Daily Countdown: Weird Al Songs #32

#32

UHF

Title: “UHF”

Album: UHF

Released: 1989

Written: Al Yankovic

Genre: Rock

Style Parody: The Jackson’s “State of Shock” (featuring Mick Jagger)

Title track to Weird Al’s first motion picture, UHF, which flopped at the box office, but reached cult classic level over the years since.

Lyrics

Put down your remote control, throw out your TV Guide
Put away your jacket, there’s no need to go outside
Don’t you know that we control the horizontal
We control the vertical too
We gonna make a couch potato out of you
That’s what we going to do now

Don’t change the channel, don’t touch that dial
We got it all on UHF
Kick off your sneakers, stick around for a while
We got it all on UHF (on UHF)
Don’t worry ’bout your laundry, forget about your job (ah)
Just crank up the volume and yank off the knob (ah)
We got it all (we got it all), we got it all on UHF

Disconnect the phone and leave the dishes in the sink
You better put away your homework, prime time ain’t no time to think
All you do is make yourself a TV dinner
Press your face right up against the screen

We gonna show you things you ain’t ever seen
If you know what I mean, now

Don’t change the channel, don’t touch that dial
We got it all on UHF
Kick off your sneakers, stick around for a while
We got it all on UHF (on UHF)
Don’t worry ’bout your laundry, forget about your job (ah)
Just crank up the volume and yank off the knob (ah)
We got it all (we got it all), we got it all on UHF

You can watch us all day, you can watch us all night (ooh)
You can watch us any time that you please (ooh)
You can sit around and stare at the picture tube
‘Til your brain turns into cottage cheese, well, now

Don’t change the channel, don’t touch that dial
We got it all on UHF
Kick off your sneakers, stick around for a while
We got it all on UHF (on UHF)
Don’t worry ’bout your laundry, forget about your job (ah)
You gotta crank up the volume and yank off the knob (ah)
We got it all (we got it all), we got it all on UHF

We got it all on UHF (UHF)
We got it all on UHF (UHF)
We got it all on UHF (UHF)
We got it all on UHF (UHF)

We got it all on UHF (we got it all)
We got it all on UHF (UHF)
We got it all on UHF (we got it all)
We got it all on UHF (we got it all, we got it)

We got it all on UHF (we got it, we got it all)
We got it all on UHF (we got it all)
We got it all on UHF (ooh, on UHF)
We got it all on UHF

Source: Musixmatch

Daily Countdown Weird Al Songs #33

#33

I Love Rocky Road

Title: “I Love Rocky Road”

Album: “Weird Al” Yankovic

Release: 1983

Parody: I Love Rock ‘n’ Roll by Joan Jett and the Blackhearts

Written: Jake Hooker / Alan Merrill / Alfred Yankovic

Genre: Rock ‘n’ Roll/Comedy

Topic: The love of ice cream, especially Rocky Road.

Special Appearance: “Musical” Mike Kieffer

Lyrics

I hear those ice cream bells and I start to drool
Keep a couple quarts in my locker at school
Yeah, but chocolate’s gettin’ old
Vanilla just leaves me cold

There’s just one flavor good enough for me, yeah me
Don’t gimme no crummy taste spoon
I know what I need

Baby, I love rocky road
So, weren’t you gonna buy half a gallon, baby?
I love rocky road
So, have another triple scoop with me, ow

They tell me ice cream junkies are all the same
All the soda jerkers know my name
When their supply is gone then I’ll be movin’ on
But I’ll be back on Monday afternoon, you’ll see
Another truck load’s comin’ in for me, all for me
I’m singin’

I love rocky road
So, weren’t you gonna buy half a gallon, baby?
I love rocky road
So, have another triple scoop with me, ow

Oh, make it talk

When I’m all alone, I just grab myself a cone
And if I get fat and lose my teeth that’s fine with me
Just lock me in the freezer and throw away the key
Singing

I love rocky road
So, weren’t you gonna buy half a gallon, baby?
I love rocky road
So, have another triple scoop with me

I love rocky road
So, weren’t you gonna buy half a gallon, baby?
I love rocky road
So, have another triple scoop with

I love rocky road
So, weren’t you gonna buy half a gallon, baby?
I love rocky road
So, have another triple scoop with

I love rocky road
So, weren’t you gonna buy half a gallon, baby?
I love rocky road
So, have another triple scoop with me

Source: Musixmatch

Daily Countdown: Weird Al Songs #34

#34

Polka Face

Title: “Polka Face”

Album: Alpocalypse

Released: 2010

Genre: Polka/Comedy

Written:  Adam Young / Alecia Beth Moore / Allan Peter Grigg / Benjamin Levin / Brandon Roy Melancon / Breyon Prescott / Cathy Dennis / Charles Burgess Kelley / Christopher A Stewart / Christopher Brian Bridges / Christopher M Henderson / Cristina Flores / David Wesley Haywood / Dwayne Carter / Edmund Koestscher / Faheem Najm / Fraser Lance Thorneycroft Smith / Gaetano Lama / Hillary Dawn Scott / Jacob Milan Taio Cruz / James Thomas Brown / Jamie Foxx / Jared Lincoln Cotter / Jason Joel Desrouleaux / Jay Sean / Jeremy David Skaller / Johan/Al Yankovic

Songs included: “Liechtensteiner Polka,” “Poker Face,” “Womanizer,” “Right Round,” “Day ‘n’ Nite,” “Need You Now,” “Baby,” “So What,” “I Kissed a Girl,” “Fireflies,” “Blame It,” “Replay,” “Down,” “Break Your Heart,” “Tick Tock Polka,” and “TikTok.”

Lyrics

Mum mum mum mah
Mum mum mum muh
Oh whoa oh oh oh

Can’t read my, can’t read my
No, he can’t read-a my polka face
(She’s got to love nobody)
Can’t read my, can’t read my
No he can’t read-a my polka face
(She’s got to love nobody)
P-p-p-polka face p-p-polka face (Mum mum mum muh)
P-p-p-polka face p-p-polka face, hey

Womanizer, woman-womanizer, you’re a womanizer
Oh, womanizer, oh, you’re a womanizer baby
You, you, you are
You, you, you are
Womanizer, womanizer, womanizer
(Womanizer)

Boy don’t try to front
I, I know just what you are (are are)
Boy don’t try to front
I, I know just what you are (are are)

You say I’m crazy
I got your crazy
You’re nothing but a
Womanizer

You spin my head right round, right round
When you go down, when you go down down
You spin my head right round, right round
When you go down, when you go down

Day and night
The lonely stoner seems to free his mind at night
He’s all alone through the day and night
The lonely loner seems to free his mind at night
At, at, at night

It’s a quarter after one, I’m a little drunk and I need you now
Said I wouldn’t call but I’ve lost all control and I need you now
And I don’t know how I can do without
I just need you now

And I was like baby baby baby
Baby baby baby
Baby baby baby
I thought you’d always be mine

So, so what, I’m still a rock star
I got my rock moves and I don’t need you
And guess what, I’m havin’ more fun
And now that we’re done, I’m gonna show you tonight
I’m alright, I’m just fine and you’re a tool
So, so what, I am a rock star
I got my rock moves and I don’t want you tonight

I kissed a girl and I liked it,
The taste of her cherry chapstick
I kissed a girl just to try it,
I hope my boyfriend don’t mind it
It felt so wrong, it felt so right,
Don’t mean I’m in love tonight
I kissed a girl and I liked it, I liked it

And I’d like to make myself believe
That planet earth turns slowly
It’s hard to say that I’d rather stay
Awake when I’m asleep
‘Cause everything is never as it seems

Blame it on the goose, gotcha feeling loose
Blame it on the ‘tron, gotchya me in the zone
Blame it on the a-a-a-a-a-alcohol
Blame it on the a-a-a-a-a-alcohol
Blame it on the vodka, blame it on the Henny
Blame it on the blue tap, got you feeling dizzy
Blame it on the a-a-a-a-a-alcohol
Blame it on the a-a-a-a-a-alcohol

Shawty’s like a melody in my head
That I can’t keep out
Got me singin’ like
Na na na na everyday
It’s like my iPod stuck on replay
Stuck on replay
Stuck on replay
Replay
Replay-ay-ay-ay

Baby, are you down, down, down, down, down?
Baby are you down?

I’m only gonna break break your break break your heart
I’m only gonna break break your break break your heart
I’m only gonna break break your break break your heart
I’m only gonna break your heart

Don’t stop, making pop
DJ blow my speakers up
Tonight, I’mma fight
Till we see the sun light
Tick tock, on the clock
But the polka don’t stop (no)
Yodel-yodel-lady-hoo
Yodel-yodel-lady-hoo

P-p-p-polka face p-p-polka face (mum mum mum mah)
P-p-p-polka face p-p-polka face
Oh no you can’t read my p-p-polka face
Talk about my polka face
P-p-p-polka face

Source: LyricFind

Daily Countdown: Weird Al Songs #35

#35

Party in the CIA

Title: “Party in the CIA”

Album: Alpocalypse

Released: 2011

Parody: “Party in the USA” by Miley Cyrus

Written: Lukasz Gottwald / Claude Kelly / Jessica Cornish/Al Yankovic

Genre: Pop/Comedy

Topic: The dark, cloak-and-dagger operations of the Central Intelligence Agency

The dark comedic song is in direct opposition to the happy, upbeat music. This is a ton of fun and the animated video that was released with the song was hilarious.

