Written: Stan Worth and Sheldon Allman and Marc Shaiman
Album: Dare to Be Stupid
Released: 1985
Genre: TV Theme Songs
Weird Al rerecorded the theme for the 1967 cartoon George of the Jungle for his Dare to Be Stupid album. His version of the theme was included in the 1997 live-action movie of the same name. This will be one of the few songs in this top 100 that Weird Al did not write or at least contribute to himself.
Lyrics
George, George, George of the jungle Strong as he can be Ahhh Watch out for that tree
George, George, George of the jungle Lives a life that’s free Ahhh Watch out for that tree
When he gets in scrapes When he makes his escapes With the help of his friend An ape named Ape
Then away he’ll schlep On his elephant Shep While Fella and Ursula Stay in step with
George, George, George of the jungle Friend to you and me Ahhh Watch out for that tree Watch out for that (Ahhh) (Oooh) tree George, George, George of the Jungle Friend to you and me
Bohemian Polka is the only polka Al ever put together for an album that was just a cover of a single song, Bohemian Rhapsody by Queen. I can remember the shock when first playing the song and seeing how the polka would not feature a group of songs from a variety of artists.
Lyrics
Is this the real life Is this just fantasy Caught in a landslide No escape from reality Open your eyes Look up to the skies and see I’m just a poor boy, I need no sympathy ‘Cause I’m easy come, easy go Little high, little low Anyway the wind blows, doesn’t really matter to me To me
Mama, just killed a man Put a gun against his head Pulled my trigger, now he’s dead Mama, life had just begun But now I’ve gone and thrown it all away Mama, ooo Didn’t mean to make you cry If I’m not back again this time tomorrow Carry on, carry on, as if nothing really matters
Too late, my time has come Sends shivers down my spine Body’s aching all the time Goodbye everybody – I’ve got to go Gotta leave you all behind and face the truth Mama, ooo I don’t want to die I sometimes wish I’d never been born at all
I see a little silhouetto of a mam Scaramouch, scaramouch, will you do the Fandango Thunderbolt and lightning – very, very frightening me Galileo, Galileo Galileo, Galileo Galileo figaro – Magnifico… Hey! Hey! Hey! I’m just a poor boy, nobody loves me He’s just a poor boy from a poor family Spare him his life from this monstrosity Easy come, easy go, will you let me go? Bismillah! No, we will not let you go – let him go Bismillah! We will not let you go – let him go Bismillah! We will not let you go – let him go Will not let you go – let him go Will not let you go – let him go No, no, no, no, no no no no no!
Oh mama mia, mama mia, mama mia let me go Beelzebub has a devil put aside for me, for me For me
So you think you can stone me and spit in my eye So you think you can love me and leave me to die Oh, baby – Can’t do this to me, baby Just gotta get out – just gotta get right outta here
Nothing really matters Anyone can see Nothing really matters Nothing really matters to me Anyway the wind blows – Hey!
A good example of a song that I did not remember as a parody, since the original song was so easily forgotten.
Lyrics
Taco Grande Taco Grande
Yo quiero chimichangas y chile colorado Yo tengo el dinero para un steak picado Las flautas y tamales, siempre muy bueno Y el chile relleno
You see, I just gotta have a tostada, carne asada That’s right, I want the whole enchilada My only addiction has to do with a flour tortilla I need a quesadilla
I love to stuff my face with tacos al carbón With my friends, or when I’m all alone Yo tengo mucho hambre y ahora lo quiero Un burrito ranchero
So give me something spicy and hot, now Break out the menu, what you got, now? Oh, would you tell the waiter I’d like to have sour cream on the side You better make sure the beans are refried
Taco Grande Taco Grande
Well, there’s not a taco big enough for a man like me That’s why I order two or three Let me give you a tip, just try a nacho chip It’s really good with bean dip
I eat uno, dos, tres, cuatro burritos Pretty soon I can’t fit in my Speedos Well, I hope they feed us lots of chicken fajitas And a pitcher of margaritas
Well, the combination plates all come with beans and rice The taquitos here are very nice Now I’m down on my knees, we need some extra tomatoes and cheese And could you make that separate checks, please?
