hard to watch.  He is a much better actor than the crap he was asked to do.

A mess of a film that I have already spent too much time on.  It’s late.  That’s all I have to say… turn your clocks ahead remember!!!

1.5 stars

Okay.  I did not hate this film. I’ve seen some really bad reviews for it and it did not strike me as that horrid.  However, it is not a good movie.

This is a sequel to a film that I did not see, but this sequel is one in which barely touches on what had come before.  In fact, the only connection between The Strangers: Prey at Night and the original Strangers film is that there are three killers with masks who are killing people for apparently no reason.

So in this film, we have a family of four on their way to drop off Kinsey (Bailee Madison) at a boarding school.  I guess she is a troublemaker, but we really don’t see much of that.  They get a late start because Kinsey was causing trouble and Luke (Lewis Pullman), the oldest looking 17-year old ever, was playing baseball.

I guess the morale of this story is never be late.

They arrived at an apparently deserted mobile home where they are quickly stalked and attacked by these three mask wearing psychos.  Mom (Christina Hendricks) and Dad (Martin Henderson) are quick kills, leaving the young girl and her unbelievably older “teenage” brother to try and avoid being stabbed to death.

One of the biggest problem with this was I am sitting in the theater and I am constantly thinking about what I would do in this situation.  Then, I watch these stupid people do the exact opposite of what I would do.  You have got killers with  knives, an axe and a truck.  Why don’t these victims just find as many knives in the kitchens of these mobile homes and go after the killers.  You need to go on offense.

Then, there was a gun.  There is a car.  These things were consistently being lost by these stupid characters.

The characters of the family were so weak that I had no qualms about them dying.  The mother died so quickly that her death held little impact.

And… it was clear that none of these people ever watched Zombieland, because they did not follow the double tap rule.

Jeremy Jahns said in his review that he pictured the guys from Cabin in the Woods sending that gas up to make these people do stupid things, and that was a perfect way to look at it.  I did not hate this as much as Jeremy did, but most of my enjoyment was trying to think about what these stupid people should have done.

2.1 stars

I was able to see an early showing of Greg Berlanti’s new coming of age film, Love, Simon.  It is officially opening March 16th, so the chance to see it this week was interesting.

Simon Spier (Nick Robinson)is a 17-year old senior who has three great friends, a wonderful family he loves and what looks to be a great life.  Only one thing, he has a secret.  He is gay.

When another student posts anonymously on a web site that he was gay, Simon began a written e-mail correspondence with the boy named “Blue.” Curiosity filled Simon as he speculated about several of the possible Blues.

This film was very clever and beautiful.  I really liked the format in which it told the story.  Every time Simon focused in on a potential subject, that actor would assume the role of Blue, reading off e-mails and being pictured, in Simon’s mind, as the mysterious e-mailer. That technique kept the audience off guard and prevent the mystery of who Blue was a secret.

And Simon’s mind was an ample place as we got many creative scenes involving these possible Blues, including a dance number.  It brought a great deal of fun to the film that could have focused on the drama only.

There were several other wonderful characters here as well, portrayed by an astounding cast.  Simon’s parents, Jack and Emily (Josh Duhamel and Jennifer Garner), were progressive and engaging.  Simon’s friends Leah (Katherine Langford), Abby (Alexandra Shipp), and Nick (Jorge Lendeborg Jr.) all have problems of their own.  They are all three-dimensional characters and I believed everything they did.  This young group of four actors, including Nick Robinson, are extremely talented and do a wonderful job with everything that was given to them.

Logan Miller was also standout as the trying-to-hard Martin.  I have to say, there was something that I thought was going to happen near the end of the film that did not happen and I was happy that the film avoided that cliche.  I don’t want to go into it because it could swerve into spoiler territory and I don’t want that.

The teaching staff at the school was certainly unrealistic, but remarkably funny.  In particular was Ms. Albright (Natasha Rothwell) and Mr. Worth (Tony Hale) who stole every scene in which they were in.  Natasha Rothwell’s delivery of her lines were comedic perfection.

I did think that the ending of the movie was too sweet and saccharine to be realistic, but I cannot fault Berlanti for wanting to provide that grand romantic resolution for a young gay couple that movies have usually reserved for heterosexual pairings.   It speaks to the greater acceptance of the homosexual lifestyle coming from the youth of the world.  Sure there are some of the idiocy of the past bleeding into the film, but the vast majority is shown to be accepting of the news, at least eventually.  Society has come quite a long way. At one point in my life time, this film would have been massively controversial.