Lyrics

I moved out to Langley recently
With a plain and simple dream
Wanna infiltrate some third-world place
And topple their regime

Those men in black with their matching suitcases
Where everything’s on a need-to-know basis
Agents got that swagger
And everyone so cloak and dagger

I’m feeling nervous but I’m really kinda wishing
For another undercover mission
That’s when the red alert came on the radio
And I put my earpiece on
Got my dark sunglasses on
And I had my weapon drawn

So I get my handcuffs, my cyanide pills
My classified dossier
Tapping the phones like, yeah
Shredding the files like, yeah

I memorized all the enemy spies
I’ve got to neutralize today
Yeah, it’s a party in the CIA
Yeah, it’s a party in the CIA

I’ve done a couple of crazy things
That have almost gotten me dismissed
Like terminate some head of state
Who wasn’t even on my list

Burn that microfilm, buddy, will you?
I’d tell you why but then I’d have to kill you
You need a quickie confession?
Well, start a water boarding session

No hurry on this South American dictator
I’ll assassinate him later
That’s when he walked right in my laser sights
And my silencer was on
And my silencer was on
And another target’s gone

Yeah, we’ve got black ops all over the world
From Kazakhstan to Bombay
Paying the bribes like, yeah
Plugging the leaks like, yeah

Interrogating the scum of the earth
We’ll break them by the break of day
Yeah, it’s a party in the CIA
Yeah, it’s a party in the CIA

Need a country destabilized?
Look no further, we’re your guys
We’ve got snazzy suits and ties
And a better dental plan than the FBI’s

Better put your hands up and get in the van
Or else you’ll get blown away
Staging a coup like, yeah
Brainwashing moles like, yeah

We only torture the folks we don’t like
You’re probably gonna okay
Yeah, it’s a party in the CIA
Yeah, it’s a party in the CIA

Source: Musixmatch

Toy Story (1995)

I was watching a YouTube watch along with Toy Story, the original from 1995 and I realized that I had never reviewed Toy Story (or Toy Story 2 or Toy Story 3) at EYG. With Toy Story 5 coming up later this summer, I thought this would be a great idea to watch and review these absolute classic films.

Spoilers: Toy Story is epic!

The arrival of Buzz Lightyear, a special action figure, in Andy’s room throws off the balance of power among the other toys, who are able to come to life when Andy is not watching. Cowboy Woody, who was always Andy’s favorite toy, felt the pressure of the new toy and reacted with a lot of jealousy, which put both of the toys in jeopardy.

This movie is so great. It is brilliantly constructed in the writing, so clever and funny. The movie is able to put these toys into situations that everyone could relate with and built some of the best animated characters of all time. The relationship between Buzz and Woody developed naturally and believably, and the remainder of the toys in Andy’s room added so much to the comedy and the overall storyline.

Tom Hanks is absolutely perfect as Woody, and I can’t think of another voice over actor that could be better as Buzz Lightyear than Tim Allen. The rest of the voice cast included classic actors such as Don Rickles, Annie Potts, Jim Varney, Wallace Shawn, John Ratzenberger, Laurie Metcalf, and John Morris.

The animation is spectacular. Everything looked so amazing that you believed that these toys were coming to life.

The showdown with the misfit toys, Woody and Sid was just tremendous. The writing on this was so wonderful and it showed Woody finally as the leader that he was and not the jealous toy wishing he was better than Buzz.

The Randy Neuman music is amazing too and the theme “You’ve Got a Friend in Me” could not be more perfect.

I am so happy that I was able to watch this on Disney + and I am looking forward to seeing Toy Story 2 and Toy Story 3 (which is one of my favorite movies of all time) again.

EYG Comic Cavalcade #204

May 24

Happy Memorial Day to everyone. Take the time to remember those who you have lost and those who have meant something to you.

There was a rush of great new #1 issues this week across all of the companies. They were all cool stories and original concepts.

Comic of the Week

Absolute Green Arrow #1

I admit that this may not have been my favorite new book of the week, but I do think taking into consideration that this is the hottest book out there right now should be part of the decision. And this is the hottest book out this week, by far.

Of course, it is also an excellent new addition to the Absolute line of books in DC Comics. The re-imagining of Green Arrow is creative and original, showing a great deal of imagination. This is currently a six issue mini series, but I could see it expanding, especially if it remains as successful as it has been.

Books this week:

Of The Earth #1. “Road/Kill” Written by Chris Condon & Andrew Ehrich with art and cover art by Charlie Adlard. Tabitha ‘Tabby’ Black returned to her quiet hometown of Solitude, Texas and the comfort of her gramma’s home. There is something going on with the oil fields, something horrifying. This was probably my personal favorite book for the week. It is another winner from Image Comics.

Zorro #1. “Dark Age Part One” Written by Howard Chaykin with art and cover art by Jorge Fornes. I also picked up the variant cover C by Juan Ferreyra. The legendary warrior Zorro returns to the action, taking on the forces of Napoleon. Published by Alien Books, the new Zorro book is off to a great start.

Seven Wives #1. Written by Zoe Tunnell with art by V Gagnon. Cover art was done by Mirka Andolfo. The new IDW Crime mini series arrived this week with a murder mystery of a cult leader, with his seven wives as the main suspects. This was a cool first issue and I am excited to see where it goes.

Odin #1. Written by Marguerite Bennett & James Tynion IV with art by Letizia Cadonici. Cover art was done by Alex Eckman-Lawn. Any time you see the name James Tynion IV attached to a project, the chances of it being awesome would be high. Odin certain falls into that category. It is a creepy horror story with some truly disturbing moments. This one looks great.

Babylon Cove #1. Written by Rafer Roberts and art and cover A art by Joe Eisma. Another horror based book, this time from Mad Cave. Heather has to return to her home town to attend the funeral of her father, but, as so many small towns are, this one is filled with shocks and supernatural problems.

Reborn Ultimate Impact #1. Written by Chris Condon with art by Stefano Caselli. Cover art was done by Ben Harvey. Miles Morales returned from the Ultimates universe with a bunch of “origin boxes.” These are boxes that can give someone super powers. Unfortunately, the Spot has other ideas for these boxes. The boxes are released and the superpowers find a series of new people.

Kill Switch #1. Written by Sophia Banks & Don Handfield with illustrations by Gabo Ibarra. Cover art was done by Erwin Arroza & Gabo Ibarra. It is Los Angeles 2067 and someone is jumping into the bodies of a series of individuals, finding code words, and then jumping out. The problem is the only way to jump out of the body is to do it at the moment of death. This is a great sci-fi start to an intriguing concept that I want to see play out. This is from Thunder Comics which is published by Amp.

Narco #3. Written by Doug Wagner and art by Daniel Hillyard. Cover art was done by Daniel Hillyard & Dave Stewart. I also picked up cover B by Daniel Hillyard & Dave Stewart (Gold Medalist). Marcus continues to be in trouble as he tries to figure out what happened to his girlfriend Jess. He decided to prove that he did not murder her, but things just do not want to go his way. This book has been one of my favorites of the month so far.

Amazing Spider-Man #29. Written by Joe Kelly with art by guest artist Pete Woods. Cover art was done by Mark Bagley & Marte Gracia. Peter is out on an apology tour, as well as trying to find the proof that he actually does have a mystery cousin. Meanwhile a new danger starts to spread across the city. This featured the birth of Spore.

Jessica Jones: Alias-Red Band #3. Written by Sam Humphries with art by Geraldo Borges. Cover art was done by David Mack. Jessica Jones and Typhoid Mary continue their on-again-off-again partnership, but you should probably wonder if teaming up with someone named Typhoid Mary is a wise choice. This was the weakest of this series so far, so I hope the rest picks it back up.

X-Men: United #3. “The Loneliest Ghost” Written by Eve L. Ewing with art by Tiago Palma. Cover art was done by Stefano Caselli & Federico Blee. The X-Men and Captain America are in search for Maurice Canfield, a previous super soldier test subject, but they found someone else instead.

Fantastic Four #11. “Future’s Foundation” Written by Ryan North with pencils by Pat Boutin. Cover art was done by Humberto Ramos & Edgar Delgado. Ben Grimm has been feeling dumb, especially in comparison to the others in the FF. Ben’s troubles leads to him coming up with the concept for the new Future Foundation. I enjoyed this Thing-centric issue as we get another side besides the “It’s Clobberin’ Time” side to Ben Grimm.

Nectar #3. Written by Jeremy Robinson with art by Annapaola Martello & Francesco Francini. Cover art was done by Chris Shehan. The plague continues to spread and Amos and Lillian are trying to prevent it from spreading off the island. Unfortunately, Pastor Grant has a more religious manner of looking at it… send the infected to God… with a shotgun to the head. Nectar picked up the pace even more this issue.

