This is probably much higher on a lot of people’s lists. I just rewatched this last year before going to see the live-action version and I enjoyed it more than I remember from the first time I watched it. This is a great, creative new film.
Voice actors: Chris Sanders, Daveigh Chase, David Ogden Stiers, Steve Blum, Kevin Michael Richardson, Tia Carrere, Ving Rhames, Kevin McDonald, Zoe Caldwell, Jason Scott Lee, and Jack Angel.
The first fun animated movie based during Christmastime. Arthur was Santa’s son who was clumsy, but kind-hearted, and he helped with the complex, hi-tech operation of present delivery. The clever and original way the presents are delivered in this film is one of the best aspects of Arthur Christmas.
Voice Cast: James McAvoy, Hugh Laurie, Bill Nighy, Jim Broadbent, Imelda Staunton, Ashley Jensen, Marc Wootton, Michael Palin, Sanjeev Bhaskar, Robbie Coltrane, Joan Cusack, Rhys Darby, Jane Horrocks, Iain McKee, Andy Serkis, and Dominic West.
Animation Style: bright, 3D computer-generated (CG)
Produced by Nintendo & Illumination
The Super Mario Bros. Movie was a huge success, breaking into the billion dollar club. The film had some fun moments and looked great, full of color. There was a sequel this year that also reached the billion dollar level.
Voice actors: Chris Pratt, Jack Black, Anya Taylor-Joy, Charlie Day, Keegan-Michael Key, Seth Rogen, Fred Armisen, Sebastian Maniscalco and Kevin Michael Richardson.
This film, along with the live action Prey, has helped to revitalize the Predator franchise after years of failed projects. The animation of this Hulu film was top notch and it took the story in a whole new level.
Voice cast included: Lindsay LaVanchy, Louis Ozawa Changchien, Rick Gonzalez, Michael Biehn, Doug Cockle, Damien Haas , Lauren Holt, Jeff Leach and Piotr Michael.
Animation Style: traditional American comics with sharp Japanese anime
Hulk Vs. featured the Incredible Hulk in two separate one on one battles. One is with Wolverine and the second is with Thor. It is a direct to video animated movie that is extremely awesome. Hulk vs. Wolverine is something that we all want to see, and I still think at some point, we will get it in the MCU. We have seen Hulk vs. Thor in live action, and it never fails.
Voice actors: Fred Tatasciore, Matthew Wolf, Graham McTavish, Kari Wahlgren, Bryce Johnson, Steve Blum, Mark Acheson, Grey DeLisle and Janyse Jaud.
Animation Style: hybrid of classic hand-drawn art and cutting-edge computer animation
The sequel to the 1977 Rescuers, this has a place on this list for one main reason. There is a new mouse named Jake and he was voiced by the late, great Tristian Rogers. Rogers played Robert Scorpio on General Hospital and he was one of my favorite characters on the show. Hearing his Australian accent in the major Disney movie was awesome.
Other voice actors: Bob Newhart, Eva Gabor, John Candy, George C. Scott, Peter Firth, Bernard Fox, Billy Barty
I’m not sure that this film would make a top 100 list normally, but I really wanted Looney Tunes to be represented on this list and there were no other potential films available. The feature film included Daffy Duck and Porty Pig and an alien invasion of earth.
This was a lot of fun, though it was missing Bugs Bunny, in my opinion.
And so, we have reached #1 on the Top 100 Weird Al Songs, and it is Yoda. Yoda was played on the Doctor Demento Show for years prior to being released on Dare to Be Stupid because of the troubles Al had in securing the permission he always looked for from the label of the Kinks. According to Wikipedia, Al had a chance meeting with “Lola” writer, Ray Davies, and he asked him why he refused to approve the parody. Davies said that no one had asked him, which finally led to Yoda being released on Al’s third album.
I loved this song so much as a youngster. In my Speech class in high school, we were assigned to do a lip synch, and I chose to do Yoda. I received a perfect score from Mrs. Tilton (RIP).