Taco Grande Taco Grande
“Buenos noches, señor. bienvenido a Enrico’s Casa de Salsa Tenemos muchos platos muy sabrosos Si puedo recomendar el ardiente pollo al infierno muy delicioso Sus ojos se quemarán, su estomago estará en fuego Se quedarán en el baño por una semana Entiendes lo que digo gringo estúpido tonto?”
Well, the food is coming, I can hardly wait Now watch your fingers, careful hot plate! What you think you’re doing with my chile con queso? Well, if you want some, just say so
Oh boy, pico de gallo They sure don’t make it like this in Ohio No gracias, yo quiero jalepeños, nada más You can toss away the hot sauce
¿Dónde están los nachos? Holy frijole! You better get me a bowl of guacamole ¿Y usted, Eugene? Why’s your face turning green? Don’t you like pinto bean?
You want some more cinnamon crispas? If you don’t, hasta la vista Just take the rest home in a doggie bag if you wanna You can finish it mañana
Well, it’s been a pleasure, I can’t eat no more Señor, la cuenta, por favor If you ain’t tried real Mexican cooking, well, you oughta Just don’t drink the water
Title: “Theme from Rocky XIII (The Rye or the Kaiser)”
Album: Weird Al Yankovic In 3D
Release: 1982
Written: Jim Peterik/Frankie Sullivan/Al Yankovic
Parody: “The Eye of the Tiger” by Survivor
Style: Rock/Movie Songs
One of the more unknown Al parodies from his second major album. This is one of the early songs to show how clever Al could be with his lyrics and yet one more song that he wrote involving food.
Lyrics
Fat and weak, what a disgrace Guess the champ got too lazy Ain’t gonna fly now, he’s just takin’ up space Sold his gloves, threw his eggs down the drain
But he’s no bum, he works down the street He bought the neighborhood deli Back on his feet, now he’s choppin’ up meat Come inside, maybe you’ll hear him say
Try the rye or the kaiser They’re on special tonight If you want, you can have an appetizer You might like our salami, and the liver’s all right And they’d really go well with the rye Or the kaiser
Never eats while on the job He heard it’s good to stay hungry But he makes a pretty mean shish kabob Have a taste, they were made fresh today
Try the rye or the kaiser or the wheat or the white Maybe I can suggest an appetizer Stay away from the tuna, it smells funny tonight But you just can’t go wrong with the rye Or the kaiser
So today, his deli comes first Still he dreams of his past days of glory Goes in the back and beats up on the liverwurst All the while you can still hear him say
It’s the rye or the kaiser, it’s the thrill of one bite Let me please be your catering advisor If you want substitutions, I won’t put up a fight You can have your roast beef on the rye Or the kaiser
Parody: “You Got It (The Right Stuff)” by New Kids on the Block.
Written: Maurice Starr/Al Yankovic
Style: Pop/Boy Band
There have been plenty of original songs that Weird Al parodied that I have either did not like or did not know. You Got It (The Right Stuff) is a perfect example of a song that I disliked that Weird Al made better with his parody.
And what can be a better topic for a song than the white stuff in an Oreo cookie?
Lyrics
The white stuff The white stuff
The first one was a sweet one Second one was a blast Soon I finished off the bag, ate ’em up real fast You can see ’em in my teeth Tell it when I talk Had so many my pancreas just went into shock
I love the white stuff, baby In the middle of an Oreo I love the white stuff, baby It’s the most delicious thing I know
I’ve had a zillion or two In my life, they’re so right My teeth are all rotted clear through But who cares? What else am I supposed to do?
Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh Oreo Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, the white stuff Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh Oreo What’s in the middle? The white stuff
The first time that I tried it Got a big sugar buzz Nothing gets me high as that sandwhich cookie does But I love the filling most I rub it on my roast Mix it in with my coffee and spread it on my toast
I love the white stuff, baby In the middle of an Oreo I love the white stuff, baby Take some with me everywhere I go
Might get a pimple or two Well, so what? It’s all right Now Twinkies and Ding Dongs won’t do All I need… You know what it is
Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh Oreo Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, the white stuff Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, Oreo Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, the white stuff Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh Oreo What’s in the middle? The white stuff
Written: Mark Knopfler/Paul Henning/Al Yankovic/Gordon Matthew Sumner
Album: UHF
Released: 1989
Parody: Money for Nothing by Dire Straits
Style: hard rock/synch
Fact: Dire Straits members Mark Knopfler (guitar) and Guy Fletcher (synthesizer) played on the track.