Nightwing #138. “The Forest” Written by Dan Watters with pencils by Denys Cowan. Cover art was done by Jorge Fornes. Nightwing is having a crisis of faith after the highway crash and the witch of Bludhaven escaped him. With Barbara Gordon in prison, he called Starfire for support.

Venom #238. Written by Al Ewing with art by Carlos Gomez. Cover art was done by Carlos Gomez & Frank Martin. Peter and Mary Jane start to clear the air after Paul’s funeral. It apparently is what MJ needed as she and the symbiote bonded in a new way. Now Venom has long red hair. I am not sure how I feel about this either. I was never a fan of Jackpot, but this is taking it another step. I probably am done picking up Venom, which I only started buying because of the Death Spiral storyline.

Rocketfellers #0. Written by Peter J. Tomasi with art and cover art by Francis Manapul. This #0 issue for Rocketfellers is part of the prelude for the crossover story “The Unbelievables” that is coming up from Ghost Machine. It will be including Halo and Hornsby as well as some new characters. This takes us back when the family first arrived in the past.

Imperial Guardians #3. Written by Dan Abnett with pencils by Marcelo Ferreira. Cover art was done by Sean Izaakse & Nolan Woodard. The Imperial Guardians are trying to “rescue” a scientist/inventor who came up with an algorithm that is in real demand. They have to face off with the Shi’ar for him. I have to say that I really have enjoyed this comic so far. Some of the characters have not been my favorites over the years, but they all seem to work well together.

Neighborhood Watch #2. Written by Sarah Gailey and illustrated and cover art by Haining. Is she Jill? Is she Cassie? Why is this woman living a dual life? This mystery continues to be fire as Bianca and Val try to deduce the reasoning behind their friend’s big lie… and who tried to kill her.

Absolute Flash #15. “…Of Things to Come” Written by Jeff Lemire with art and cover art by Nick Robles. Future Wally comes back in using the speed force (or something like it) to warn himself as a young hero that he must give up the search for his father… or a terrible future is bound to happen. Young Wally does not listen. The Absolute Flash has been a consistently good read, mainly because the writing from Jeff Lemire has been spot on.

Rafael Garcia: Henchman #3. Written by Peter Murrieta & D.E. Schrader with art by Ben Herrera. Cover art was done by Gustaffo Vargas. This has been a hoot of a series so far, and this issue included a centerfold of Rafael in speedos. Rafael’s crew had to run into the super heroes of the time, the Justice Battalion. Very funny.

Other Books this Week: Wolverine: Weapons of Armageddon #4, Inglorious X-Force #5, American Caper #7 (Bronze Medalist), Sai Dimensional Rivals #5, Moonstar #3, Deadly Hands of K’un-Lun #4, and Escape from Skull Island #4.

Quick Hits: Everyone Loves a Jewel Thief #2 came out this week with a cover B that earned a silver medal. Rogue #5 came to an end, though I am not sure it was a satisfying ending for a series that I had been enjoying. Wanda, Wiccan and Somnus have to battle Nightmare inside Billy’s head in Sorcerer Supreme #6. How do they beat him? How about waking everybody up at once? Novel idea. I wonder if they are ever changing the name to Sorceress Supreme? The Punisher #4 is showing Frank Castle as a serious psycho in my opinion. He has very little empathy for anyone right now. Course, when going after Jigsaw, maybe empathy gets in the way. G.I. Joe #22 introduces a man named Crystal Ball, who has his own plans for Energon. Dead Teenagers #3 sees some more death and our crew hoping to avoid it this time. Murder Podcast #7 from Ignition Press keeps building the suspense for the finale next issue. Smile: For the Camera #3 was very solid this week as we focus in on these sad models and their horrible boss. Meanwhile, they keep dying from the smile curse. I am really rooting for Ivy. End of Life #4 from the Vertigo imprint has a hero that I think is anything but. Barbarians Behind Bars #4 sees our main barbarian finally able to communicate with his lawyer. And then, Racer X #7 sees Racer X win a race. I know, shocking right?

Daily Countdown: Weird Al Songs #36

#36

Don’t Download This Song

Title: “Don’t Download This Song”

Album: Straight Outta Lynwood

Released: 2006

Written: Al Yankovic

Genre: Comedy pop/Gospel

Style Pastiche: “We Are the World”, “Voices That Care”, “Hands Across America”, “Heal the World” and other similar charity songs

Topic: The illegal downloading of music from the internet

One of the more out of date Weird Al songs, Don’t Download This Song is still a personal favorite. Even with the song involving things that are not things anymore, this is funny and a great musical song.

Lyrics

Once in a while maybe you will feel the urge
To break international copyright law
By downloading MP3’s from file sharing sites
Like Morpheus or Grokster or LimeWire or KaZaA
But deep in your heart you know the guilt would drive you mad
And the shame would leave a permanent scar
‘Cause you start out stealing songs, and then you’re robbing liquor stores
And selling crack and running over school kids with your car

So don’t download this song
The record store’s where you belong
Go and buy the CD like you know that you should
Oh don’t download this song

Oh you don’t want to mess with the RIAA
They’ll sue you if you burn that CDR
It doesn’t matter if you’re a grandma or a seven year old girl
They’ll treat you like the evil, hard bitten criminal scum you are

So don’t download this song
Don’t go pirating music all day long
Go and buy the CD like you know that you should
Oh, don’t download this song

Don’t take away money from artists just like me
How else can I afford another solid gold Humvee?
And diamond studded swimming pools, these things don’t grow on trees
So all I ask is everybody, please

Don’t download this song (don’t do it, no, no)
Even Lars Ulrich knows it’s wrong (you can just ask him)
Go and buy the CD like you know that you should (you really should)
Oh, don’t download this song

Don’t download this song (Oh please don’t you do it)
Or you might wind up in jail like Tommy Chong (remember Tommy)
Go and buy the CD (right now) like you know that you should (go out and buy it)
Oh don’t download this song

Don’t download this song (no no no no no no)
Or you’ll burn in hell before too long (and you’d deserve it)
Go and buy the CD (just buy it) like you know that you should (ya cheap bastard)
Oh, don’t download this song

Source: LyricFind

Daily Countdown: Weird Al Songs #37

#37

Stop Forwarding That Crap to Me

Title: “Stop Forwarding That Crap to Me”

Album: Alpocalyse

Release: 2011

Written: Al Yankovic

Genre: Dramatic, Theatrical Rock

Style Parody: Jim Steinman

Topic: Sending stupid things across the internet/email

Lyrics

Oh, the sand keeps fallin’ through the hourglass
And there’s no way you’re gonna slow it down
You say, “We gotta treasure each moment
Who knows how long we’re gonna be around?”
Yeah, you keep on telling me life is short
And it’s hard to disagree with what you say
But if time is so precious, why you wastin’ mine?
‘Cause I’m always reading, always deleting
Every useless piece of garbage that you send my way

Every stupid hoax (ooh), all those corny jokes
Stop forwarding that crap to me
Well, I don’t need tons of cringe-inducing puns (ooh)
Stop forwarding that crap to me
No, it isn’t okay if you brighten my day (ah)
With some cut and pasted hackneyed Hallmark poetry
And I didn’t request a personality test (ooh)
Stop forwarding that crap to me
(Ah-ah-ah)

You’re sending virus-laden, bandwidth-hogging attachments
To every single person you know (ah)
You’re passin’ ’round a link to some dumb thing on YouTube
That everybody else already saw three years ago (ah)
And wacky, badly photoshopped billboards
Were never that amusing to me (ah)
And I just can’t believe you believe those urban legends
But I have high hopes someone’ll point you towards Snopes
And debunk that crazy junk you’re spewing constantly

No, I don’t want a bowl of Chicken Soup For the Soul (ooh)
Stop forwarding that crap to me
Send more top ten lists and I’ll slash my wrists (ooh)
Stop forwarding that crap to me
Well, I’m sorry I can’t accept your paranoid rant (ah, ah)
And I don’t want the Neiman-Marcus cookie recipe
Won’t you kindly refrain? ‘Cause it’s hurting my brain
Stop forwarding that crap to me

Like glittery hearts and unicorns and pictures of somebody’s cat
Now tell me
In what alternate reality would I care about something like that?
And by the way
Your quotes from George Carlin aren’t really George Carlin
Mr. Rogers never fought the Viet-Cong
And Bill Gates is never gonna give me something for nothing (ah)
And I highly doubt some dead girl’s gonna kill me
If I don’t pass your letter along

Well, now I know you’re wishin’ I’ll sign your petition
But stop forwarding that crap to me
And I don’t wanna read your series of conspiracy theories
Just stop forwarding that crap to me
And your two million loser friends all have my address now (ah)
‘Cause you never figured out the way to BCC
Now I gotta insist (ooh)
Take me off of your list (ooh)
Stop forwarding that crap to me (ah)

just stop it now
(Stop forwarding that crap to me) oh, no
(Stop forwarding that crap to me) whoa

I can’t take it
(Stop forwarding that crap to me) oh, please
(Stop forwarding that crap to me)

At the risk of being slightly repetitious (ah)
Gonna ask you now to stop (stop)
Sending me that (crap)
I don’t want it (ah)
Don’t send it to me, no, don’t send it to me

Stop forwarding that crap to me, to me
(Ah-ah-ah)

Source: Musixmatch

Until Tomorrow

Until Tomorrow

By K.P.