Lyrics
I met him in a swamp down in Dagobah Where it bubbles all the time like a giant carbonated soda S O D A, soda
I saw the little runt sitting there on a log I asked him his name and in a raspy voice he said “Yoda” Y O D A, Yoda Yo-yo-yo-yo Yoda
Well, I’ve been around, but I ain’t never seen A guy who looks like a muppet, but he’s wrinkled and green Oh, my Yoda Yo-yo-yo-yo Yoda
Well, I’m not dumb, but I can’t understand How he can lift me in the air just by raising his hand Oh, my Yoda Yo-yo-yo-yo Yoda Yo-yo-yo-yo Yoda
Well, I left home just a week before And I’ve never ever been a Jedi before But Obi Wan, he set me straight, of course He said, “Go to Yoda and he’ll show you the Force”
Well I’m not the kind that would argue with Ben So it looks like I’m gonna start all over again With my Yoda Yo-yo-yo-yo Yoda Yo-yo-yo-yo Yoda Yoda Yo-yo-yo-yo Yoda Yo-yo-yo-yo Yoda
So I used the Force I picked up a box I lifted some rocks While I stood on my head Well, I won’t forget what Yoda said
He said, “Luke, stay away from the darker side And if you start to go astray, let the Force be your guide” Oh, my Yoda Yo-yo-yo-yo Yoda
“I know Darth Vader’s really got you annoyed But remember, if you kill him, then you’ll be unemployed” Oh, my Yoda Yo-yo-yo-yo Yoda
Well, I heard my friends really got in a mess So I’m gonna have to leave Yoda I guess But I know that I’ll be coming back some day I’ll be playing this part ’till I’m old and gray
The long-term contract I had to sign Says I’ll be making these movies till the end of time With my Yoda Yo-yo-yo-yo Yoda Yo-yo-yo-yo Yoda Yoda Yo-yo-yo-yo Yoda Yo-yo-yo-yo Yoda Yoda Yo-yo-yo-yo Yoda Yo-yo-yo-yo Yoda Yoda Yo-yo-yo-yo Yoda Yo-yo-yo-yo Yoda Yoda Yo-yo-yo-yo Yoda Yo-yo-yo-yo Yoda Yoda Yo-yo-yo-yo Yoda Yo-yo-yo-yo Yoda Yoda Yo-yo-yo-yo Yoda Yo-yo-yo-yo Yoda
In concert, Weird Al has done something special in the middle of the song. Dubbed the “Yoda Chant”, Al and his band slow down the music and begin a rhymical, a cappella chant that included a series of both mnemonic devices and bits from songs. Some of the pieces included in the Yoda Chant was “Frère Jacques,” “The Lion Sleeps Tonight,” “Surfin’ Bird,” the “Hawaiian War Chant,” the “Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oi Oi Oi,” and “Grim Grinning Ghosts” among others.
Written: Hakeem T. Seriki / Anthony Henderson / Oscar Edward Salinas / Juan Carlos Jr. Salinas/Al Yankovic
Style: Rap/Hip Hop
Topic: Nerd culture
Fact: This was Yankovic’s first-ever top 10 hit on the Billboard Hot 100 and his first single to be certified platinum.
We are down to two. I loved this song so much. I had never heard the original, and the parody is one of the greatest of all time.
Lyrics
They see me mowin’ My front lawn I know they’re all thinking I’m so white ‘n’ nerdy Think I’m just too white ‘n’ nerdy Think I’m just too white ‘n’ nerdy Can’t you see I’m white ‘n’ nerdy? Look at me, I’m white ‘n’ nerdy!
I wanna roll with The gangsters But so far they all think I’m too white ‘n’ nerdy Think I’m just too white ‘n’ nerdy Think I’m just too white ‘n’ nerdy I’m just too white ‘n’ nerdy Really, really white ‘n’ nerdy
First in my class here at M.I.T Got skills, I’m a champion at D&D MC Escher, that’s my favorite MC Keep your 40, I’ll just have an Earl Grey tea My rims never spin to the contrary You’ll find that they’re quite stationary All of my action figures are cherry Stephen Hawking’s in my library
My-MySpace page is all totally pimped out I got people begging for my topic spaces Yo, I know Pi out to a thousand places Ain’t got no grills but I still wear braces I order all of my sandwiches with mayonnaise I’m a whiz at Minesweeper, I can play for days Once you see my sweet moves you’re gonna stay amazed My fingers movin’ so fast I’ll set the place ablaze
There’s no killer app I haven’t run At Pascal well I’m number one Do vector calculus just for fun I ain’t got a gat but I gotta soldering gun Happy Days is my favorite theme song I can sure kick your butt in a game of ping pong I’ll ace any trivia quiz you bring on I’m fluent in JavaScript as well as Klingon
They see me roll on my Segway I know in my heart they think I’m White ‘n’ nerdy Think I’m just too white ‘n’ nerdy Think I’m just too white ‘n’ nerdy Can’t you see I’m white ‘n’ nerdy? Look at me, I’m white ‘n’ nerdy!