Coming from the UHF Soundtrack, this song was another time when Al Yankovic parodied a TV with the song that he was writing. Mark Knopfler said that Al could do the parody if he could play on the track.
Lyrics
Beverly
Beverly Hillbillies
Huh, now lookie here, people Listen to my story A little story ’bout a man named Jed You know something, that poor mountaineer They say he barely kept his family fed
Now, let me tell you, one day he was shootin’ Old Jed was shootin’ at some food When all of a sudden right up from the ground, there Well, there came a bubblin’ crude
Oil that is, well, maybe you call it Black gold or Texas tea He gonna move next to Mr. Drysdale And be a Beverly Hillbilly
Before you know it, all the kinfolk are a-sayin’ Yeah, buddy, move away from there That little Clampett got his own cement pond That little Clampett, he’s a millionaire
Now, everyone said Californie Is the place that you oughta be We got to load up this here truck now We got to move to Beverly Hills, that is
Swimming pools Move-a-move-a-movie stars Huh Look at that, look at that
Parody: The idea was a style parody of “Stars on 45” from 1918.
Songs in polka: “Jocko Homo,” “Smoke on the Water,” “Sex (I’m A…),” “Hey Jude,” “L.A. Woman,” “In-A-Gadda-Da-Vida,” “Hey Joe,” “Burning Down the House,” “Hot Blooded,” “Bubbles in the Wine,” “Every Breath You Take,” “Should I Stay or Should I Go,” “Jumpin’ Jack Flash,” “My Generation.”
Polka on 45 was the first polka medley on a long list of polkas done by Weird Al. This is the second polka to appear in the Top 100, following #99 The Hot Rocks Polka. The polka medleys are some of my favorite things done by Al and they only continued to get better.
Lyrics
They tell us that we lost our tails Evolving up from little snails I say it’s all just wind and sails Are we not men? We are Devo Are we not men? D-E-V-O
Smoke on the water And fire in the sky Smoke on the water
I’m a boy (I’m a man) well, I’m your mother (I’m a man) I’m a one-night stand (I’m a man) am I bi? (I’m a man) I’m your slave (I’m a man) I’m a little girl when we make love together
Hey, hey, hey! Jude, don’t make it bad Take a sad song and make it better Remember to let her into your heart Then you can start to make it Better, better, better, better, better, better, yeah
L.A. woman You’re my woman Got my mojo risin’ Mr. Mojo Risin’ Hey!
In-a-gadda-da-vida, honey Don’t you know that I love you? In-a-gadda-da-vida, baby Don’t you know that I’ll always be true?
Hey, Joe, where you goin’ with that gun in your hand? Hey, Joe, where you goin’ with that gun in your hand? Gonna shoot my old lady Caught her messin’ ’round with another man
Yodel-ay-ee, yodel-ay-he-hoo, yodel-ay-ee, yodel-ay-he-hoo Yodel-ay-ee, yodel-ay-he-hoo, yodel-ay he-hoo Yodel-ay-ee, yodel-ay-he-hoo, yodel-ay-ee, yodel-ay-he-hoo I’m an ordinary guy burnin’ down the house
I’m hot-blooded, check it and see Got a fever of a 103 Come on, baby, do you do more than dance? I’m hot-blooded, hot-blooded
Every breath you take Every move you make Every bond you break, every step you take I’ll be watchin’ you
Darling, you gotta let me know Should I stay or should I go? If you say that you are mine I’ll be here ’til the end of time But you gotta let me know, whoa, whoa, whoa Should I stay or should I go?