Have you ever had deja vu, well this I used to, too. That was until the day I met the old man. The day started the same as before, me and Tim, my best friend since forever, would go to the farm and lift hay and take care of the sheep and other odd jobs around the farm. We live in the village of Orgon, a village that until a few years ago was nothing, then someone found a cave filled with gold, silver, and other minerals. 

“Roger, stop daydreaming and get back to lifting hay.” Tim yells. I often just stop what I am doing and start staring off into the mountain.  I don’t know why, but sometimes I swear that I can see something on the mountain.

“Alright, I’m coming.” I called back. 

“You better I’m not doing all the work.” he retorts and we both get back to our job.

Hours pass on the farm and we finally are done. It’s around noon when we get back to the village. Most days it’s empty with everyone deep in the mines in search of riches but, today two strangers on horseback and masks were in front of my house.

“Roger Temporalin, come with us.” they say in complete unison, but I could tell they hadn’t rehearsed that line.

“Why should I, I don’t feel like going anywhere with the Pony Pals.” I say, which probably wasn’t the smartest idea, since the one to the right looked pretty jacked and the other had a sword.

“Hold your tongue boy.” the one to the left said, “before you lose it.”

“Back off Red, he ain’t a problem.” the other told him, “just come with us, and no one here gets hurt.” he says to me.

“Why do you want him?” Tim squeaks. He was always nervous around people he didn’t know. I was surprised he would talk at all after seeing them. 

“That is of no concern to you.” Red says. I got a bad feeling from the way he said this so I turned to Tim and said.

“Run.” and I sprinted towards the woods and hoped that Tim would follow though I knew they wouldn’t catch him, he was always the fastest when we raced.

“Hey, stop.” They both yell surprised, as we run into the woods.

After what seemed like hours, we finally came to a stop by a large oak tree. 

“Do you think we lost them?” Tim huffed “I hope we can stay here and not get caught.” 

“You should be safe here for a while, Roger,” said a gruff voice. Startled Tim and I jumped back. “Sorry for the scare, but I thought you should know that they’re  nowhere near here.”

“Who are you?” I asked. The voice belonged to an old guy that looked pretty beat up. He had a long scar from the bridge of his nose to the edge of his jaw on the left side. His skin was tan and leathery like he worked in the sun for years, so he must not have lived near here because it never was very sunny, only overcast. 

“My name doesn’t matter.” He said with a dark expression. “You can call me whatever you want.” 

“What do you want, Old Man.” I asked defensively . , “How do you know my name?” 

“I have been sent to help and protect you from the Kronos Crusade,” He stated flatly. “The two people in town who were on the horses, the two with the masks. They want to take you to their leader, who wishes to use you in a ritual.” 

“Why would they want me?” I ask angrily. Who was this guy and why would anyone want me, and what kind of maniac would believe in magic.

“I don’t know.” the old man said solemnly. I could tell he was lying. 

“How do we know that we can trust you?” Tim asked sheepishly.

“You can, I’m getting paid.” He boasted.

“Well that sure helps.” I said sarcastically. I had a bad feeling about the old man, I trusted him the same I trusted a wolf in a sheep pen. 

“Well if you’re done asking questions, we better get a move on.” the old man said. 

“Where would we go?” Tim asked nervously.

“My house in the mountains.” The old man said solemnly and started off toward the mountain. “Aren’t you coming?” he said, turning back. 

After hours of walking through the woods, we came to a small hut that looked like it’s been here forever. It was probably 14 feet tall at the top of the roof and about 20 feet across. 

“We’re here.” the old man said. 

  “So what do we do now?” I said aggressively.

“With a little luck, stay here and wait until tomorrow,” The old man said matter of factly,”  then you can go back to your life and you can forget all about this.”

“Why would they stop trying to find me after today?” I said confused.

“Theres a time limit, I guess. For the ritual, I mean” The old man said. “I think it can only happen today or something.” 

“So, what are we going to do here until tomorrow?” Tim asks, changing the subject. 

“You two should stay inside while I keep watch.” the old man answers, and with that me and Tim went inside and took a nap.

After I woke up from my nap, I went to check on the old man. It was dusk, and the old man was chopping wood out front. He looked angry and hurt, I wondered why.

“What are you doing out of the hut?” the old man grunted, not looking up. “I thought I told you to stay inside until tomorrow.” 

“Jeez, someone’s a cranky pants.” I retorted, “I was just checking if it was the morning, I was sleeping in there.”

“It’s only been 3 hours since we got here, get back inside.” He said in his gruff old voice.

“Yeah, get back inside, there’s some bad people in these woods.” A Young voice said in a sing-song voice. The old man and I turned to see Red, the masked horseman that was at my house.

“How did you find me?” I blurted out.

“I have some experience in finding people.” He said happily. 

“Red, why don’t you take a break this time.” the old man said hopefully. “Maybe this time we come to an agreement to stop this madness.” 

“What are you talking about, old man?” I asked, confused. What did he mean this time? Did they know each other, were they working together? 

“Hopefully, you’ll never need to know, kid.” the old man said, dropping the axe and extending his right hand. “Now stand back, I need to deal with this clown.” 

“How quaint, the old man thinks he can save anyone.” Red said angrily. He took his sword and swung at the air leaving a gaping void where he swung. 

“This again, I haven’t learned anything new.” the old man said smugly. A giant vine came out of the old man’s right and struck Red in the head knocking off his mask. Revealing Red looked exactly like a younger version of the old man.

“Enough of this.” Red said angrily, jumping into the void. The next second the world went black. Then I found myself in the middle of a gem-filled cave, where hundreds of masked people stood staring at me. I was on some sort of altar, and behind me stood Red and an old guy with long, black hair and an old fashioned robe

“I see you have finally woken up.” the robed man said. “You sure have been hard to capture, harder than most.”

“What do you want from me?” I yelled desperately.

“Didn’t that traitor tell you?” The robed man responded. “Well no matter, I am Dyon, the leader of the Kronos Crusade, and you are here to help me, you see, I didn’t really want to die, so I gathered some men a performed a ritual that gave me eternal life, the only downside is that I am now in a loop, and to stay immortal I must repeat the ritual, so you and me are in an endless chase so to speak.” He concluded dramatically. 

“What do you mean ‘you and me’?” I questioned. 

“Oh, I forgot to tell you.” Dyon laughed. “The ritual only works if we use you or someone else like, someone born during a rift in time like you.” 

“Let’s just get this over with.” Red growls. “The day is almost over.” 

“Ah, you are right, well we mustn’t be late.” Dyon said, almost sad. “Let’s begin the ritual.” I was desperate for a way out, so I jumped up and tried to grab Dyon, get a hostage, but the second I did something hit me in the face. Red had struck me with his sword leaving a small cut from the bridge of my nose going left to my jaw, and realization hit me. All these people were me from the countless times the ritual was performed.

“Ah, so you see how you could not win.” Red said softly. “If something has happened this many times it must be destiny.”  After all I went through I would fail. The room filled with chanting, the sound was like drumming. After a second I started to float on the altar, I started to glow and then the world went bright white, then black.

I woke up on the mountain, it was morning. I thought the whole ritual thing had to have been a dream and I had just sleepwalked out here. Running, I went to the farm and my heart dropped, there I was staring back at the morning of the ritual lifting hay.

Daily Countdown: Weird Al Songs #39

#39

Foil

Title: “Foil”

Release: 2014

Album: Mandatory Fun

Parody: “Royals” by Lorde

Written: Joel Little / Alfred Matthew Yankovic / Ella Marija Lani Yelich O’connor

Genre: Pop

Weird Al’s Foil goes from talking about wrapping food in aluminum foil so it will not spoil to talking about the Illuminati and New World Order. Quite the flip of script. The video is hilarious, featuring the one and only Patton Oswalt, as well as comedians Thomas Lennon, and Robert Ben Garant.

Lyrics

I never seem to finish all my food
I always get a doggie bag from the waiter
So I just keep what’s still unchewed
And I take it home, save it for later

But then I deal with fungal rot, bacterial formation
Microbes, enzymes, mould and oxidation
I don’t care, I’ve got a secret trick up my sleeve

I never bother with baggies, glass jars, tupperware containers
Plastic cling wrap, really a no-brainer
I just like to keep all my flavours sealed in tight

With aluminum foil (Foil)
Never settle for less
That kind of wrap is just the best
To keep your sandwich nice and fresh

Stick it in your cooler (Cooler)
Eat it when you’re ready
Then maybe you’ll choose (You’ll choose, you’ll choose, you’ll choose)
A refreshing herbal tea
Mmm, lovely!

Oh, by the way, I’ve cracked the code
I’ve figured out these shadow organizations
And the Illuminati know
That they’re finally primed for world domination

And soon you’ve got black helicopters comin’ cross the border
Puppet masters for the New World Order
Be aware: There’s always someone that’s watching you
And still the government won’t admit they faked the whole moon landing
Thought control rays, psychotronic scanning
Don’t mind that, I’m protected cause I made this hat

From aluminum foil (Foil)
Wear a hat that’s foil lined
In case an alien’s inclined
To probe your butt or read your mind

Looks a bit peculiar (‘culiar)
Seems a little crazy
But someday I’ll prove (I’ll prove, I’ll prove, I’ll prove)
There’s a big conspiracy

Source: Musixmatch

The Never Wavering Arrow

The Never Wavering Arrow

By Z.W.