I’d like to roll with The gangsters Although it’s apparent I’m too White n’ nerdy Think I’m just too white ‘n’ nerdy Think I’m just too white ‘n’ nerdy I’m just too white ‘n’ nerdy How’d I get so white ‘n’ nerdy?
I’ve been browsing, inspectin’ X-Men comics you know I collect ’em The pens in my pocket, I must protect ’em My ergonomic keyboard never leaves me bored Shopping online for deals on some writable media I edit Wikipedia I memorized the Holy Grail really well I can recite it right now and have you “ROTFLOL”
I got a business doing websites When my friends need some code who do they call? I do HTML for them all Even made a homepage for my dog Yo, I got myself a fanny pack They were having a sale down at the GAP Spend my nights with a roll of bubble wrap Pop pop! Hope no one sees me get freaky!
I’m nerdy in the extreme And whiter than sour cream I was in AV club and Glee club And even the chess team! Only question I ever thought was hard Was do I like Kirk or do I like Picard? I spend every weekend at the Renaissance Faire I got my name on my underwear!
They see me strollin’ They laughin’ And rollin’ their eyes ’cause I’m so white ‘n’ nerdy Just because I’m white ‘n’ nerdy Just because I’m white ‘n’ nerdy All because I’m white ‘n’ nerdy Holy cow, I’m white ‘n’ nerdy!
I wanna bowl with The gangsters But oh well it’s obvious I’m White ‘n’ nerdy Think I’m just too white ‘n’ nerdy Think I’m just too white ‘n’ nerdy I’m just too white ‘n’ nerdy Look at me, I’m white ‘n’ nerdy!
Style parody: A doo-wop parody of artists like Elvis Presley and The Platters.
Style: Doo-Wop
This is the highest rated original song on this list. One More Minute is one of the greatest break up songs of all time.
Lyrics
Well I heard that you’re leavin’ Gonna leave me far behind ‘Cause you found a brand new lover You decided that I’m not your kind
So I pulled your name out of my Rolodex And I tore all your pictures in two And I burned down the malt shop where we used to go Just because it reminds me of you
That’s right, you ain’t gonna see me cryin’ I’m glad that you found somebody new ‘Cause I’d rather spend eternity eating shards of broken glass Than spend one more minute with you
I guess I might seem kinda bitter You got me feelin’ down in the dumps ‘Cause I’m stranded all alone in the gas station of love And I have to use the self service pumps
Oh, so honey, let me help you with that suitcase You ain’t gonna break my heart in two ‘Cause I’d rather get a hundred thousand paper cuts on my face Than spend one more minute with you
I’d rather rip out my intestines with a fork Than watch you going out with other men I’d rather slam my fingers in a door
Again and again and again and again and again Oh, can’t you see what I’m tryin’ to say, darlin’
I’d rather have my blood sucked out by leeches Shove an icepick under a toenail or two I’d rather clean all the bathrooms In Grand Central Station with my tongue Than spend one more minute with you
Yes, I’d rather jump naked on a huge pile of thumbtacks Or stick my nostrils together with crazy glue I’d rather dive into a swimming pool filled With double edged razor blades Than spend one more minute with you
I’d rather rip my heart right out of my ribcage With my bare hands and then throw it on the floor And stomp on it ’till I die
Written: Douglas B. Rasheed / Stevie Wonder / Larry James Sanders / Artis L. Jr. Ivey/Al Yankovic
Style: Rap/Hip-Hop
Top: Amish life
Lyrics
As I walk through the valley where I harvest my grain I take a look at my wife and realize she’s very plain But that’s just perfect for an Amish like me You know, I shun fancy things like electricity At 4:30 in the morning, I’m milkin’ cows Jebediah feeds the chickens and Jacob plows, fool
And I’ve been milkin’ and plowin’ so long that Even Ezekiel thinks that my mind is gone I’m a man of the land, I’m into discipline Got a Bible in my hand and a beard on my chin But if I finish all of my chores, and you finish thine Then tonight, we’re gonna party like it’s 1699
We been spending most our lives Livin’ in an Amish paradise I churned butter once or twice Livin’ in an Amish paradise It’s hard work and sacrifice Livin’ in an Amish paradise We sell quilts at discount price Livin’ in an Amish paradise
