Tag Archives: life

Daily Countdown: Weird Al Songs #8

Posted on by

#8

Albuquerque

Title: “Albuquerque”

Album: Running With Scissors

Release: 1999

Style Pastiche: The Rugburns’ track “Dick’s Automotive.”

Genre: Hard-driving rock narrative

Length: 11 minutes and 23 sec.- longest song Weird Al ever officially released.

Topic: Albuquerque is the best place… and Weird Al hates sauerkraut.

This epic song is one of my absolute favorite songs. It is an absurdist piece of music with so much insanity squeezed into it. I saw Weird Al perform this life once and, during it, he came across the line where he said he “…lost his train of thought.” He then proceeded to restart the song to try and remember what he wanted to say. Absolutely hilarious. Of course, what he wanted to say was that “I HATE SAUERKRAUT!”

Lyrics

Way back when I was just a little bitty boy
Living in a box under the stairs
In the corner of the basement of the house
Half a block down the street from Jerry’s Bait shop
You know the place
Well anyway, back then life was going swell and everything was just peachy

Except, of course, for the undeniable fact that every single morning
My mother would make me a big ol’ bowl of sauerkraut for breakfast

Daww, big bowl of sauerkraut
Every single morning
It was driving me crazy

I said to my mom
I said “Hey, mom, what’s up with all the sauerkraut?”
And my dear, sweet mother
She just looked at me like a cow looks at an oncoming train
And she leaned right down next to me
And she said “It’s good for you”
And then she tied me to the wall and stuck a funnel in my mouth
And force fed me nothing but sauerkraut
Until I was twenty six and a half years old

That’s when I swore that someday
Someday I would get outta that basement and travel to a magical, far away place
Where the sun is always shining and the air smells like warm root beer
And the towels are oh so fluffy
Where the Shriners and the lepers play their ukuleles all day long
And anyone on the street will gladly shave your back for a nickel

Wacka wacka doo-doo yeah

Well, let me tell you, people, it wasn’t long at all before my dream came true
Because the very next day, a local radio station had this contest
To see who could correctly guess the number of molecules in Leonard Nimoy’s butt
I was off by three, but I still won the grand prize
That’s right, a first class one-way ticket to

Albuquerque
Albuquerque

Oh yeah
You know, I’d never been on a real airplane before
And I gotta tell ya, it was really great
Except that I had to sit between two large Albanian women
With excruciatingly severe body odor
And the little kid in back of me kept throwin’ up the whole time
The flight attendants ran out of Dr. Pepper and salted peanuts
And the in-flight movie was Bio-Dome with Pauly Shore
And, oh yeah, three of the airplane engines burned out
And we went into a tailspin and crashed into a hillside
And the plane exploded in a giant fireball and everybody died
Except for me
You know why?

‘Cause I had my tray table up
And my seat back in the full upright position
Had my tray table up
And my seat back in the full upright position
Had my tray table up
And my seat back in the full upright position

Ah ha ha ha
Ah ha ha
Ah

So I crawled from the twisted, burnin’ wreckage
I crawled on my hands and knees for three full days
Draggin’ along my big leather suitcase and my garment bag
And my tenor saxophone and my twelve-pound bowling ball
And my lucky, lucky autographed glow-in-the-dark snorkel
But finally I arrived at the world famous Albuquerque Holiday Inn
Where the towels are oh so fluffy
And you can eat your soup right out of the ashtrays if you wanna
It’s OK, they’re clean

Well, I checked into my room and I turned down the A/C
And I turned on the SpectraVision
And I’m just about to eat that little chocolate mint on my pillow
That I love so very, very much when suddenly, there’s a knock on the door

Well now, who could that be?
I say “Who is it?”
No answer
“Who is it?”
There’s no answer
“Who is it?”
They’re not sayin’ anything

So, finally I go over and I open the door and just as I suspected
It’s some big fat hermaphrodite with a Flock-Of-Seagulls haircut and only one nostril
Oh man, I hate it when I’m right
So anyway, he bursts into my room and he grabs my lucky snorkel
And I’m like “Hey, you can’t have that”
“That snorkel’s been just like a snorkel to me”
And he’s like “Tough”
And I’m like “Give it”
And he’s like “Make me”
And I’m like “‘Kay”
So I grabbed his leg and he grabbed my esophagus
And I bit off his ear and he chewed off my eyebrows
And I took out his appendix and he gave me a colonic irrigation
Yes indeed, you better believe it
And somehow in the middle of it all, the phone got knocked off the hook
And twenty seconds later, I heard a familiar voice
And you know what it said?
I’ll tell you what it said

It said
“If you’d like to make a call, please hang up and try again”
“If you need help, hang up and then dial your operator”
“If you’d like to make a call, please hang up and try again”
“If you need help, hang up and then dial your operator”