A bright light shines upon my face as I stir in my sleep. I shield my eyes from the harsh light with my hand and groan. I sit up, rubbing my eyes as I do, silently cursing the wretched sun for interrupting my only time of peace. I look around and see my phone buzz with a notification. Who in their right mind is messaging me this early?

I pick up the phone begrudgingly, reading the notification. 

A message reading “Hey Assan! This is just a message to wake your lazy self up, because heaven forbid you get up at a reasonable time.” comes through from Rowan… Of course. I slightly snicker at the audacity, but it quickly turns into dread at having to go to school.

I stretch my arms and back before standing up and yawning. I pad over to my dresser and throw on a plain white tee with some basic cargo jeans, nothing out of the ordinary for me. I look in the mirror and see how messy my brown hair is… It’s really getting long. I almost consider brushing it, but it being shaggy is more of my style anyway.

I slip on my shoes and school bag and mentally prepare as I head to school, knowing the day is going to be strenuous. When I arrive at the school, Ferns High School for specifics, I’m met with an abrupt meeting with Rowan.

“Hey, sleepyhead! You did make it after all! It’s nice to see your face here every once in a while, you know.” While he speaks, I wonder how someone can be so cheerful in a dull world like this.

“Yeah, yeah, now can you quit with the overzealous yelling? I’d like to be able to hear during my classes today.”  My words sound harsher than intended, but I’m sure Rowan knows this.

“Ah, right, sorry!” He rubs the back of his head sheepishly, having a big grin on his face.

I notice his more nicely dressed attire. Compared to his normal, uncoordinated outfits, this one seems awfully put together and neat. His clothes aren’t wrinkled, his black hair is brushed and done up in a messy bun, and he smells like cologne- maybe too much.

“What’s the occasion? You aren’t dressed like the homeless today.”

“Hey! I’ll have you know I dress perfectly fine normally! But, since you are sooo curious…” He drags on, “I have a date after school!” He flushes with clear excitement and nerves.

“A date? You? I can’t tell if I pity you or the girl who said yes.” I tease. “But hey, good for you, even if you smell like a men’s cologne shop.”

He grins and goes to reply, but is cut off by the bell. It rings mockingly, like it knows the suffering it brings.

“Well, see ya later! And don’t sleep in class either, I’m tired of the teachers complaining about it to me.” He says before rushing off to his first class.

I sigh, a lot of the staff complain to Rowan because 1, he’s the favorite, and 2, I’m his troublesome best friend. I figure I won’t ruin his big day and try to stay awake during these long, boring hours.

The first half of the day goes by pretty quickly, just listening to lectures upon lectures lets the mind drift off to a pretty interesting place- on which I won’t elaborate. Lunch comes and goes just as quickly, with some small talk with Rowan and listening to the background chatter in the lunch room.

My final class periods, on the other hand, couldn’t have been more irritating if they tried. The classes themselves are fine, but it’s the students in them that ruin it. One of, if not the most popular student is in both of them. Alias Bridgenton, the school sports pride. With a total of 10 medals from different competitions, he’s managed to be the most insufferable jerk to be around.

His most notable talent is archery, always winning the competitions held and crushing the competitors with his ego…and skill, I suppose. He never really talks to me, but he always gives me glances that you can’t quite read. His emerald eyes are piercing, and his black hair is almost blue in some lighting. I admit, he’s pretty intimidating.

But, after listening to his loud mouth for those two straining class periods, the bell rings. This time in a much more relieving sense. I grab my things and book it out of the school. The fresh air is an amazing change compared to the sweaty, BO-reeking halls in the building. I don’t bother to look for Rowan, knowing he’s probably off with the girl he mentioned earlier.

I head down the road to the archery range, my safe haven. Archery is my comfort compared to the tiresome work of everyday life. I enter the building and take my recurve bow out of its locker, replacing it with my school stuff in the meantime. Some of the other attendees wave over to me, so I reciprocate the greeting. 

I head over to the range itself; it’s indoors, but it works just as well as any other. I put on my gear and finally begin practicing. Pull the drawstring back, aim, fire, repeat. Such simple actions make such a great hobby.

After a while, my arms grow achy, and my mind is tired. Despite that, I can’t afford to slack off. The most important archery competition of the year is in less than a week. While most people look at it as something Alias will just win, I want to at least attempt to get some recognition. I pull the string back once more, and my weary state must have been obvious because I’m interrupted by a familiar, irritating voice.

“Your stance is off, you know.” The voice reeks of arrogance and ego; I suddenly feel like gagging.

I turn to look who it is, already having a hunch. Alias himself, in all of his prideful glory. He wears a smirk that practically screams, “I’m better than you,” and he probably isn’t wrong. He begins to walk over, walking with the pride of a man who holds himself higher than the atmosphere.

“Assan, was it?” If condescension had a mortal form, it’s him.

“Yeah, Alias, right?” I know the answer, but I may as well make the conversation a little more bearable.

“The one and only. Now, sorry to intrude on your practice, but I couldn’t help but notice your poor form. You do know better than this, yes?”

I nod, refraining from rolling my eyes.

“Good, but if you can’t even keep your form at a reasonable state, then why are you practicing? A good archer mustn’t overwork themselves too much; I can account for that.” He looks off as he speaks, as if caught in a memory. He shakes his head, “Regardless, I’ve seen your talent, and I wouldn’t want you to burn it out, before a competition no less.”

I don’t know how to feel about that; such words of praise are surprising from him. I sigh and shake my head, looking back at my bow.

“I assume you’ll be participating in the competition, yes?” his words break the brief silence.

I nod, “Yes, I’ll be participating.”

He smirks, “Good.”

He begins to walk off, but not before giving one last line of pride.

“Don’t disappoint me, Assan. I’ll be looking forward to our next meeting at the competition.” He walks out of the range like he hadn’t just put a large expectation on my shoulders.

I groan and decide to pack up my bow. It’s not like I’ll be able to focus now anyway. For being a jerk, he gave some pretty smart advice, all things considered. I put my bow in my locker and grab my stuff, slinging my bag over my shoulder, and walk out of the building. 

I pull out my phone and see Rowan has messaged me a couple of times about him and that girl’s date. Apparently, it went great. I sent back some generic positive messages before turning my phone off. I’ve got bigger things to worry about.

The next few days go partway decent. Rowan hasn’t given me any headaches, Alias keeps to himself, and my training has been productive. Even if I feel a pit in my stomach when it’s mentioned, I feel more confident about it now. Honestly, I’m looking forward to it, to prove myself.

But, like any other time when life goes well, something happens. My bow breaks. The top portion of the bow snapped when I pulled it back like I normally did. I knew the thing was old, but did it really have to break the day before the competition? I have it sent to the shop; thankfully, since I’ve been going to this range for so long, they offer to do it for free.

They gave me a measly replacement bow for the meantime; this could not have been worse timing. I train with the bow, but it’s far more difficult than it should be. It’s too light, it doesn’t bend like it should, and it feels flimsy. There goes my only chance of proving myself. The highest I get is a 9 on the target, and that was pure luck at best. That night, I just sit and accept my impending defeat.

How am I supposed to win a competition that my only chance of winning has been sabotaged? I know I should have more resolve, but I can’t just gaslight myself into thinking I’ll win. I suppose Alias should’ve had a little less faith…

The morning of the competition rolls around, a Saturday morning that I’d normally spend sleeping. Instead, I’m standing off to the side, watching the competition go by while I wait for my turn. The lighting is bright, and it’s hot inside the range. This is going to go terribly.

Suddenly, the announcer calls over the intercom, “Ladies and gentlemen! Our next contestant is a long-time winner who comes from Fern High School…Alias Brigenton!” The audience erupts into applause as he walks into the range. He smirks and waves to the crowd, looking all around at the audience till he spots me. He locks eyes with me and mouths the words “Watch this.”

I feel a stab of anxiety as I observe him getting ready to fire. His technique is flawless, with not a single point of weakness. He shoots the target, hitting the bullseye with ease. He proceeds to shoot the other targets with bullseyes, earning the highest possible score of 50. He undeniably has the skill and the determination to back up his ego. I may not be able to win, but I might be able to tie. 

After he gets his final score tallied, he walks off the range and back into the waiting area for contestants. Not without shooting me a final look of pride. Never have I ever wanted to punch a smirk off of someone’s face before until now. I sigh, mentally preparing again.

“And now, for our final contestant… Assan Hildegade!” I practically feel my stomach drop to my feet. I take a deep breath to steel my nerves and rush to the waiting area to grab my bow and head onto the range. I do that walk of shame most people do when giving a presentation, but then I raise my head and walk with a little more dignity. 

There is no applause for me like there was for Alias, just pitiful attempts at recognition from the crowd. I look around, and targets are positioned at different distances and heights. The lights are far too bright, honestly. Do they even think about the contestants? Or are we just a display item? Never mind that.