A local boy kicked me in the butt last week I just smiled at him and I turned the other cheek I really don’t care, in fact I wish him well ‘Cause I’ll be laughing my head off when he’s burning in Hell But I ain’t never punched a tourist even if he deserved it An Amish with a ‘tude? You know that’s unheard of
I never wear buttons but I got a cool hat And my homies agree I really look good in black, fool If you come to visit, you’ll be bored to tears We haven’t even paid the phone bill in 300 years But we ain’t really quaint, so please don’t point and stare We’re just technologically impaired
There’s no phone, no lights, no motorcar Not a single luxury Like Robinson Crusoe It’s as primitive as can be
We been spending most our lives Livin’ in an Amish paradise We’re just plain and simple guys Livin’ in an Amish paradise There’s no time for sin and vice Livin’ in an Amish paradise We don’t fight, we all play nice Livin’ in an Amish paradise
Hitchin’ up the buggy, churnin’ lots of butter Raised a barn on Monday, soon I’ll raise another Think you’re really righteous? Think you’re pure in heart? Well, I know I’m a million times as humble as thou art I’m the pious guy the little Amlettes wanna be like On my knees day and night, scorin’ points for the afterlife So don’t be vain and don’t be whiny Or else, my brother, I might have to get medieval on your Heine
We been spending most our lives Livin’ in an Amish paradise We’re all crazy Mennonites Livin’ in an Amish paradise There’s no cops or traffic lights Livin’ in an Amish paradise But you’d probably think it bites Livin’ in an Amish paradise
Written: Clifford Harris / Jr. / Pharrell Williams / Robin Thicke/Al Yankovic
Genre: Rap/Disco/R&B
Topic: Your bad grammar (NOT YOU’RE BAD GRAMMAR!)
I have shown this to my 7th grade literacy class since the release in 2014. It has all kinds of my personal gripes over grammar and the people who just do not know how important grammar is.
If you can’t write in the proper way If you don’t know how to conjugate Maybe you flunked that class And maybe now you find That people mock you online
Okay, now here’s the deal I’ll try to educate ya Gonna familiarize You with the nomenclature You’ll learn the definitions Of nouns and prepositions Literacy’s your mission And that’s why I think it’s a
Good time To learn some grammar Now, did I stammer Work on that grammar You should know when It’s “less” or it’s “fewer” Like people who were Never raised in a sewer
I hate these word crimes Like I could care less That means you do care At least a little Don’t be a moron You’d better slow down And use the right pronoun Show the world you’re no clown Everybody wise up!
Say you got an “I”, “T” Followed by apostrophe, “s” Now what does that mean? You would not use “it’s” in this case As a possessive It’s a contraction What’s a contraction? Well, it’s the shortening of a word, or a group of words By the omission of a sound or letter
Okay, now here’s some notes Syntax you’re always mangling No “x” in “espresso” Your participle’s danglin’ But I don’t want your drama If you really wanna Leave out that Oxford comma Just keep in mind
That “be”, “see”, “are”, “you” Are words, not letters Get it together Use your spellchecker You should never Write words using numbers Unless you’re seven Or your name is Prince
I hate these word crimes You really need a Full time proofreader You dumb mouth-breather Well, you should hire Some cunning linguist To help you distinguish What is proper English
One thing I ask of you Time to learn your homophones is past due Learn to diagram a sentence too Always say “to whom” Don’t ever say “to who” And listen up when I tell you this I hope you never use quotation marks for emphasis You finished second grade I hope you can tell If you’re doing good or doing well About better figure out the difference Irony is not coincidence And I thought that you’d gotten it through your skull What’s figurative and what’s literal Oh but, just now, you said You literally couldn’t get out of bed That really makes me want to literally Smack a crowbar upside your stupid head
I read your e-mail It’s quite apparent Your grammar’s errant You’re incoherent Saw your blog post It’s really fantastic That was sarcastic (Oh, psych!) ‘Cause you write like a spastic
I hate these Word Crimes Your prose is dopey Think you should only Write in emoji Oh, you’re a lost cause Go back to pre-school Get out of the gene pool Try your best to not drool
Never mind I give up Really now I give up Hey, hey, hey Hey, hey, hey Go away!