In Albuquerque
Albuquerque

Well, to cut a long story short, he got away with my snorkel
But I made a solemn vow right then and there that I would not rest
I would not sleep for an instant until the one-nostrilled man was brought to justice
But first, I decided to buy some donuts

So I got in my car and I drove over to the donuts shop
And I walked on up to the guy behind the counter
And he says “Yeah, what do ya want?”
I said “You got any glazed donuts?”
He said “No, we’re outta glazed donuts”
I said “Well, you got any jelly donuts?”
He said “No, we’re outta jelly donuts”
I said “You got any Bavarian cream-filled donuts?”
He said “No, we’re outta Bavarian cream-filled donuts”
I said “You got any cinnamon rolls?”
He said “No, we’re outta cinnamon rolls”
I said “You got any apple fritters?”
He said “No, we’re outta apple fritters”
I said “You got any bear claws?”
He said “Wait a minute, I’ll go check”

“No, we’re outta bear claws”
I said “Well, in that case, in that case, what do you have?”
He says “All I got right now is this box of one dozen starving, crazed weasels”
I said “OK, I’ll take that”

So he hands me the box and I open up the lid and the weasels jump out
And they immediately latch onto my face and start bitin’ me all over
Oh man, they were just going nuts
They were tearin’ me apart
You know, I think it was just about that time
That a little ditty started goin’ through my head
I believe it went a little something like this

Doh
Get ’em off me
Get ’em off me
Oh
No, get ’em off, get ’em off
Oh, oh God, oh God
Oh, get ’em off me
Oh, oh God
Ah, aah, aah

I ran out into the street with these flesh-eating weasels all over my face
Wavin’ my arms all around and just runnin’, runnin’, runnin’
Like a constipated wiener dog
And as luck would have it
That’s exactly when I ran into the girl of my dreams
Her name was Zelda
She was a calligraphy enthusiast
With a slight overbite and hair the color of strained peaches
I’ll never forget the very first thing she said to me
She said “Hey, you’ve got weasels on your face”

That’s when I knew it was true love
We were inseparable after that
Aw, we ate together, we bathed together
We even shared the same piece of mint-flavored dental floss
The world was our burrito
So we got married and we bought us a house
And had two beautiful children, Nathaniel and Superfly
Oh, we were so very very very happy, aw yeah

But then one fateful night, Zelda said to me
She said “Sweetie pumpkin? Do you wanna join the Columbia Record Club?”
I said “Whoa, hold on now, baby”
“I’m just not ready for that kind of a commitment”
So we broke up and I never saw her again
But that’s just the way things go

In Albuquerque
Albuquerque

Anyway, things really started lookin’ up for me
Because about a week later, I finally achieved my lifelong dream
That’s right, I got me a part-time job at The Sizzler
I even made employee of the month after I put out that grease fire with my face
Aw yeah, everybody was pretty jealous of me after that
I was gettin’ a lot of attitude

Ok, like one time, I was out in the parking lot
Tryin’ to remove my excess earwax with a golf pencil
When I see this guy Marty
Tryin’ to carry a big ol’ sofa up the stairs all by himself
So I, I say to him, I say “Hey, you want me to help you with that?”
And Marty, he just rolls his eyes and goes
“No, I want you to cut off my arms and legs with a chainsaw”

So I did

And then he gets all indignant on me
He’s like “Hey man, I was just being sarcastic”
Well, that’s just great
How was I supposed to know that?
I’m not a mind reader for cryin’ out loud
Besides, now he’s got a really cute nickname, Torso-Boy
So what’s he complaining about?

Say, that reminds me of another amusing anecdote
This guy comes up to me on the street
And he tells he hasn’t had a bite in three days
Well, I knew what he meant
But just to be funny, I took a big bite out of his jugular vein
And he’s yellin’ and screamin’ and bleeding all over
And I’m like “Hey, come on, don’t you get it?”
But he just keeps rolling around on the sidewalk, bleeding, and screaming
You know, completely missing the irony of the whole situation
Man, some people just can’t take a joke, you know?

Anyway, um, um, where was I?
Kinda lost my train of thought

Uh, well, uh, OK
Anyway I, I know it’s kinda been a roundabout way of saying it
But I guess the whole point I’m tryin’ to make here is

I hate sauerkraut

That’s all I’m really tryin’ to say
And, by the way, if one day you happen to wake up
And find yourself in an existential quandary
Full of loathing and self-doubt
And wracked with the pain and isolation of your pitiful meaningless existence
At least you can take a small bit of comfort in knowing that
Somewhere out there in this crazy ol’ mixed-up universe of ours
There’s still a little place called

Albuquerque
Albuquerque
Albuquerque, Albuquerque
Albuquerque, Albuquerque
Albuquerque, Albuquerque
Albuquerque, Albuquerque

I said “A” (A)
“L” (L)
“B” (B)
“U” (U)
“Querque” (querque)

Albuquerque, Albuquerque, Albuquerque, Albuquerque
Albuquerque, Albuquerque, Albuquerque, Albuquerque
Albuquerque, Albuquerque, Albuquerque, Albuquerque
Albuquerque, Albuquerque, Albuquerque, Albuquerque

Albuquerque

Source: LyricFind

Weird Al had lyrics on the inside of his albums, but for “Albuquerque” he said that there wasn’t enough room left for the lyrics.