But it’s all right now, in fact, it’s a gas But it’s all right, Jumpin’ Jack Flash, it’s a gas, gas, gas
People try to put us down (talkin’ ’bout my generation) Just because we get around (talkin’ ’bout my generation) Things they do look awful c-c-cold (talkin’ ’bout my generation) Hope I die before I get old (talkin’ ’bout my generation) This is my generation (talkin’ ’bout my generation) This is my generation, baby (talkin’ ’bout my generation) (Talkin’ ’bout my generation) My, my, my, my, my, my generation (my generation) Well, I’m talkin’ ’bout my g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-generation Hey!
One time I was in the checkout line Behind Steven Seagal Once I’m pretty sure Mr. Jonah Hill Was in the very next bathroom stall My best friend’s brother Well, he was an extra in Wayne’s World 2 My neighbour’s baby sitter Dated three of the guys in Motley Crue I swear Jack Nicholson Looked right at me at a Laker’s game
I got a lame Lame claim to fame
Check it out, I bought a second hand toaster From a guy who says he knows Brad Pitt I got me an email from the prince of Nigeria Well, he sure sounded legit My sister used to take piano lessons From the second cousin of Ralph Nader Last year I threw up in an elevator Next to Christian Slater Well guess what, my birthday and Kim Kardashian’s Are exactly the same
I got a lame Lame claim to fame A really lame Lame claim to fame
Once at a party, my dentist accidentally Sneezed on Russell Crowe I posted first in the comments On a YouTube video I tried to sit by Steve Buscemi But he told me this seat’s taken I know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy Who know a guy who knows a guy who know Kevin Bacon
I had a car that used to belong To Cuba Gooding Jr.’s uncle A friend of mine in high school Had jury duty with Art Garfunkel One time I was staying in the same hotel As Zooey Deschanel I used the same napkin dispenser As Steve Carell at a Taco Bell Well I don’t mean to brag but Paul Giamatti’s plumber knows me by name
I got a lame Lame claim to fame A really lame Lame claim to fame I’m talking lame Lame claim to fame A really really really lame Lame claim to fame
Fact: Background vocals were provided by Lisa Popeil, the daughter of Sam Popeil, who this song was about.
Lyrics
I need a vegematic! I need a pocket fisherman! I need a handy appliance That’ll scramble an egg while it’s still inside its shell! (Operators are standing by. How does that make you feel?) Help me. Mr. Popeil!
I wanna shine some pennies! I wanna mend some leather! I wanna Krazy-glue my head to the bottom of a big steel girder! (Please, no c.o.d.’s. Don’t miss out on this deal.) Ah, help me. Mr. Popeil!
Help me. Mr. Popeil! Mr. Popeil! Mr. Popeil!
It slices. it dices. Look at that tomato! You could even cut a tin can with it, But you wouldn’t want to!
Mr. Popeil, I’m in trouble. Need your assistance on the double. Oh no! now how am I gonna make My old vinyl car top look like new? Mr. Popeil! Tell me, what am I s’posed to do?
Mr. Popeil! Mr. Popeil!
But wait, there’s more! It’s not sold in any store! (Now how much would you pay?) Don’t answer yet, Just look what else you get! (Now how much would you pay?) If you order today, You get a ginsu knife and a smokeless ashtray! (Now how much would you pay?) Now how much would you pay? Mr. Popeil, Mr. Popeil. Mr. Popeil, Mr. Popeil. Mr. Popeil, Mr. Popeil. Mr. Popeil, Mr. Popeil.
Make me buy a garden weasel! Make me buy a bamboo steamer! Make me take advantage Of this amazing tv offer! (Call our toll-free number, We’ll make you such a deal.) Aw, help me! Mr. Popeil. I want it! (Mr. Popeil.) well, I need it! (Mr. Popeil.) I got to got to got to have it! Mr. Popeil! Mr. Popeil! Hey!
Style Parody: Soft rock break-up songs -inspired by Nicolette Larson’s “Still You Linger On”
Fact: The music video to the song is a parody of “More Than Words” by Extreme.
Lyrics
We’ve been together for so very long But now things are changing, oh I wonder what’s wrong? Seems you don’t want me around The passion is gone and the flame’s died down
I guess I lost a little bit of self-esteem That time that you made it with the whole hockey team You used to think I was nice Now you tell all your friends that I’m the Antichrist
Oh, why did you disconnect the brakes on my car? That kind of thing is hard to ignore Got a funny feeling you don’t love me anymore
I knew that we were having problems when You put those piranhas in my bathtub again You’re still the light of my life Oh darling, I’m beggin’, won’t you put down that knife?