Included in: Lin-Manuel Miranda’s monthly “#Hamildrops” project
Written by Albert Johnson / Osten Harvey / Christopher Wallace / Roger Troutman / Kejuan Muchita / Lin-Manuel Miranda/Al Yankovic
Songs: “Alexander Hamilton,” “Wait For It,” “The Schuyler Sisters,” “Yorktown (The World Turned Upside Down),” “Dear Theodosia,” “You’ll Be Back,” “The Room Where It Happens,” “Right Hand Man,” “Guns and Ships,” “Washington on Your Side,” “Helpless,” “Non-Stop,” “History Has Its Eyes on You,” and “My Shot.”
This is Weird Al’s Polka Opus, taking the Broadway sensation Hamilton and turning it into a polka. There was a video of Lin-Manuel Miranda listening to The Hamilton Polka for the first time, and he had tears of joy running down his face. Miranda is a huge fan of Weird Al and you could tell how honored he was with Al using his work as a polka.
Lyrics
How does a bastard, orphan, son of a whore and a Scotsman, dropped in the middle of a forgotten Spot in the Caribbean by providence, impoverished, in squalor Grow up to be a hero and a scholar?
The ten-dollar Founding Father without a father Got a lot farther by working a lot harder By being a lot smarter By being a self-starter
By fourteen, they placed him in charge of the trading charter Alexander Hamilton My name is Alexander Hamilton And there’s a million things I haven’t done
But just you wait, just you wait Wait for it Wait for it Wait for it Wait for it
I am the one thing in life I can control Wait for it Wait for it Wait for it Wait for it
I am inimitable I am an original And if there’s a reason I’m still alive When so many have died Then I’m willin’ to—
I’m willing to Work, work! Angelica! Work, work!
Eliza! And Peggy—
Look around, at how lucky we are to be alive right now! History is happening in Manhattan and we just happen to be In the greatest city In the greatest city in the world! The world turned upside down The world turned upside down The world turned upside down The world turned upside down
Yeah you’ll blow us all away Oceans rise, empires fall We have seen each other through it all And when push comes to shove
I will send a fully armed battalion to remind you of my love! Da da da dat da dat da da da da ya da Da da dat dat da da ya da!
No one else was in The room where it happened The room where it happened The room where it happened No one else was in
The room where it happened The room where it happened The room where it happened No one really knows how the game is played
The art of the trade How the sausage gets made We just assume that it happens But no one else is in the room where it happens
We are outgunned (What?) Outmanned (What?) Outnumbered Outplanned
We gotta make an all out stand Ayo, I’m gonna need a right-hand man Hamilton! Sir, he knows what to do in a trench Ingenuitive and fluent in French, I mean—
Hamilton! Sir, you’re gonna have to use him eventually What’s he gonna do on the bench? I mean— Hamilton! No one has more resilience Or matches my practical tactical brilliance—
Hamilton! You wanna fight for your land back? Hamilton! I need my right hand man back! Uh, get ya right hand man back
You know you gotta get ya right hand man back I mean you gotta put some thought Into the letter but the sooner the better To get your right hand man back!
It must be nice, it must be nice To have Washington on your side It must be nice, it must be nice To have Washington on your side Look back at the Bill of Rights (Which I wrote!)
The ink hasn’t dried It must be nice, it must be nice To have Washington on your side— Somebody has to stand up for the South! Somebody has to stand up to his mouth!