Daily Countdown: Weird Al Songs #9

Posted on by

#9

Skipper Dan

Title: “Skipper Dan”

Album: Alpocalypse

Released: 2009

Written: Al Yankovic

Style Pastiche: Weezer

Genre: Pop/Rock

Topic: classically trained, aspiring actor who finds himself stuck working as a Jungle Cruise tour guide at Disneyland, reciting the ride’s notoriously corny, dated jokes -Wikipedia

This song’s path to the top 10 is a strange one. When I first heard this song, I thought it was kind of boring and I was not a fan. Somehow, it started growing on me. I’m not sure what it was that brought me to the point of having it in the Top 10 Weird A songs of all time, but I love it now. The story of the song is probably the key, and it is one of the least “humorous” songs of Al’s oeuvre. It is more of a tragic song than a funny one and, because of that, Skipper Dan stands out among Al’s originals.

Lyrics

I starred in every high school play
Blew every drama teacher away
I graduated first in my class at Juilliard
Took every acting workshop I could
And I dreamed of Hollywood
While I read my Uta Hagen and studied the Bard

Hit the boards and paid my dues
And got phenomenal rave reviews
I knew the world was gonna love me, without a doubt
I was sure that Tarantino would be callin’ me on the phone
Annie Leibovitz would shoot me for Rolling Stone
But the years have come and gone
And I’m sorry to say that’s not the way that it’s all worked out

I’m a tour guide on the Jungle Cruise ride
Skipper Dan is the name
And I’m doin’ 34 shows every day
And every time it’s the same
Look at those hippos, they’re wigglin’ their ears
Just like they’ve done for the last 50 years
Now I’m laughin’ at my own jokes but I’m cryin’ inside
Cause I’m workin’ on the Jungle Cruise ride

Oh, the critics, they used to say
I was the new Olivier
Thought I’d be the toast of Sundance or maybe Cannes
Aw, but don’t bother tryin’ to IMDB me
The only place you might possibly see me
Is ridin’ my little boat around Adventureland
It ain’t exactly what I planned

But I’m a tour guide on the Jungle Cruise ride
Skipper Dan is the name
And I’m doin 34 shows every day
And every time it’s the same
I would’ve killed if I’d been in “Speed The Plow”
But what’s the difference, that’s all behind me now
Cause I’m payin’ the rent and I’m swallowin my pride
And I’m workin’ on the Jungle Cruise ride

I should be there on Broadway
Knockin’ ’em dead in “12 Angry Men”
But instead I’m here tellin’ these lame jokes
Again and again and again and again and again and again and again

Bengal Tigers can jump over 20 feet!
That’s an African bull elephant
And there it is, the backside of water!
What have I done with my life?!

I should a listened when my grandfather said
“Why don’t you major in business instead?”
Now my hopes have all vanished and my dreams have all died
And I’ll probably work forever as a tour guide on the Jungle Cruise ride
Skipper Dan is the name
And I’m doin’ 34 shows every day
And every time it’s the same
Look at those hippos, they’re wigglin their ears
Somebody shoot me cause I’m bored to tears
Always said I’d be famous… I guess that I lied
Cause I’m workin’ on the Jungle Cruise ride
I’m still workin’ on the Jungle Cruise ride

Source: Musixmatch

Daily Countdown: Weird Al Songs #11

Posted on by

#11

First World Problems

Title: “First World Problems”

Album: Mandatory Fun

Released: 2014

Written: Al Yankovic

Style Pastiche: The Pixies

Topic: The privilege of current world items

Lyrics

My maid is cleaning the bathroom, so I can’t take a shower
When I do, the water starts getting cold after an hour
I couldn’t order off the breakfast menu, cause I slept in till two
Then I filled up on bread, didn’t leave any room for tiramisu
Oh no, there’s a pixel out in the corner of my laptop screen
I don’t have any bills in my wallet small enough for the vending machine
Some idiot just called me up on the phone, what!? Don’t they know how to text? OMG!
I got

First world, first world problems
(First world problems)
First world, first world problems
(First world problems)
First world, first world problems

I bought too many groceries for my refrigerator
Forgot my gardener’s name, I’ll have to ask him later
Tried to fast forward commercials, can’t, I’m watching live T.V
I’m pretty sure the cookies in this airport lounge ain’t gluten free
My barista didn’t even bother to make a design in the foam on the top of my vanilla latte