You know, I even think it’s kinda cute the way You poison my coffee just a little each day I still remember the way that you laughed When you pushed me down the elevator shaft
Oh, if you don’t mind me asking, what’s this poisonous cobra Doing in my underwear drawer? Sometime I get to thinking you don’t love me any more
You slammed my face down on the barbecue grill Now my scars are all healing, but my heart never will You set my house on fire You pulled out my chest hairs with an old pair of pliers
Oh, you think I’m ugly and you say I’m cheap You shaved off my eyebrows while I was asleep You drilled a hole in my head Then you dumped me in a drainage ditch and left me for dead
Oh, you know this really isn’t like you at all You never acted this way before Honey, something tells me you don’t love me any more, oh no no Got a funny feeling you don’t love me anymore
This is a song that is famously about music that bugs some people. There are mentions of Donny and Marie, Barry Manilow, The Bee Gees etc. But above them all was the Achy Breaky Heart by Billy Ray Cyrus which inspired the whole song.
Lyrics
You can torture me With Donnie & Marie You can play some Barry Manilow Or you can play some schlock Like New Kids On The Block Or any Village People song you know Or play Vanilla Ice Hey, you can play him twice And you can play the Bee Gees any day But Mr. DJ, please I’m beggin’ on my knees I just can’t take no more of Billy Ray
Don’t play that song That “Achy Breaky” song The most annoying song I know And if you play that song That “Achy Breaky” song I might blow up my radio, ooo…
You can clear the room By playind Debbie Boon Or crank your Abba records until dawn Oh, I can even hear Slim Whitman or Zamfir Don’t mind a Yoko Ono marathon Or play some Tiffany On 8-track or CD Or scrape your fingernails across the board Or tie me to a chair And kick me down the stairs Just please don’t play that stupid song no more
Don’t play that song That “Achy Breaky” song You know I hate that song a bunch And if you play that song That nauseating song It might just make me lose my lunch, oh-
Don’t play that song That “Achy Breaky” song I think it’s driving me insane Oh, please don’t play that song That irritating song I’d rather have a pitchfork in my brain
Don’t play that song That “Achy Breaky” song The most annoying song I know And if you play that song That “Achy Breaky” song I might blow up my radio, ooo-woo
Written: Young MC/Matt Dike/Michael Ross/Al Yankovic
Album: UHF
Released: 1989
Genre: rap/comedy
Parody: “Wild Thing” by Tone Loc (Weird Al’s first parody of a rap song)
Weird Al has an affinity for classic TV shows, as he has done songs about the Beverly Hillbillies and The Brady Bunch among others. This song is a spoof on the TV show Gilligan’s Island.
Lyrics
Met this fine young thing At the local Circle K She made a date for a half past eight And I said, “What the hey?”
So I journeyed to her crib And I let myself inside That chick was slouched down on the couch I think her brain was fried
Couldn’t figure it out She wouldn’t even look at me Then I saw her eyes, she was hypnotized Cold glued to her TV
“Hey, what’s your problem baby doll Let’s have a little fling” She said, “Hey you fool, now just be cool I’m watchin’ that Gilligan’s Isle thing”
Isle thing Isle thing
Watchin’ all night Musta been a marathon I was bummin’, those shows kept comin’ Here’s what was goin’ on
These Castaways were stranded On this island out at the sea One of them called Gilligan So let’s name him after me
He’d mess up every rescue Man, that first mate was illin’ If I was one of those Castaways I think I’d probably kill him
Just about that time Telephone began to ring She said, “Just let it, my machine’ll get We’re watchin’ the Gilligan’s Isle thing
Isle thing She loves that Gilligan’s Isle thing Isle thing Please, baby, baby, please
I like the professor He always saves their butts He could build a nuclear reactor From a clouple’ of coconuts
She said, “That guy’s a genius” I shook my head and laughed I said, “If he’s so fly, they tell me why He couldn’t build a lousy raft”
And while we’re on the subject I’ll tell you one thing for sure Those homeboys brought an awful lot For just a three hour tour
Then her mom came in the room It was kind of embarrasing She said, “Hey you two, I was once like you And I loved that Gilligan’s Isle thing”
Written: R Kelly/Jimmy Page/Robert Plant/John Paul Jones/Al Yankovic
Album: Straight Outta Lynwood
Released: 2006
Style: parody of “Trapped in the Closet” by R Kelly
Weird Al has had several long form songs at the end of some of his albums including Genius in France and Albuquerque, and Trapped in the Drive Thru is one of these. It is a parody, unlike the other long songs. This, to date, is the longest parody Al has ever recorded.