If there’s a fire you’re trying to douse You can’t put it out from inside the house I’m in the cabinet, I am complicit in Watching him grabbin’ at power and kiss it If Washington isn’t gon’ listen To disciplined dissidents, this is the difference: This kid is out
In New York you can be a new man How do you write like you’re running out of time? Write day and night like you’re running out of time? Ev’ry day you fight like you’re running out of time Like you’re running out of time
Are you running out of time? Let me tell you what I wish I’d known When I was young and dreamed of glory You have no control Who lives, who dies, who tells your story I know that we can win I know that greatness lies in you But remember from here on in History has its eyes on you (Whoa…)
And I am not throwing away my shot I am not throwing away my shot Hey yo, I’m just like my country I’m young, scrappy and hungry And I’m not throwing away my shot We gonna rise up, time to take a shot (Not throwing away my shot) We gonna rise up, time to take a shot (Not throwing away my shot) We’re gonna rise up, rise up! (It’s time to take a shot!) Rise up, rise up! And I am not throwing away my Not throwing away my shot There’s a million things I haven’t done But just you wait (Just wait) What’s your name, man? Alexander (Hamilton) Alexander (Hamilton) Alexander (Hamilton) Alexander
Topic: encourage listeners to embrace absurdity, let go of common idioms, and be playful.
Title track to Weird Al’s third studio album, Dare to Be Stupid is one of the greatest original songs Weird Al has ever written. The silliness involved is epic and his Devo style pastiche is brilliant.
Lyrics
Put down that chainsaw and listen to me It’s time for us to join in the fight It’s time to let your babies grow up to be cowboys It’s time to let the bedbugs bite
You better put all your eggs in one basket You better count your chickens before they hatch You better sell some wine before it’s time You better find yourself an itch to scratch
You better squeeze all the Charmin you can While Mr. Wipple’s not around Stick your head in the microwave and get yourself a tan
Talk with your mouth full Bite the hand that feeds you Bite off more than you chew What can you do? Dare to be stupid
Take some wooden nickels Look for Mr. Goodbar Get your mojo working now I’ll show you how You can dare to be stupid
You can turn the other cheek You can just give up the ship You can eat a bunch of sushi then forget to leave a tip
Dare to be stupid Come on and dare to be stupid It’s so easy to do Dare to be stupid We’re all waiting for you Let’s go
It’s time to make a mountain out of a molehill So can I have a volunteer? There’s no more time for crying over spilled milk Now it’s time for crying in your beer
Settle down, raise a family, join the PTA Buy some sensible shoes and a Chevrolet And party ’til you’re broke and they drive you away It’s okay, you can dare to be stupid
It’s like spitting on a fish It’s like barking up a tree It’s like I said you gotta buy one if you wanna get one free
Dare to be stupid (Yes) Why don’t you dare to be stupid? It’s so easy to do
Dare to be stupid We’re all waiting for you Dare to be stupid
Burn your candle at both ends Look a gift horse in the mouth Mashed potatoes can be your friends
You can be a coffee achiever You can sit around the house and watch “Leave It To Beaver” The future’s up to you So what you gonna do?
Dare to be stupid, dare to be stupid What did I say? Dare to be stupid
Tell me, what did I say? Dare to be stupid It’s alright Dare to be stupid We can be stupid all night
Dare to be stupid Come on, join the crowd Dare to be stupid Shout it out loud
Dare to be stupid I can’t hear you Dare to be stupid Okay, I can hear you now
Dare to be stupid Let’s go, dare to be stupid Dare to be stupid Dare to be stupid
Dare to be stupid Dare to be stupid Dare to be stupid Dare to be stupid Dare to be stupid
Style Pastiche: The Rugburns’ track “Dick’s Automotive.”
Genre: Hard-driving rock narrative
Length: 11 minutes and 23 sec.- longest song Weird Al ever officially released.
Topic: Albuquerque is the best place… and Weird Al hates sauerkraut.
This epic song is one of my absolute favorite songs. It is an absurdist piece of music with so much insanity squeezed into it. I saw Weird Al perform this life once and, during it, he came across the line where he said he “…lost his train of thought.” He then proceeded to restart the song to try and remember what he wanted to say. Absolutely hilarious. Of course, what he wanted to say was that “I HATE SAUERKRAUT!”