First world, first world problems
(First world problems)
First world, first world problems
(First world problems)
First world, first world problems

Can’t remember which car I drove to the mall
My Sonicare won’t recharge, now I gotta brush my teeth like a neanderathal
The thread count on these cotton sheets has got me itching
My house is so big, I can’t get WiFi in the kitchen
Uh, I had to buy something I didn’t even need just
So I could qualify for free shipping on Amazon

First world, first world problems
(First world problems)
First world, first world problems
(First world problems)
First world, first world problems
(First world problems)

First world, first world problems
(First world problems)
First world, first world problems
(First world problems)
First world, first world problems

Source: LyricFind

Daily Countdown: Weird Al Songs #15

Posted on by

#15

Polkamania

Title: “Polkamania”

Album: None; released online

Released: 2024

Genre: Polka/Comedy

Written:  Adele Laurie Blue Adkins / Al Yankovic / Ariana Grande / Attticus Matthew Ross / Austin J. Owens / Belcalis Almanzar / Billie Eilish O’Connell / Charles K. Wilson / Charles Michael Anderson / Daniel Nigro / Devon Christopher Gallaspy / Edward Christopher Sheeran / Er

Songs: “Bad Guy,” “Hello,” “Flowers,” “We Don’t Talk About Bruno,” “Vampire,” “Old Town Road,” “Despacito,” “Shape of You,” “Uptown Funk,” “WAP,” “Thank U, Next,” “Shake It Off”

They may be some recency bias involved in this one, as Polkamania is the most recent song Weird Al has put out. However, it is an epic polka that has spanned the years after the release of Mandatory Fun with some of the best songs of that period. It also shows how starved I was for new Weird Al song content.

Lyrics

So you’re a tough guy                                                                     
Like it really rough guy                                                                                
Just can’t get enough guy                                                              
Chest always so puffed guy                                                           
I’m that bad type                                                                  
Make your mama sad type                                                 
Make your girlfriend mad type                                                       
Might seduce your dad type                                                           
I’m the bad guy
Duh                                                                 
                                                                                                            
(Adele / Hello)
So hello from the other side                                                                                   
I must’ve called a thousand times                                     
To tell you I’m sorry for breaking your heart                                
But it don’t matter, it clearly doesn’t tear you apart                    
Anymore
 
(Miley Cyrus / Flowers)
I can buy myself flowers                                                                 
Write my name in the sand                                                
Talk to myself for hours                                                                  
Say things you don’t understand                                                   
I can take myself dancing                                                               
And I can hold my own hand                                                                     
Yeah, I can love me better than you can                         
 
(Cast of Encanto / Lin-Manuel Miranda / We Don’t Talk About Bruno
We don’t talk about Bruno, no, no, no                                          
We don’t talk about Bruno                                                  
 
(Olivia Rodrigo / Vampire)
I used to think I was smart                                                 
But you made me look so naïve                                                                
The way you sold me for parts                                                      
You sunk your teeth into me, oh                                       
Bloodsucker, dream crusher                                              
Bleedin’ me dry, like a gosh darn vampire                                   
 
(Lil Nas X / Old Town Road)
Yeah, I’m gonna take my horse to the old town road                            
I’m gonna ride ’til I can’t no more                                      
I’m gonna take my horse to the old town road                            
I’m gonna ride ’til I can’t no more                          
Can’t nobody tell me nothing                                                         
(You can’t tell me nothing) No!                                                      
Can’t nobody tell me nothing                                                         
 

Despacito                                                                              
Quiero respirar tu cuello despacito                                               
Deja que te diga cosas al oído                                                      
Para que te acuerdes si no estás conmigo                                 
(Sube, sube, sube)

Mmm
I’m in love with the shape of you                                                               
We push and pull like a magnet do                                              
Every day discovering something brand new                             
I’m in love with your body                                                   
Oh I oh I oh I oh I                                                     
I’m in love with your body                                                   
Oh I oh I oh I oh I                                                     
Yoda-loda lady hoo!                                                            

‘Cause uptown funk gon’ give it to you                                         
‘Cause uptown funk gon’ give it to you                                         
Saturday night and we in the spot                                                
Don’t believe me just watch (hey!)                                                
(Doo doo doo, doo doo doo)                                              
 
(Cardi B feat. Megan Thee Stallion / WAP)
I want you to park that big Mack truck right in this little garage
Yeah, you messing with some
Bring a bucket and a mop for this
Give me everything you got for this
I’m talking WAP, WAP, WAP, that’s some
                                                                                                                                                            
(Ariana Grande / Thank U, Next)
Thank you, next                                                                   
Thank you, next                                                                   
Thank you, next                                                                   
I’m so super grateful for my ex                                                      
Thank you, next                                                                   
Thank you, next                                                                   
Thank you, next                                                                   
Super-duper grateful for my ex                                                      
 