I look around the audience, and seeing Rowan cheering for me brings some calm to my nerves. I catch eyes with Alias again, and he nods at me. I sigh, here goes nothing.

I bring the bow up and pull back the drawstring like I’d done a thousand times before. The bow feels unfamiliar in my hands, and it only worsens my confidence. I aim at the first target, a thousand worries running through my mind at once. I try to silence them for the time being and fire the arrow. It weaves through the air like a hot knife through butter, better than I could have ever expected. 

It hits the bullseye, surprisingly. I suppress a grin; maybe the odds aren’t entirely out of my favor. The next three targets go smoothly despite the increased difficulty. But it’s now the final target, the most difficult one. It’s stationed the furthest away, is angled at an inopportune position, and the wind is blowing in the opposite direction. With the stakes given, the circumstances occurring, and my overall abilities, I feel those thoughts creep back in.

What if I don’t make this shot? Would he still have faith in me? What if I fail? Would I humiliate myself? What if I show how worthless I am? Would it-

“Don’t disappoint me, Assan. I’ll be looking forward to our next meeting at the competition.” his words flood back to my head. Right. No time for worrying. I didn’t put in all of this hard work for nothing. After all, I have to prove myself at one point, and I’m not letting this opportunity slide.

I pull the drawstring back, aiming carefully with the wind direction. I take a deep breath and fire, watching the arrow never waver once in its travel. It hits the bullseye dead center, not a single way to misconceive its position. The crowd is silent for a moment, a long, painful moment, but suddenly the audience roars with cheers and applause. I look around to see Rowan cheering louder than most, but then I also see Alias applauding with a proud look.

I let out a breath I didn’t know I was holding. I smile ear to ear uncontrollably, laughing in relief more than humor. I walk back into the waiting area for archers, giving myself some time away from the crowd.

Since Alias and I tied our score, we both got to take home a gold medal. First time I’ve ever gotten one. After the competition, I was met with praise and a very proud Rowan, who goes on about how he secretly knew this would happen, even though he probably didn’t. I decide to head to the place outside behind the range after the whole ordeal. It’s a bench with a tiny pond that no one seems to go to.

I sit on the bench and lean back with an exhausted sigh, thinking back to the previous week. Meeting Alias, my training, my bow breaking, the competition, everything. I feel a grin tug at my lips at it all. Who knew all of that would come to this? My peaceful moment of reminiscing is quickly interrupted, though, as a voice I’ve come to know all too well returns.

“Well, isn’t this an interesting place to relax? I must say, this would not be my first pick.” Alias, who walks over and sits next to me, says in a much calmer tone compared to his normal arrogance.

I shrug, “Yeah, but at least it’s quiet. That’s all I ask for.”

He snickers, “How simple-minded of you.”

I scoff and roll my eyes, “It’s not simple-minded, it’s logical after whatever that loud competition was.”

“Sure, sure, now, I’ve come to congratulate you. It isn’t every day that someone ties me, in a competition no less. You did well out there.” The words are oddly sincere coming from someone like him. I feel a smile creep onto my face. 

“Who knew the pride of Ferns High School was so sentimental after all? I feel honored,” I joke with him, causing his reaction of sputtering before scoffing.

“Don’t get too cocky, brat.” His attempt to regain his composure is quite entertaining.

I shake my head, “Anyway, thanks for that. It was really you who was a driving factor for me to even participate. I guess I owe it to ya after all.”

He grins, “Now who’s getting sentimental?”

“Shut up!”

We end up laughing it off and giving a fist bump. I guess this could be the start of something new, a friendship you could call it. Who knew that this is where one measly competition could lead me? I guess, in the end of it all, through hardships and condescending comments, hard work never fails you.

Light on a Dying Flower

By P.W.

Her, the love of his life, Fiona, a police officer has been in the police force since she was 20, going on 28. In love with the idea of arresting the bad people and helping the good people ever since she was a child, but her boyfriend,  Arden, is a hidden serial killer, someone you wouldn’t suspect, from a man who helps the elderly and helps with Fiona’s children. Will she find out about his murderous ways or will the man she’s deeply in love with not get caught, and live with her? Until death do us part is a big saying with big meaning, will that meaning still be true, or will they part ways. Permanently. It’s the Thirteenth of August in 2011, the temperatures are hot but not horribly overwhelming. 

Salem was a big tourist attraction especially for the movie Hocus Pocus. Tourists flew in from everywhere. For Fiona it was a struggle, trying to get to an emergency with crowded crosswalks was a challenge, especially for urgent situations. Over the (almost) eight years she’s been working, she’s found a back road that gets her to different areas in town,  and it avoids the tourists. It’s a win for everyone. On the day of August 11 at 6:23 p.m she comes home to a horrid stench. She makes it inside, her little girl, Lillithan greets her eagerly.

“Mama! Mama! I’ve missed you so much! Ardy made me Cheese pasta!”

Fiona smiles happily,”Does he make it as good as I do?” She pulls Lillithan into a warm hug, picking her up and resting her on her hip. Fiona then walks over to Arden, kissing him on the lips smiling.

“How was Little Lilli today?”

“She wasn’t a problem at all, I don’t know why you don’t trust me.” Arden says smiling at her, Fiona knows he loves her,  but something lies beneath that mask. She just can’t figure out what she wants to figure out, she’s wanted to for the past two years they’ve dated.

“Im going to put this silly girl to bed, then I’ll come back out.” She leans over and kisses him one last time before leaving and putting Lillithan to bed. Once she comes back out she talks to Arden.

“Hey, I think an animal crawled under the house and died, if you could look into that, I would love that.”

“Of course honey, I will tomorrow.” He kisses her on the forehead and grabs his stuff.

“Bye , Sweetie. I’ll see what’s up tomorrow”

He leaves, Fiona is still extremely on edge Why was there a stench, it didn’t smell like a dying, or rotting animal, but could she be wrong? No. She shakes it off and heads to bed. The next morning she wakes up at 5:00, it’s a Friday so she has the day off, she tries to go back to bed, but she can’t, it’s like something is pulling her away from sleeping. She feels a presence behind her, but she’s lying down, how she could Feel something behind her. Fiona gets up and makes herself some coffee, careful not to wake up Lilli. As the coffee brews the sounds are not loud, but also not exactly quiet. The coffee finishes brewing and she puts in her “essentials”.

  • 1 spoonful of sugar
  • 1 whole cup of coffee creamer
  • A splash of milk

As Fiona makes her coffee, she’s pleased with herself, when all of a sudden she hears small footsteps from behind her, she turns around to see Lilli running at her scared, almost petrified. Of course, it’s one of her small night terrors and it’s easy to calm her down. This time though, it was different. 

“Lilli? What’s wrong?” Fiona says, setting down her coffee and picking up the crying five year old in front of her,

 Lilli clings to her shirt crying relentlessly, clearly not calming down any time soon. “Hes in my room! I told him to leave but he won’t! He won’t leave! He’s not listening to me!”

Fiona freezes, she knew that feeling wasn’t just her. She knew something was coming, she just couldn’t place that feeling until right now.

“ Ok baby, I’m going to set you down so I can take a look at the monster, ok?”

Lilli nods, her tiny hands coming up to wipe her tears and her cute little lip sticking out, making her look adorable even while frightened. Fiona puts Lilli down and grabs her pepper spray, just in case. As she makes her way to Lilli’s room, her footsteps are quiet, it makes it feel like the house is screaming, because of how quiet it is. As she steps in front of Lilli’s room she turns the doorknob slowly. The door creaks as it opens. She turns the light on and steps into the room quickly. Nothing. She checks under the bed, nothing. She opens the closet doors one after the other, first side nothing. Second side, something? 

There’s this big white trashbag, now stained a light pink, the stench is strong, but not overwhelming. She puts the pepper spray in her back pocket. She walks up to the bag and kneels in front of it. The tie sucks, so it’s easy to open. Once she opens it she finds different red splattered shirts, the red splatter looks like paint because of how thick it is. She digs through the bag, She reaches her hand in and cuts her finger on something sharp. She pulls her hand out and mutters a curse. Why would something sharp be in a bag of Lilli’s ruined shirts? She opens the bag more, slowly, more red paint comes into view. Her eyes widen, why didn’t I get rid–

“I’m here to look at your infestation!” Arden, he arrives, Fiona didn’t even hear the door open, or close.

“Ardy, Ardy”, Lilli says, her little feet on the floor. “There’s a monster in my room! mama ‘s lookin’ at it right now!” Ardy laughs and walks towards the room with Lilli, Fiona comes out holding her cut finger.

“Holy cow, Fiona. What happened, are you ok?” Fiona heads to the bathroom to wash her finger off, whilst talking to Arden.

“Lilli, she had a trashbag of paint stained clothes in her closet, I reached my hand in and something cut my finger.” Fiona runs her finger under the water stinging slightly, but thoroughly cleansing it.