Love, Simon is like a fairy tale romance (no pun intended) that also looks at the challenge and the fears involved in coming out.  What will my family, my friends, my peers think of me now that I have come out? Who am I now?  These questions are handled with humor, sincerity and a heart-felt courage while putting on a highly entertaining movie.  Yes, it may go too far into the world of sappiness, but its heart is in the right place.

4.1  stars

Disappointing.

I had been looking forward to this adaptation of Madeleine L’Engle’s classic science fiction children’s book A Wrinkle in Time.  Unfortunately, it looks as if the ideas and concepts in the novel could not be adapted to the big screen.

The film itself was not good.  Yes, there are many who say that wonderful director Ava DuVernay took some big chances and really swung for the fences on this.  While true, that should not be an excuse for creating something that was not good.

Meg (Storm Reid) is a young teen girl and she had a close relationship with her father (Chris Pine), working on big brain scientific stuff.  When he goes missing, Meg becomes depressed and starts to change her mannerisms.  She becomes angry and quick to respond.  Four years pass and she is still getting into fights with the stereotypical mean girls at her school and trying to still protect her young adopted brother Charles Wallace (Deric McCabe).

When Meg is approached by some inter-dimensional witches who had already befriended  Charles Wallace, she, her brother and tag along “boyfriend” Calvin (Levi Miller) go across the dimensions in search of her father, whom they believed was alive and lost.

Let’s start off with the strengths of this movie. Storm Reid is wonderful in the lead role. There is something original and fresh about her and she is very compelling.  Her relationship with Chris Pine as her father and Levi Miller as Calvin were strengths of the movie.

Much of the movie was beautiful to look at.  The CGI and the effects were lovely, for the most part.

Oprah Winfrey, Reese Witherspoon and Mindy Kaling were fine as the witches Mrs. Which, Mrs. Whatsit and Mrs. Who respectfully.  However, there was not much for any of them to do.  None of these characters had any real compelling reason to be involved in this story.  Unfortunately, Oprah felt like a big time distraction as every time she was on the screen I was thinking that this was Oprah and looking at the funny things glued to her face.

Kaling was completely wasted as the only thing she seemed to be here for was to spout off quotes from the world.  Even more of a waste was the use of Michael Peña, who was in the film for just a few minutes. 

The story itself felt very flimsy.  The scientific parts were brushed over which made a lot of what was happening feel confusing, and the story reduced itself to a very simplistic take on let’s find daddy and love vs. evil.

The antagonist is extremely underwhelming and we have no idea what it is supposed to be, except of course for evil.  We do not know why this evil creature, known as It (not Pennywise, by the way) wants Meg to join him so badly.

Sadly, A Wrinkle in Time felt very long and, at time, boring.  The movie is not long in comparison to some of the other blockbusters released these days, but it definitely felt longer than it was.

Maybe this is truly a book that is unfilmable and we should appreciate the attempt.  There are good parts of the film and I definitely found Storm Reid to be a wonderfully refreshing change, but A Wrinkle in Time just does not live up to the reputation of Disney or the original source material.

2.5 stars

Tremendously terrible.

This one falls into the category of totally horrible movies that entertain you with how bad they are.  I did not sit in the theater grumbling about how bad this movie was because I was too busy laughing at the unintentionally funny parts of it.

As a film, this thing is B…A..Double D… BADD.

An Treasury Agent teams up with a weatherman to try to stop a theft of $600 million dollars of old bills scheduled to be shredded.  Oh, and the theft was planned to take place during a hurricane.

Maggie Grace, Shannon from LOST and probably more well known as Liam Neeson’s oft kidnapped daughter from the Taken franchise, stars as the Treasury Agent Casey.  Grace is passable in the role though she seemed to be able to do way more than one would expect a Treasury Agent to be able to do.  She is, at least, a presence on the screen and is enjoyable to watch.

Toby Kebbell, however, as Will was saddled with having to perform a… I’m going to guess… Southern accent throughout the entire film that was much more distracting than anything else happening.  When he first started talking, I had to stifle a laugh.  I would not stifle many more as the film progressed.

Everything in here so so ridiculous.  The stunts, the physics, the dialogue…. just terrible.  The film started off in a flashback of young Will and his obnoxious brother Breeze out with their father as a hurricane approached.  They were desperately trying to get away, but their truck winds up off road and the boys have to take shelter in an empty house in the middle of nowhere.  As father started outside to try and get the truck freed, you knew what was going to happen.  The storm started bringing the house down and the father got crushed by a rolling water tower in a moment that should not have been as hilarious as it looked.  It reminded me again of LOST how so many people wound up getting killed by being hit by a bus.