(Taylor Swift / Shake It Off)
Wait!
I just killed my ex 
Not the best idea 
Killed his girlfriend next, how’d I get here?
I just killed my ex 
I still love him, though 
Rather be in hell than all alone
                                                            

I stay out too late                                                                 
Got nothing in my brain                                                                   
That’s what people say, mm-mm                                      
That’s what people say, mm-mm                                      
‘Cause the players gonna play, play, play, play, play                
And the haters gonna hate, hate, hate, hate, hate                    
Baby, I’m just gonna shake, shake, shake, shake, shake                    
I shake it off, I shake it off (hoo-hoo-hoo)                                                
Heartbreakers gonna break, break, break, break, break                      
And the fakers gonna fake, fake, fake, fake, fake                                  
Baby, I’m just gonna shake, shake, shake, shake, shake                    
I shake it off, I shake it off                                                  
That’s right, I’m gonna                                                                
Shake it                                                                              
Off (Gonna shake it off)                                                                              
(Shake, shake, shake it off)                                                           
(Now watch me shake it off)                                                           
Hey!”

Source: LyricFind

Daily Countdown: Weird Al Songs #18

Posted on by

#18

Happy Birthday

Title: “Happy Birthday”

Album: “Weird Al” Yankovic

Released: 1983

Written: Al Yankovic

Style: New wave/Punk rock pastiche

Topic: Wishing happy birthday while discussing all the worst things on the earth.

I love this song. I play it every year for my birthday and I have sent it to several people over Facebook or other social media platform.

“And a pinch to grow an inch!”

Lyrics

Happy birthday
Happy birthday to you
Happy birthday
Happy birthday to you

Well, it’s time to celebrate your birthday, it happens every year
We’ll eat a lot of broccoli and drink a lot of beer
You should be good and happy that there’s something you can eat
A million people every day are starving in the street

Your daddy’s in the gutter with the wretched and the poor
Your mama’s in the kitchen with a can of Cycle Four
There’s garbage in the water
There’s poison in the sky
I guess it won’t be long before we’re all gonna die

Happy birthday
Happy birthday to you
Happy birthday
Happy birthday to you

Well, what’s the matter little friend? You think this party is the pits?
Enjoy it while you can, we’ll soon be blown to bits
The monkeys in the Pentagon are gonna cook our goose
Their finger’s on the button, all they need is an excuse

It doesn’t take a military genius to see
We’ll all be crispy critters after World War III
There’s nowhere you can run to, nowhere you can hide
When they drop the big one, we all get fried
Come on, boys and girls, sing along, okay?

Happy birthday
Happy birthday to you
Happy birthday
Happy birthday to you (wow!)

Well, there’s a punk in the alley and he’s looking for a fight
There’s an Arab on the corner buying everything in sight
There’s a mother in the ghetto with another mouth to feed
Seems that everywhere you look today there’s misery and greed

I guess you know the earth is gonna crash into the sun
But that’s no reason why we shouldn’t have a little fun
So if you think it’s scary, if it’s more than you can take
Just blow out the candles and have a piece of cake

Happy birthday
Happy birthday to you
Happy birthday
Happy birthday to you (wow!)

Happy birthday
Happy birthday to you
Happy birthday
Happy birthday to you

And a pinch to grow an inch!

Source: Musixmatch

Daily Countdown: Weird Al Songs #20

Posted on by

#20

It’s All About the Pentiums

Title: “It’s All About the Pentiums”

Album: Running With Scissors

Released: 1999

Parody: “It’s All About the Benjamins” by Puff Daddy

Written: Sean Combs / Kimberly Jones / David Styles / Sean Jacobs / Jason Phillips / Christopher Wallace / Terry M. Etlinger / Linda Laurie / Deric Angelettie / Al Yankovic

Genre: Rap/Comedy

Topic: Computers

We enter the Top 20 of the Top 100 with one of Weird Al’s first examples of his skill in rapping.

Lyrics

It’s all about the Pentiums, baby
Uhh, uh-huh, yeah
Uhh, uh-huh, yeah
It’s all about the Pentiums, baby
It’s all about the Pentiums, baby
It’s all about the Pentiums! (it’s all about the Pentiums, baby)
It’s all about the Pentiums! (it’s all about the Pentiums, baby)
Yeah