“Jesus Fiona, I’ll go get started looking at that dang rodent that went under your porch.” He kisses her solemnly on the forehead. “Love you.” he says then leaves. Fiona grabs an antiseptic and sprays the liquid on to her fingers, disinfecting it. She then grabs a bandaid and lays it on her finger carefully, trying not to hurt herself more. Once she heads out of the bathroom she grabs the bag of stained clothes and takes it outside to the trash, as in doing so she sees Arden dragging a black trashbag to his truck, its sagging. There’s weight to it, almost like a carcass, or a cadaver, Fiona freezes momentarily.

“Hey Arden.” Fiona says, still frozen in place.

‘Yeah?” He says while dragging the trash bag to his truck.

“Can I see what rotten animal crawled under my porch?” Arden freezes clearly caught off guard by the question.

“W-why would you want to see? It’s probably rotten, and looks horrible.” He says, clearly scared of being caught, but what would he have to hide?

“Show me the animal. Now”

“No!” He throws the trashbag in the truck. “It’s been dealt with now, don’t ask about it.” He says angrily, frustration evident on his face. He storms past Fiona brushing past her shoulder. Fiona throws Lilli’s bag of trash into the trashcan then heads back inside to be greeted with Arden, stabbing Lilli with a knife right in her back. Fiona screams. Arden turns around. Her screams are too loud, but Arden says.

“This was  always coming. Eventually” 

Fiona tackles him reaching for her phone, She manages to tackle Arden pining him under her with practiced precision. She manages to call 911 and puts it on speaker, putting it far away from his reach.

“911, What your–”`

“Wideria street apartment eight, I have a murderer at my house, I’m Police Officer F. Smith.”

“Backups being sent your way now Mrs. Smith. I need you to stay on the line”

“I have him pinned”  “He’s struggling pretty roughly im not going to be able to hold him forever”

“The police are about a minute away, hold on for me Fiona.”

As Fiona holds down Arden, her daughter’s crying, and she hears the police sirens getting closer, and closer, and then the sirens arrive, doors shut footsteps on the grass. The door bursts open, medical calls are made. Her daughter gets rushed to the hospital, and Arden gets arrested. Fiona and her daughter come back home two weeks later, Arden missed all of Lili’s organs thankfully. Lilli now has a big scar and stitches on her back. She healed about three years later, the pain faded the memories not. Fiona was eternally grateful for the police and medical care they provided to her daughter. The police station and hospital both expressed their gratitude and awarded Fiona and Lilli each five thousand dollars. Lilli and Fiona are still scared to trust people to this day, after the day Lilli’s life was almost taken. Lilli is now twenty while her mother is now forty-eight and still in the police force helping people and busting the others.

EYG Comic Cavalcade #203

May 18

Another week, another Monday.

I think part of the fact that I have been having trouble getting this out on the weekend is that I have so many books each week. I remember the days when I only picked up Marvel Comics. Now, I get all kinds of companies across the comic landscape.

The huge variety is awesome, but does take some time to read. School has just a couple of weeks total before I am out on summer vacation, so the timing of the EYG Comic Cavalcade should switch up soon.

Comic of the Week

The Olympus Saga: Megalith #1

I had several potential choices this week for Comic of the Week, but I decided to go with this new Bad Idea book called The Olympus Saga: Megalith #1.

It was a cool idea. A giant megalith appeared in the middle of the city, causing destruction and danger and a group of first responders and military people try to figure out what is going on before everything is lost. I did not see the ending of this issue coming. I was thinking that this felt very cinematic, which was a way I used to describe Survive (a book last year that I loved). This is a great start and one of my favorite reads of the week.

Books this week:

Amazing Spider-Man/Venom- Death Spiral: Body Count #1. Written by Charles Soule with art by Kev Walker. Cover art was done by CAFU I(Silver Medalist). This is the wrap up of the Death Spiral storyline as we get the origin of Torment. We also get what seemed to be a brand new Torment… eventually, at least.

The Spectacular Spider-Man: Brand New Day #1. “Key to the Kingdom” Written by Dan Slott with art by Marcus Tu. Marcos Martin & Muntsa Vicente did the Tell-Tale Pages art. Cover art was done by Phil Jimenez & Alex Sinclair. I also picked up the variable cover F by Patrick Gleason. We are back in the Brand New Day timeline for a new story with Spidey and Mister Negative.

Black Cat #10. “Big If True” Written by G. Willow WIlson with art by Gleb Melnikov. Cover art was done by Gleb Melnikov & Edgar Delgado. I also picked up the B cover by Peach Momoko (Gold Medalist). Black Cat and Jonah Jameson meet up in the Negative Zone. Yeah, that sounds weird, I know.

Showdown #1. “The Two Killers of Michael Sullivan.” Written by Dave Wielgosz and illustrated by Tadd Galusha. Cover art by Steve Lieber & Dillon Snook. Trish has returned to her hometown with a mission. She blamed Harvey for the death of her brother. So when she returned from college, she had planned on killing him. However, some things are in the way. This was an interesting new book by Ignition Press.

D’Orc #4. “Trust Your Gut” Written, drawn and cover art by Brett Bean. D’Orc continues to be a lot of fun every issue. In this one, we see D’Orc and his friends take on a three headed dog. I find this book to be extremely enjoyable and funny.

Wolverine #20. “The Savage Champions” Written by Saladin Ahmed and art by Martin Coccolo. Cover art was done by Dan Panosian. Wolverine wrapped up the Adamantine storyline with his massive battle with the creature. Wolverine still has not had his claws back yet on his one hand. I wonder if they are leading to this being his new status quo for the current Marvel Universe.

Something is Killing the Children #47. “All Her Monsters” Written by James Tynion IV and illustrated and cover art by Werther Dell’edera. We are back with Jessica and Cecilia Slaughter dealing with the after effects of the Valmont Mountain Lodge incident. It was nice to get this book back after a bit of a lay off.

Innards #1. “Chapter 1: As Below, So Within.” Written by Rob Guillory with art and cover art by Sam Lotfi. This new book by Ignition Press dealing with a future world, post-nuclear attack. They are looking to mine the only energy mineral remaining- Lucifium, and you can only reach it by teleportation. This was a fun new book. Ignition Press has been doing quality work lately too.

Barbara Gordon: Breakout #1. “What Am I Doing Here?” Written by Mariko Tamaki and art by Amancay Nahuelpan. Cover art was done by Karl Kerschl. I have been looking forward to this new book as Barbara Gordon is on her was to the Big House. This was a great first issue and I considered it as the Comic of the Week.

Geiger #23. Creators are Geoff Johns & Gary Frank. This was a heartbreaker of an issue as Geiger finds his family for just a few moments, only to get pulled away from them. It was so sad. It looks as if Geiger is finding himself in World War II with Junkyard Joe.

Conan & Dragonero #1. “The Shadow of the Dragon” Written by Stefano Vietti & Luca Enoch with art by Lorenzo Nuti. Cover art was done by Roberto De La Torre. This new series is fabulous. It looked like Conan is back to his time traveling ways. I really liked this book and seeing these two together.

Uncanny X-Men #28. “And It Shall Come to Pass.” Written by Gail Simone with art by Luciano Vecchio. Cover art was done by Luciano Vecchio & Edgar Delgado. The weird storyline continues with the fake New Mutants (?) and the reveal of the identity of Inmate X. I have loved Gail Simone’s run on this book and every month I look forward to it.

Captain America #11. “Doom’s Shadow” Part 6. Written by Chip Zdarsky with art by Valero Schiti. Cover art was done by Valerio Schiti & Romulo Fajardo Jr. I also picked up the Variant Cover C by Chip Zdarsky (Bronze Medalist). Red Hulk faces off with Cap on Latverian grounds and it sure does not seem to go well for Cap.

The Fury of Firestorm #2. “The Fury Part 2” Written by Jeff Lemire and art was done by Rafael De Latorre. Rafael De Latorre & Marcelo Maiolo did the cover art. I really enjoyed this issue too. The background story between Ronnie and Stein was welcomed and the mystery of what is happening with Firestorm is fascinating. This has been one of my favorite new DC books so far.

Hidden Springs #1. Written by Rob Williams and art and cover art by Nil Vendrell. A group of old people on a trip to the woods come across a crash from space… and a gigantic monster. This was a Monsterverse story crossed with LOST and the X-Files. I enjoyed this new Dark Horse book.

The Mortal Thor #10. “Come at the King” Written by Al Ewing with art by Pasqual Ferry. Cover art was done by Alex Ross. Sigurd Jarlson has had enough and he walked straight into the Roxxon building looking to put this to an end. He had to face the Grey Gargoyle… and took care of him. He walked right into the Minotaur. Great issue.

Transformers #32. Written by Robert Kirkman and art by Jason Howard. Cover art was done by David Nakayama. We go this issue back to Cybertron to watch the battle being led by our new Elita Prime. There are a bunch of new Decepticons involved in the war on Cybertron.

Absolute Batman #20. “The Straw Man” Written by Scott Snyder with art by Nick Dragotta. Cover art was done by Nick Dragotta and Frank Martin. I was able to pick up Variant Cover C by Fabrizio De Tommaso. We get the appearance by the Robins as they are preparing to take on Batman.

Department of Truth #37. Written by James Tynion IV with art by Ben Templesmith. Cover art was done by Martin Simmonds. Dinosaurs? True Believer Charity and her church believe that humans and dinosaurs existed at the same time, and they believe that dinosaurs may still exist. And look to Hunky to answer that question.