Move to the future, the brothers are estranged for, you know, reasons, but Will is still trying to help his brother as another massive hurricane is forming and only Will can correctly identify it because of his sense.  But Breeze is a hard drinking loser who sits around his house in his underwear.  Any guesses if Breeze will find redemption in the third act?

When Casey and Will meet up and help each other out, since Will has a storm chasing vehicle he called the Dominator that can brave the storm. The pair of them go about keeping the bad guys at bay for much of the film.  One of the funniest and cringe-worthiest moments came when Will grabbed a bunch of hubcaps and started hurling them Captain America-like into the wind of the hurricane and one of them wound up buried into one of the villain’s chests.

Of course, Casey and Will were not always on the same page, despite them asking each other constantly, like Aladdin to Jasmine, “Do you trust me?”  Casey suggested, despite Will’s strong objections, that they make the Dominator into a car bomb, much like Timothy McVeigh.  We even go as far as seeing them grabbing bags of fertilizer.  Thing is, I did not see them actually pull it off.  Maybe I was dozing at the time…or perhaps it was a restroom break.  Either way, it felt like it was dropped.

Then, the final semi truck chase scene with a barrelling hurricane behind them is as stupid as you can imagine.  It felt like a Fast and the Furious movie with less sense or realism.

The film was really bad and there was little redeeming quality to it.  My mind immediately went to how great this film would be if it were being riffed by RiffTrax or covered by Mystery Science Theater 3000.  That is this film’s future.

0.8 stars

I had not seen the 1974 film Death Wish, starring Charles Bronson so I did not have that crutch coming into the new version directed by Eli Roth and starring Bruce Willis.  I do plan on watching this version late4r this afternoon, but it did not affect my viewpoint on the film.

I will say that I had very low expectations coming into the film.  I am not going to comment on the pulse of the nation after the most recent school shooting.  That should not go into the review.  Neither will my own personal opinion on guns and the ability to easily get them.

Bruce Willis plays a surgeon named Paul Kersey, whose wife gets killed and his daughter is put into a coma after a house robbery that turns deadly.  Frustrated that the police were getting nowhere with the case, Kersey winds up taking up a gun, putting on a hoodie and going onto the streets of Chicago looking for vigilante justice.  Dubbed “The Grim Reaper” by the press, Willis continues hi search for the men who murdered his wife.

The is nothing original here.  We have seen this revenge story countless times, and done in a considerably better way.  The Netflix Punisher series just recently was way better than this despite covering many of the same tropes and issues.  The film could have taken itself in several interesting ways dealing with loss or dealing with how grief can change a man, but it really only takes the most surface level of story.

And a surface level story is fine if you have other things with it.  Unfortunately, a second major drawback here is Bruce Willis.  I love Bruce Willis, but he has not had a great performance in a while (maybe since Looper).  Paul Kersey has zero development of character.  When we first see him, he is called from one surgery to head to E.R.  He walked into an operation room where a police officer had multiple gunshot wounds and was flatlining.  He put his fingers to the cop’s neck and pronounced him dead without doing anything to him.  Then, he went and told his partner that they did everything they could.  I immediately perked up because that was simply not true so I thought maybe this guy was damaged somehow.

However, we then see him at home where he has a beautiful wife and a beautiful daughter who has just been accepted to a college in New York.  Willis looks to have a perfect life.  So why was he so unemotional at his job?  Is it just that he has seen so many gunshot wounds that he has become hardened to them?  You would think that we would then see that in the film, but it is never addressed again.

In fact, no one has a character arc in the story except for Kersey’s brother Frank (Vincent D’Onofrio), who changes his life after his sister-in-law is killed.  However, Frank is treated like crap by his brother.

There are some fun moments of violence that are put together like an old 1980s action film intended to gain an applause response from the crowd.  These are done fairly well.  There are some spots throughout that, if you turn off your brain, you can find entertaining.  However, there are also moments of extreme humor that is absolutely unintentional.  One of the robbers was going to tie up daughter Jordon (Camila Morrone) and he was searching through the kitchen cupboards.  He even stopped to say, “Where is the rope?”  I almost fell off the seat.

This was not as horrendous as I thought it was going to be, but it is not a good movie.  There is really no character arc at all, little plot, and only passably entertaining action.  Bruce Willis is a much better actor than he shows here.  There is zero subtlety in a story that could have had plenty.  Eli Roth is more interested in the in your face aspect than any kind of character study.  The rebooted Death Wish is not worth your time.

2 stars