What y’all wanna do?
Wanna be hackers? Code crackers? Slackers
Wastin’ time with all the chatroom yakkers?
Nine to five, chillin’ at Hewlett Packard?
Workin’ at a desk with a dumb little placard?
Yeah, payin’ the bills with my mad programming skills
Defraggin’ my hard drive for thrills
I got me a hundred gigabytes of RAM
I never feed trolls and I don’t read spam
Installed a T1 line in my house
Always at my PC, double-clickin’ on my mizouse
Upgrade my system at least twice a day
I’m strictly plug-and-play, I ain’t afraid of Y2K
I’m down with Bill Gates, I call him Money for short
I phone him up at home and I make him do my tech support
It’s all about the Pentiums, what?
You’ve gotta be the dumbest newbie I’ve ever seen
You’ve got white-out all over your screen
You think your Commodore 64 is really neato
What kinda chip you got in there, a Dorito?
You’re usin’ a 286? Don’t make me laugh
Your Windows boots up in what, a day and a half?
You could back up your whole hard drive on a floppy diskette
You’re the biggest joke on the Internet
Your database is a disaster
You’re waxin’ your modem, tryin’ to make it go faster
Hey fella, I bet you’re still livin’ in your parents’ cellar
Downloadin’ pictures of Sarah Michelle Gellar
And postin’ “Me too!” like some brain-dead AOL-er
I should do the world a favor and cap you like Old Yeller
You’re just about as useless as jpegs to Hellen Keller

It’s all about the Pentiums! (it’s all about the Pentiums, baby)
It’s all about the Pentiums! (it’s all about the Pentiums, baby)
It’s all about the Pentiums! (it’s all about the Pentiums, baby)
It’s all about the Pentiums! (it’s all about the Pentiums, baby)

Now, what y’all wanna do?
Wanna be hackers? Code crackers? Slackers
Wastin’ time with all the chatroom yakkers?
Nine to five, chillin’ at Hewlett Packard?

Uh, uh, loggin’ in now
Wanna run wit my crew, hah?
Rule cyberspace and crunch numbers like I do?
They call me the king of the spreadsheets
Got ’em all printed out on my bedsheets
My new computer’s got the clocks, it rocks
But it was obsolete before I opened the box
You say you’ve had your desktop for over a week?
Throw that junk away, man, it’s an antique
Your laptop is a month old? Well that’s great
If you could use a nice, heavy paperweight
My digital media is write-protected
Every file inspected, no viruses detected
I beta tested every operating system
Gave props to some, and others? I dissed ’em
While your computer’s crashin’, mine’s multitaskin’
It does all my work without me even askin’
Got a flat-screen monitor forty inches wide
I believe that your says “Etch-A-Sketch” on the side
In a 32-bit world, you’re a 2-bit user
You’ve got your own newsgroup, alt.total-loser
Your motherboard melts when you try to send a fax
Where’d you get your CPU, in a box of Cracker Jacks?
Play me online? Well, you know that I’ll beat you
If I ever meet you I’ll control-alt-delete you
What? What? What? What? What?

It’s all about the Pentiums! (it’s all about the Pentiums, baby)
It’s all about the Pentiums! (it’s all about the Pentiums, baby)
It’s all about the Pentiums! (it’s all about the Pentiums, baby)
It’s all about the Pentiums! (it’s all about the Pentiums, baby)

Now, what y’all wanna do?
Wanna be hackers? Code crackers? Slackers
Wastin’ time with all the chatroom yakkers?
Nive to five, chillin’ at Hewlett Packard?
What?

Source: Musixmatch

Daily Countdown: Weird Al Songs#23

Posted on by

#23

Angry White Boy Polka

Title: “Angry White Boy Polka”

Album: Poodle Hat

Released: 2003

Genre: Polka/Comedy

Written: Alfred Matthew Yankovic / Jerry Allan Horton / Tobin Esperance / Dave Buckner / Jacoby Dakota Shaddix

Songs included: “Last Resort,” “Chop Suey,” “Get Free,” “Hate To Say I Told You So,” “Fell In Love With A Girl,” “Last Nite,” “Down With The Sickness,” “Renegades Of Funk,” “My Way,” “Outside,” “Bawitdaba,” “Youth Of The Nation,” and “The Real Slim Shady.”

I am not sure that I had ever heard any of these songs prior to the polka, so it is always fun when I happen to hear a lyric from a song and i think, “Hey, that’s Weird Al’s song!”

Lyrics

Cut my life into pieces
This is my last resort
Suffocation, no breathing
Don’t give a- if I cut my arm bleeding
This is my last resort

‘Cause I’m losing my sight, losing my mind
Wish somebody would tell me I’m fine
Losing my sight, losing my mind
Wish somebody would tell me I’m fine
Nothing’s all right, nothing is fine
I’m running and a-crying

Wake up (Wake up)
Grab a brush and put a little make-up
Hide the scars to fade away the shakeup
Why’d you leave the keys upon the table?
Here you go create another fable
You wanted to
Grab a brush and put a little makeup
You wanted to
Hide the scars to fade away the shakeup
You wanted to
Why’d you leave the keys upon the table?
You wanted to
I don’t think you trust
In my self-righteous suicide
I cry when angels deserve to die, die, die
D-d-die die die die die