It might be higher on a lot of lists because of how relatable the situation is. Practically everybody has gone through this sort of moment, trying to decide on dinner.
Lyrics
Seven o’clock in the evening Watchin something stupid on TV I’m zoned out on the sofa When my wife comes in the room and sees me And she says, “Is this Behind the Music with Lynyrd Skynyrd?” And I say, “I don’t know…” Say, “It’s gettin’ late, what you wanna do for dinner?” She says, “I kinda had a big lunch so I’m not super hungry.” I said, “Well, you know, baby, I’m not starvin’ either but I could eat…” She said, “So what do you have in mind?” I said, “I don’t know, what about you?” She said, “I don’t care… if you’re hungry, let’s eat.” I said, “That’s what we’re gonna do! But first you gotta tell me what it is you’re hungry for?” And she says, “Let me think, what’s left in our refrigerator?” I said, “Well, there’s tuna, I know.” She said, “That went bad a week ago!” I said, “Is the chili okay?” She said, “You finished that yesterday!” I hopped up and I said “I don’t know. Do you want to get something delivered?” She’s like, “Why would I want to eat liver? I don’t even like liver!” I’m like, “No, I said ‘delivered’.” She’s like, “I heard you say ‘liver’!” I’m like, “I should know what I said…” She’s like, “Whatever! I just don’t want any liver!”
Well, I was gonna say something But my cell phone started to ring Now who could be callin’ me? Well, I checked my caller ID It was just cousin Larry Callin’ for the third time today My wife said, “Let it go to voicemail.” I said, “Okay.” “Where were we? Oh, dinner, right! So what do you want to do?” She said, “Why don’t you whip up somethin’ in the kitchen?” “Yeah, ” I said, “why don’t you?” And then she said, “Baby, can’t we just go out to dinner, please?” I says, “No” She says, “Yes” I says, “No” She says, “Yes” I says, “No” She says, “Yes… Oh, here’s your keys” I step a little bit closer Say, “Okay, where ya want to go?” She says, “How about The Ivy?” I said, “Yeah, well, I don’t know I don’t feel like gettin’ all dressed up And eatin’ expensive food” She’s says, “Olive Garden?” I say, “Nah, I’m not in the mood And Burrito King would make me gassy There’s no doubt” She says, “Just forget about it” I said, “No, I swear I’m gonna take you out!” Then I get an idea I say, “I know what we’ll do!” She says, “What?” I say, “Guess!” She says “What?” I say, “We’re goin’ to the drive-thru!”
So we head out the front door Open the garage door Then I open the car doors And we get in those car doors Put my key in the ignition And then I turn it sideways Then we fasten our seat belts As we pull out the driveway Then we drive to the drive-thru Heading off to the drive-thru We’re approaching the drive-thru Getting close to the drive-thru Almost there at the drive-thru Now we’re here at the drive-thru Here in line at the drive-thru Did I mention the drive-thru?