Iron Man #5. “Advanced Iron Man” Written by Joshua Williamson and art by Carmen Carnero with Jan Bazaldua. Cover art was done by Ryan Stegman & Frank Martin. Adam Ware killed the Fixer. Ware is with the AIM organization, right at the head.

Voyeur #5. Written by Leah Williams and illustrated by David Baldeón. Cover art was done by Victor Ibanez. Voyeur #5 was a lot of fun and a lot of nudity. I thought this was considerably better than it should have been. This was the final issue of this short series and I am sad to see it go. This issue also has one of the more fun covers of the week.

Bleeding Hearts #4. Written by Deniz Camp and art and cover art by Stipan Morian. Have you ever seen a zombie having a tea party? Not only at a tea party, but having a damn great time? It sure seems that Poke is struggling with his own mind and his own perspective on who or what he is. But hey, who wouldn’t love Rabbit? One of the more original zombie stories you are going to read.

Tyler Rake: An Extraction Story #2. Written by Ande Parks and illustrated by Ronan Cliquet. Cover art was done by Declan Shalvey. The second issue of this Tyler Rake series from Ignition Press is great. This has been a surprisingly solid book so far as we get some action from Tyler Rake.

Other Books This Week: The Thing on the Doorstep #4, Hello Darkness #21, Blood & Thunder #13, Absolute Martian Manhunter #11, Ghost Pepper #11, Archie’s Movie Mania #1, Arcadia #5, Malevolent #4, and Terrorbytes #6.

Quick Hits: Tigress Island #3 came out this week. Things are getting real serious for these girls. The relationship between Illyana and Colossus are on display through this new Magik and Colossus #4, the penultimate issue of this series. W0rldtr33 #20 continues to be one of the more in-depth stories dealing with technology you will find. Doctor Strange is able to return to earth from Asgard in Doctor Strange #6, but it is temporary. I love how Clea and Wanda, who are guest starring, do not remember Thor, but Stephen does since he was in Asgard at the time. Clea believes Stephen is lying about the “Norse myth” stuff. LOL. Space Ghost #11 is the penultimate issue of season two. Things have been tough for Space Ghost. War Wolf #5 sees Thomas Bruin in some real trouble, but, again, we are not sure what the truth about what happened actually was. Ultimate Endgame #4 saw the death of another of our favorites as Captain Britain chopped off the head of Captain America. Dead By Daylight #2 could use some more hillbilly. Archie x The Army of Darkness #4 sees Archie and Ash trying to stop the Deadites. Joe Palmer’s Destination Kill #1 was a new #1 from Oni Press. I was not a big fan of this issue. Finally, Just Brutal #3 sees a real tragic event at the end of the book. It took a turn and the book may have taken a different path.

Daily Countdown: Weird Al Songs #44

#44

A Complicated Song

Title: “A Complicated Song”

Written: Graham Edwards / Lauren Christy / Avril Ramona Lavigne / David Scott Alspach/Al Yankovic

Album: Poodle Hat

Release: 2003

Parody: “Complicated” by Avril Lavigne

Genre: Pop/Punk

Poodle Hat finally breaks through as the final Weird Al album represented in the Top 100 with A Complicated song, which breaks into three separate stories. Some of the stories are silly, but a lot of fun.

Lyrics

Uh huh… extra cheese
Uh huh, uh huh… save a piece for me

Pizza party at your house
I went just to check it out
19 extra larges
What a shame
No one came

Just us eatin’ all alone
You said, “Take the pizza home”
“No sense lettin’ all this go to waste”
So then I faced

Pizza all day
And every day
This cheese ’round the clock
Is gettin’ me blocked
And I sure don’t care
For irregularity

Tell me
Why’d you have to go and make me so constipated?
‘Cause right now I’d do anything to just get my bowels evacuated
In the bathroom… I sit and I wait and I strain
And I sweat and I clench and I feel the pain
Oh, should I take laxatives or have my colon irrigated?
No no no

I was feelin’ pretty down
‘Till my girlfriend came around
We’re just so alike in every way
I gotta say

In fact, I just thought I might
Pop the question there that night
I was kissing her so tenderly
But woe is me

Who would have guessed
Her family crest
I’d suddely spy
Tattooed on her thigh
And son-of-a-gun
It’s just like the one on me

Tell me
How was I supposed to know we were both related?
Believe me, if I knew she was my cousin we never would have dated
What to do now? Should I go ahead and propose
And get hitched and have kids with 11 toes
And move to Alabama where that kind of thing is tolerated?
No no no no no no no
No no no no no no no
No no no no no

I had so much on my mind
I thought maybe I’d unwind
Try out that new roller coaster ride
And the guide

Said not to stand
But that’s a demand
That I couldn’t meet
I got on my feet
And stood up instead
And knocked off my head, you see

Tell me
Why’d I have to go and get myself decapitated?
This really is a major inconvenience, oh man, I really hate it
Such a drag, now… can’t eat, I can’t breathe, I can’t snore
I can’t belch or yodel anymore
Can’t spit or blow my nose or even read Sports Illustrated

Oh no
Why’d I have to go and get myself all mutilated? (yeah, yeah)
I gotta tell ya, life without a head kinda makes me irritated
What a bummer
Can’t blink, I can’t cough, I can’t sneeeze
But my neck is enjoyin’ a pleasant breeze now
Haven’t been the same since my head and I were separated
No no no

Source: Musixmatch

Daily Countdown: Weird Al Songs #45

#45

Bedrock Anthem

Title: “Bedrock Anthem”

Album: Alapalooza

Release: 1993

Parody: “Under the Bridge” and “Give It Away” by Red Hot Chili Peppers

Written: Chad Smith / John Frusciante / Anthony Kiedis / Michael Balzary / Alfred Yankovic

Genre: Funk rock

This is another TV show that Al honors in song as this time it is the Flintstones. There are voice clips from the Flintstones on the song.

Lyrics

Sometimes, I feel like I need a vacation
Sometimes, I feel like I wanna go to the city of cavemen, the city of Bedrock
I’d be a Flintstone, now, I’ll tell you why

Oh
Oh
Oh!

Well, I’ve got, I’ve got a woman named, Wilma
Well, I’ve got, I’ve got a baby named Pebbles
Well, I’ve got, I’ve got a doggy named Dino
We do a little bowling and we drink a little vino

Well, I’ve got a little buddy, Barney Rubble
Got a neighbor by the name of Barney Rubble
He’s a midget but, he makes a lot of trouble
Doesn’t like to shave, he got caveman stubble

Me and Barney, loyal order water buffalo
Lodge brothers, loyal order water buffalo
There’s a handshake everybody gotta know
How come grand Poo-Bah always gotta run the whole show?

Yabba-dabba-yabba-dabba-dabba do now
Yabba-dabba-yabba-dabba-dabba do now
Yabba-dabba-yabba-dabba-dabba do now
I get by on all my prehistoric know-how

Betty and Barney got a baby, named, Bamm-Bamm
Little Pebbles is his number one fan
He’s the strongest toddler in the whole land
Tear your arm off, if he’s shaking your hand

Got a car, gonna push it with my feet now
Gonna take my family out to eat now
Jumbo ribs at the drive-in can’t be beat now
Made from brontosaurus, baby, not a moo-cow

Wanna chill with a saber tooth tiger
Wear a loincloth, natural fiber
Be the first rolling stone subscriber
Got a pterodactyl for a windshield wiper

Yabba-dabba-yabba-dabba-dabba do now
Yabba-dabba-yabba-dabba-dabba do now
Yabba-dabba-yabba-dabba-dabba do now
Don’t know what it means, but I say it anyhow

Wilma, I’m home! Start serving dinner
And don’t spare the-
Oh, no, no, no! Don’t Dino, don’t!
Now take it easy, boy!

Lucky me, workin’ down in the gravel pit
Movin’ rocks, on a big dinosaur I sit
Mr. Slate gets mad, and he throws a fit
Pull the birdie’s tail, everybody knows it’s time to quit

I realize I’m living in the Stone Age
No fax, no cellular phone-age
Pick my teeth with a dinosaur bone-age
Liftin’ heavy boulders every day for my wage

Barney Rubble, laughin’ like a hyena
Barney Rubble, what a little wiener!
Where’s Wilma? Anybody seen her?
Got a baby elephant vacuum cleaner

Yabba-dabba-yabba-dabba-dabba do now
Yabba-dabba-yabba-dabba-dabba do now
Yabba-dabba-yabba-dabba-dabba do now
Yabba-dabba-yabba-dabba-dabba do now

Yabba-dabba-dabba do now
Yabba-dabba-dabba do now
Yabba-dabba-dabba do now
Yabba-dabba-dabba do now

Yabba-dabba-dabba do now
Yabba-dabba-dabba do now
(E-yabba-dabba-do)
Yabba-dabba-dabba do now
Yabba-dabba-dabba do now

Yabba-dabba-dabba do now
Yabba-dabba-dabba do now
(E-yabba-dabba-do)
Yabba-dabba-dabba do now
Yabba-dabba-dabba do now

Now, that’s alright
Oh, boy!

Source: Musixmatch