Hey
I’m gonna get free
I’m gonna get free
I’m gonna get free
Ride into the sun
She never loved me
She never loved me
She never loved me
Why should anyone?
Come here, come here, come here I’ll take your photo for ya
Come here, come here, come here Drive you around the corner
Come here, come here, come here You know you really oughta
Come here, come here, come here Move out to California

Do what I want ’cause I can
If I don’t because I wanna
Be ignored by the stiff and the bored
Because I’m gonna
Hate to say I told you so (all right)
Do believe I told you so
Now it’s all out and you knew
‘Cause I wanted to

Fell in love with a girl
I fell in love at once and almost completely
She’s in love with the world
But sometimes these feelings can be so misleading
Can’t think of anything to do
Yeah, my left brain knows that all love is fleeting
She’s just looking for something new
Yeah, I said it once before but it bears repeating, now

Last night, she said
“Oh baby, don’t you feel so down” (feel so down)
“When you turn me off
“When I feel left out”
So I (what’d you do?)
Well, I turned around (right around)
“Oh, baby, gonna be alright” (gonna be alright)
It was a great big lie (big old lie)
‘Cause I left that night
Yeah

Ooh ah ah ah ah
Ooh ah ah ah ah
Get up
Come on get down with the sickness
Get up
Come on get down with the sickness
Get up
Come on get down with the sickness
Open up your hate and let it flow into me
Get up
Come on get down with the sickness
You mother get up
Come on get down with the sickness
Get up
Come on get down with the sickness
Madness is the gift that has been given to me

We’re the renegades of funk
We’re the renegades of funk
We’re the renegades of funk
We’re the renegades of funk
This time I’m’a let it all come out
This time I’m’a stand up and shout
I’m a do things my way
It’s my way
My way or the highway
This time I’m’a let it all come out
This time I’m’a stand up and shout
I’m a do things my way
It’s my way
Or the highway

But I’m on the outside
I’m looking in
I can see through you
See your true colors
‘Cause inside you’re ugly
Ugly like me
I can see through you
See to the real you

Bawitdaba da bang da dang diggy diggy
Diggy said the boogie said up jump the boogie
Bawitdaba da bang da dang diggy diggy
Diggy said the boogie said up jump the boogie

We are, we are
The youth of the nation
We are, we are
The youth of the nation

We are, we are
The youth of the nation
We are the youth of the nation Hey

I’m Slim Shady, yes I’m the real Shady
All you other Slim Shadys are just imitating
So won’t the real Slim Shady please stand up
Please stand up
Please stand up

I’m Slim Shady, yes I’m the real Shady
All you other Slim Shadys are just imitating
So won’t the real Slim Shady please
Please, please stand up

Slim Shady won’t you please stand up?
(Stand up Shady)(Stand up)
(Stand up Shady)(Stand up)
Shady, won’t you please stand up?
Hey

Source: Musixmatch

Daily Countdown: Weird Al Songs #24

Posted on by

#24

Ebay

Title: “Ebay”

Album: Poodle Hat

Released: 2003

Parody: “I Want It That Way” by Backstreet Boys

Written: Martin Karl Sandberg / Andreas Michael Carlsson / Al Yankovic

Style: Pop/Comedy

Topic: an obsessive shopper and the online website, eBay.

The song ends with several “EEEEE”s after the ending of the official lyrics. It is a very funny bit and the parody hits too close to home as I do love me some eBay.

Lyrics

Yeah

A used pink bathrobe
A rare mint snow globe
A Smurf TV tray
I bought on eBay

My house is filled with this crap
Shows up in bubble wrap
Most every day
What I bought on eBay

Tell me why I need another pet rock
Tell me why I got that elf alarm clock
Tell me why I bid on Shatner’s old toupee
They had it on eBay

I’ll buy your knick-knack
Just check my feedback
A plus-plus, they all say
They love me on eBay

Gonna buy a slightly damaged golf bag
Gonna buy some beanie babies, new with tag
From some guy I’ve never met in Norway
Found him on Ebay

I am the type who is liable to snipe you
With two seconds left to go, whoa
Got PayPal or Visa, whatever’ll please ya
As long as I’ve got the dough

I’ll buy your Tchotchkes
Sell me your watch, please
I’ll buy (I’ll buy, I’ll buy, I’ll buy)
I’m highest bidder

Junk keeps arriving in the mail (now, yeah)
From that worldwide garage sale (Dukes of Hazard ashtray)
Hey, a Dukes of Hazard ashtray (oh, yeah)
I bought it on eBay

Wanna buy a Pac-Man Fever lunchbox
Wanna buy a case of Vintage tube socks
Wanna buy a Kleenex used by Dr. Dre (used by Dr. Dre)
Found it on eBay

Wanna buy that Farrah Fawcet poster
Pez dispensers and a toaster
Don’t know why
The kind of stuff you’d throw away (away I throw)
I’ll buy on eBay