Well, here we are In the drive-thru line, me and her Cars in front of us, cars in back of us All just waiting to order There’s some idiot in a Volvo With his brights on behind me I lean out the window and scream “Hey, what you trying to do, blind me?” My wife says, “Maybe we should park, we could just go eat inside.” I said, “I’m wearin’ bunny slippers So I ain’t leavin’ this ride…” Now a woman on a speaker box Is sayin’, “Can I take your order, please?” I said, “Yes indeed, you certainly can We’d like two hamburgers with onions and cheese.” Then my wife says “Baby, hold on, I’ve changed my mind! I think I’m gonna have a chicken sandwich instead this time” I said, “You always get a cheeseburger!” She says, “That’s not what I’m hungry for.” I put my head in my hands and scream “I don’t know who you are anymore!” The voice on the speaker says “I don’t have all day.” I said, “Then take our order and we’ll be on our way! I wanna get a chicken sandwich and I want a cheeseburger too” She’s like, “You want onions on that?” I’m like, “Yeah, I already said that I do Plus we need curly fries And don’t you dare forget it! And two medium root beers No, just one, we’ll split it.” Then I said “I’m guessin’ that you’re probably not too bright So read me back my order Let’s make sure you got it right.” She says “One – you want a chicken sandwich Two – you want a cheeseburger Three – curly fries, and a large root beer” “Stop! Don’t go no further! I never ordered a large root beer I said medium, not large!” Then she says, “We’re havin’ a special I supersized you at no charge.” “Oh.” And that’s all I could say, was “Oh.” And she says, “Now there is somethin’ else That I really think you should know You can have unlimited refills For just a quarter more.” I say “Great, except we’re in the drive-thru, so what would I want that for?” Then she says, “Wait a minute Your voice sounds so familiar… hey, is this Paul? And my wife is all like “No, that ain’t Paul Now tell me, who’s this Paul?” She says, “Oh, he’s just some guy Who goes to school with me I sat behind him last year And I copied off of him in Geometry.” I said, “I know a guy named Paul He used to be my plumber He was prematurely bald And he moved to Pittsburgh last summer He also had bladder problems And a really bad infection on his toe.” And she says, “Mister, please, you can stop right there That’s way more than I needed to know!” And then we both were quiet And things got real intense Then she says, “Next window, please That’ll be five dollars and eighty two cents!” So we inched ahead in line Movin’ painfully slow I got a little bored So I turned on the radio
Click, turned it off Because my wife was getting a headache So we both just sat there quietly for her sake Then I looked at her And she looked back at me And I said, “Um, I think you have somethin’ in your teeth.” She turned away from me And then turned back and said, “Did I get it?” I said, “Yeah, well, I mean, most of it But hey, ya know, don’t sweat it.” Then she said, “How about now?” I said, “Yeah, almost There’s still a little bit there, but don’t worry It’s probably just a piece of toast.” Now we’re at the pay window Or whatever you call it Put my hand in my pocket I can’t believe there’s no wallet!
And the lady at the window’s like “Well, well, well, that’ll be five eighty-two.” I turn around to my wife, and say “How much have you got on you?” She just rolls her eyes and says “I’ll pay for this, I guess” So she reaches into her purse And busts out the American Express I hand it to the lady And she says “Oh dear, It’s gotta be cash only We don’t take credit cards here.” I took back the card and said “Gee, really? Well, that sucks.” And that’s when I found out My wife was only carryin’ three bucks I said, “I thought you were gonna hit the ATM today” She says, “I never got around to it, so where’s your wallet anyway?” And I said, “Never mind, just help me to find some change…” Now the lady at the window Is lookin’ at me kind of strange And she says, “Mister, please, we gotta move this line along” I said, “Now, hold your stinkin’ horses, lady! We won’t be long.” So I looked around inside the glove-box And checked the mat beneath my feet I found a nickel in an ashtray And a couple pennies and a dime in the space between the seats Before long I had a little pile of coins of every sort The lady counts it up and says “You’re still about a dollar short” And now my woman’s got this weird look Frozen on her face She screams, “You know, I wasn’t even really hungry in the first place!” And so I turned around To the cashier again I shrugged and said: “Okay, forget the chicken sandwich then” So I pick up my change Pick up my receipt And I drive to the pickup window Man, I just can’t wait to eat And now we see this acne-ridden kid about sixteen Wearin’ a dorky nametag that says “Hello, my name is Eugene.” And he hands me a paper bag I look him in the eyes And I say to him, “Hey, Eugene, could I get some ketchup for my fries?” Well, he looks at me And I look at him And he looks at me And I look at him And he looks it me And I look at him And he says, “I’m sorry! What did you want again?” I say “Ketchup!” And he says, “Oh yeah, that’s right I just spaced out there for a second I’m really kind of burnt tonight.” And then he hands me the ketchup And now we’re finally drivin’ away And the food is drivin’ me mad With its intoxicating bouquet I’m starvin’ to death By the time we pull up at the traffic light I say, “Baby, gimme that burger I just gotta have a bite!” So she reaches in the bag And pulls out the burger And she hands me the burger And I pick up the burger And then I unwrap the paper I bite into those buns And I just can’t believe it They forgot the onion!