Lyrics
Way back when I was just a little bitty boy Living in a box under the stairs In the corner of the basement of the house Half a block down the street from Jerry’s Bait shop You know the place Well anyway, back then life was going swell and everything was just peachy
Except, of course, for the undeniable fact that every single morning My mother would make me a big ol’ bowl of sauerkraut for breakfast
Daww, big bowl of sauerkraut Every single morning It was driving me crazy
I said to my mom I said “Hey, mom, what’s up with all the sauerkraut?” And my dear, sweet mother She just looked at me like a cow looks at an oncoming train And she leaned right down next to me And she said “It’s good for you” And then she tied me to the wall and stuck a funnel in my mouth And force fed me nothing but sauerkraut Until I was twenty six and a half years old
That’s when I swore that someday Someday I would get outta that basement and travel to a magical, far away place Where the sun is always shining and the air smells like warm root beer And the towels are oh so fluffy Where the Shriners and the lepers play their ukuleles all day long And anyone on the street will gladly shave your back for a nickel
Wacka wacka doo-doo yeah
Well, let me tell you, people, it wasn’t long at all before my dream came true Because the very next day, a local radio station had this contest To see who could correctly guess the number of molecules in Leonard Nimoy’s butt I was off by three, but I still won the grand prize That’s right, a first class one-way ticket to
Albuquerque Albuquerque
Oh yeah You know, I’d never been on a real airplane before And I gotta tell ya, it was really great Except that I had to sit between two large Albanian women With excruciatingly severe body odor And the little kid in back of me kept throwin’ up the whole time The flight attendants ran out of Dr. Pepper and salted peanuts And the in-flight movie was Bio-Dome with Pauly Shore And, oh yeah, three of the airplane engines burned out And we went into a tailspin and crashed into a hillside And the plane exploded in a giant fireball and everybody died Except for me You know why?
‘Cause I had my tray table up And my seat back in the full upright position Had my tray table up And my seat back in the full upright position Had my tray table up And my seat back in the full upright position
Ah ha ha ha Ah ha ha Ah
So I crawled from the twisted, burnin’ wreckage I crawled on my hands and knees for three full days Draggin’ along my big leather suitcase and my garment bag And my tenor saxophone and my twelve-pound bowling ball And my lucky, lucky autographed glow-in-the-dark snorkel But finally I arrived at the world famous Albuquerque Holiday Inn Where the towels are oh so fluffy And you can eat your soup right out of the ashtrays if you wanna It’s OK, they’re clean
Well, I checked into my room and I turned down the A/C And I turned on the SpectraVision And I’m just about to eat that little chocolate mint on my pillow That I love so very, very much when suddenly, there’s a knock on the door
Well now, who could that be? I say “Who is it?” No answer “Who is it?” There’s no answer “Who is it?” They’re not sayin’ anything
So, finally I go over and I open the door and just as I suspected It’s some big fat hermaphrodite with a Flock-Of-Seagulls haircut and only one nostril Oh man, I hate it when I’m right So anyway, he bursts into my room and he grabs my lucky snorkel And I’m like “Hey, you can’t have that” “That snorkel’s been just like a snorkel to me” And he’s like “Tough” And I’m like “Give it” And he’s like “Make me” And I’m like “‘Kay” So I grabbed his leg and he grabbed my esophagus And I bit off his ear and he chewed off my eyebrows And I took out his appendix and he gave me a colonic irrigation Yes indeed, you better believe it And somehow in the middle of it all, the phone got knocked off the hook And twenty seconds later, I heard a familiar voice And you know what it said? I’ll tell you what it said
It said “If you’d like to make a call, please hang up and try again” “If you need help, hang up and then dial your operator” “If you’d like to make a call, please hang up and try again” “If you need help, hang up and then dial your operator”
In Albuquerque Albuquerque
Well, to cut a long story short, he got away with my snorkel But I made a solemn vow right then and there that I would not rest I would not sleep for an instant until the one-nostrilled man was brought to justice But first, I decided to buy some donuts