Style: Blues; typical 12-bar, slow-tempo structure, and harmonica solos.
Another one of those original songs that sneaks under the radar. I do love this song. It is such a funny song with a parody of the style of Blues.
Lyrics
I woke up this morning Then I went back to bed Said I woke up this morning Then I went right back to bed Got a funny kind of feelin’ like I got broken glass in my underwear And a herd of wild pigs is trying to chew off my head You know what I’m sayin’
Well I ain’t got not money I’m just walkin’ down the road Said I ain’t got no money, honey So I’m just walking down this lonely old road Well, I wish I could get me some money But I forgot my automated teller code
I was born in a paper sack in the bottom of a sewer I had to eat dirt clods for breakfast, my family was so poor My daddy was a waitress, my mama sold bathroom tiles My brothers and sisters all hated me ’cause I was an only child
I got the blues so bad, woo Kinda wish I was dead Maybe I’ll blow my brains out mama Or maybe I’ll, yeah maybe I’ll just go bowlin’ instead
I’m just a no good, scum sucking, nose picking, boot licking, Sniveling, groveling, worthless hunk of slime
Nothing but a low-down beer bellied, bone headed, pigeon toed, Turkey necked, weasel faced, worthless hunk of slime
Guess I pretty low self image Maybe it’s a chemical imbalance or something, I I should probably go and see a doctor about it when I’ve got the time Make it talk Aw, make it talk, son, make it talk OK, now make it shut up
Plagues and famine and pestilence always seem to get me down I always feel so miserable whenever I’m around I wish somebody would come along, stick a pitchfork through my brain I’d flush myself right down the toilet, but I’d just clog up the drain
I got the blues so bad Kinda wish I was dead Maybe I’ll blow my brains out mama Or maybe I’ll go bowling Or I just might go bowling Maybe I’ll just rent some shoes and go bowling Maybe I’ll join a league, enter a tournament, put on a stupid looking Shirt and go bowling instead Yeah
This is one of those secretively funny original songs at the end of the album that don’t get as much attention as some of the bigger parodies or style pastiches. Yet, it is really funny, setting up the image of a big, old truck driver in his dresses and with his makeup.
Lyrics
Lyrics
I’m drivin’ a truck Drivin’ a big ol’ truck Pedal to the metal, hope I don’t run out of luck Rollin’ down the highway until the break of dawn Drivin’ a truck with my high heels on
My diesel rig is northward bound It’s time to put that hammer down Just watchin’ as the miles go flyin’ by I’m ridin’ twenty tons of steel But it’s sure hard to hold the wheel While I’m still waiting for my nails to dry
Oh, I always gotta check my lipstick in that rear view mirror And my pink angora sweater fits so tight I’m jammin’ gears and haulin’ freight Well, I sure hope my seams are straight Lord, don’t let my mascara run tonight
Because I’m drivin’ a truck Drivin’ a big ol’ truck Smokey’s on my tail and my accelerator’s stuck Got these eighteen wheels a-rollin until the break of dawn Drivin’ a truck with my high heels on
Oh, I don’t mind when my crotchless panties creep right up on me And my nipple rings don’t bother me too much But when I hit those big speed bumps My darling little rhinestone pumps Keep slippin’ off the mother-lovin’ clutch
But still I’m drivin’ a truck Drivin’ a big ol’ truck Headin’ down the interstate, just tryin’ to make buck Wearin’ feather boas with sequins and chiffon While I’m drivin’ a truck with my high heels on
I’m drivin’ a truck Drivin’ a truck Got a load to carry and some eyebrows left to pluck And I’m late for my appointment down at the hair salon So I’ll be drivin’ a truck with my high heels on