So I got in my car and I drove over to the donuts shop And I walked on up to the guy behind the counter And he says “Yeah, what do ya want?” I said “You got any glazed donuts?” He said “No, we’re outta glazed donuts” I said “Well, you got any jelly donuts?” He said “No, we’re outta jelly donuts” I said “You got any Bavarian cream-filled donuts?” He said “No, we’re outta Bavarian cream-filled donuts” I said “You got any cinnamon rolls?” He said “No, we’re outta cinnamon rolls” I said “You got any apple fritters?” He said “No, we’re outta apple fritters” I said “You got any bear claws?” He said “Wait a minute, I’ll go check”
“No, we’re outta bear claws” I said “Well, in that case, in that case, what do you have?” He says “All I got right now is this box of one dozen starving, crazed weasels” I said “OK, I’ll take that”
So he hands me the box and I open up the lid and the weasels jump out And they immediately latch onto my face and start bitin’ me all over Oh man, they were just going nuts They were tearin’ me apart You know, I think it was just about that time That a little ditty started goin’ through my head I believe it went a little something like this
Doh Get ’em off me Get ’em off me Oh No, get ’em off, get ’em off Oh, oh God, oh God Oh, get ’em off me Oh, oh God Ah, aah, aah
I ran out into the street with these flesh-eating weasels all over my face Wavin’ my arms all around and just runnin’, runnin’, runnin’ Like a constipated wiener dog And as luck would have it That’s exactly when I ran into the girl of my dreams Her name was Zelda She was a calligraphy enthusiast With a slight overbite and hair the color of strained peaches I’ll never forget the very first thing she said to me She said “Hey, you’ve got weasels on your face”
That’s when I knew it was true love We were inseparable after that Aw, we ate together, we bathed together We even shared the same piece of mint-flavored dental floss The world was our burrito So we got married and we bought us a house And had two beautiful children, Nathaniel and Superfly Oh, we were so very very very happy, aw yeah
But then one fateful night, Zelda said to me She said “Sweetie pumpkin? Do you wanna join the Columbia Record Club?” I said “Whoa, hold on now, baby” “I’m just not ready for that kind of a commitment” So we broke up and I never saw her again But that’s just the way things go
In Albuquerque Albuquerque
Anyway, things really started lookin’ up for me Because about a week later, I finally achieved my lifelong dream That’s right, I got me a part-time job at The Sizzler I even made employee of the month after I put out that grease fire with my face Aw yeah, everybody was pretty jealous of me after that I was gettin’ a lot of attitude
Ok, like one time, I was out in the parking lot Tryin’ to remove my excess earwax with a golf pencil When I see this guy Marty Tryin’ to carry a big ol’ sofa up the stairs all by himself So I, I say to him, I say “Hey, you want me to help you with that?” And Marty, he just rolls his eyes and goes “No, I want you to cut off my arms and legs with a chainsaw”
So I did
And then he gets all indignant on me He’s like “Hey man, I was just being sarcastic” Well, that’s just great How was I supposed to know that? I’m not a mind reader for cryin’ out loud Besides, now he’s got a really cute nickname, Torso-Boy So what’s he complaining about?
Say, that reminds me of another amusing anecdote This guy comes up to me on the street And he tells he hasn’t had a bite in three days Well, I knew what he meant But just to be funny, I took a big bite out of his jugular vein And he’s yellin’ and screamin’ and bleeding all over And I’m like “Hey, come on, don’t you get it?” But he just keeps rolling around on the sidewalk, bleeding, and screaming You know, completely missing the irony of the whole situation Man, some people just can’t take a joke, you know?
Anyway, um, um, where was I? Kinda lost my train of thought
Uh, well, uh, OK Anyway I, I know it’s kinda been a roundabout way of saying it But I guess the whole point I’m tryin’ to make here is
I hate sauerkraut
That’s all I’m really tryin’ to say And, by the way, if one day you happen to wake up And find yourself in an existential quandary Full of loathing and self-doubt And wracked with the pain and isolation of your pitiful meaningless existence At least you can take a small bit of comfort in knowing that Somewhere out there in this crazy ol’ mixed-up universe of ours There’s still a little place called
EYG- Embrace Your Geekness 