What I bought on eBay

Source: Musixmatch

Daily Countdown: Weird Al Songs #29

Posted on by

#29

The Alternative Polka

Title: “The Alternative Polka”

Album: Bad Hair Day

Released: 1996

Genre: Polka/Comedy

Written:  Ivonil Machado Da Silva / Paula Stefanovich/Al Yankovic

Songs in Medley: “Loser,” “Sex Type Thing,” “All I Want to Do,” “Closer,” “Bang & Blame,” “You Oughta Know,” “Bullet with Butterfly Wings,” “Buddy Holly,” “My Friends,” “I’ll Stick Around,” “Black Hole Sun,” “Basket Case.”

Lyrics

Soy un perdedor! I’m a loser, baby!
So why don’t you kill me? Everybody!
Soy un perdedor! I’m a loser, baby!
So why don’t you kill me? HEY!

I am, I am, I am
I said I wanna get next to you
I said I’m gonna get close to you
You wouldn’t want me have to hurt you too
Hurt you too
I know you want what’s on my mind
I know you like what’s on my mind
I know it eats you up inside
I know, you know, you know, you know
Here I come, I come, I come, I come
Here I come, I come, I come, I come

‘Cause all I wanna do is have some fun
I’ve got a feeling I’m not the only one
All I wanna do is have some fun
I’ve got a feeling I’m not the only one
All I wanna do is have some fun
Until the sun comes up
Over Santa Monica Boulevard

HELP ME! I broke apart my insides
HELP ME! I got no soul to sell
HELP ME! The only thing that works for me
Help me get away from myself
I wanna (BOING) you like an animal
I wanna feel you from the inside
I wanna (BOING) you like an animal
My whole existence is flawed
You get me closer to god hey! Hey! Hey!

You bang, bang, bang, bang, bang
Blame, blame, blame
You bang, bang, bang, bang, bang
It’s not my thing so let it go!

‘Cause that love that you gave that we made
Wasn’t able to make it enough
For you to be open wide, no
And every time you speak her name
Does she know how you told me you’d hold me
Until you die, ’til you die
But you’re still alive
And I’m here to remind you
Of the mess you left when you went away
It’s not fair to deny me of the cross
I bare that you gave to me you oughta know
HEY!

Despite all my rage
I am still just a rat in a cage
Despite all my rage
I am still just a rat in a cage
And someone will say what is
Lost can never be saved despite all my rage
I am still just a rat in a cage

I love all of you hurt by the cold
So hard and lonely too
When you don’t know yourself

I don’t owe you anything!
I don’t owe you anything!
I don’t owe you anything!
I don’t owe you anything!

Black hole sun won’t you come
And wash away the rain black hole sun
Won’t you come, won’t you come
Black hole sun, black hole sun
Won’t you come
Black hole sun, black hole sun
Won’t you come
Black hole sun, black hole sun

Do you have the time to listen to me whine
About nothing and everything all at once?
I am one of those melodramatic fools
Neurotic to the bone no doubt about it
Sometimes I give myself the creeps
Sometimes my mind plays tricks on me
It all keeps all adding up
I think I’m cracking up
And am I just Paranoid am I just stoned?
Or am I just stoned?

Source: LyricFind

Daily Countdown: Weird Al Songs #32

Posted on by

#32

UHF

Title: “UHF”

Album: UHF

Released: 1989

Written: Al Yankovic

Genre: Rock

Style Parody: The Jackson’s “State of Shock” (featuring Mick Jagger)

Title track to Weird Al’s first motion picture, UHF, which flopped at the box office, but reached cult classic level over the years since.

Lyrics

Put down your remote control, throw out your TV Guide
Put away your jacket, there’s no need to go outside
Don’t you know that we control the horizontal
We control the vertical too
We gonna make a couch potato out of you
That’s what we going to do now

Don’t change the channel, don’t touch that dial
We got it all on UHF
Kick off your sneakers, stick around for a while
We got it all on UHF (on UHF)
Don’t worry ’bout your laundry, forget about your job (ah)
Just crank up the volume and yank off the knob (ah)
We got it all (we got it all), we got it all on UHF

Disconnect the phone and leave the dishes in the sink
You better put away your homework, prime time ain’t no time to think
All you do is make yourself a TV dinner
Press your face right up against the screen

We gonna show you things you ain’t ever seen
If you know what I mean, now

Don’t change the channel, don’t touch that dial
We got it all on UHF
Kick off your sneakers, stick around for a while
We got it all on UHF (on UHF)
Don’t worry ’bout your laundry, forget about your job (ah)
Just crank up the volume and yank off the knob (ah)
We got it all (we got it all), we got it all on UHF

You can watch us all day, you can watch us all night (ooh)
You can watch us any time that you please (ooh)
You can sit around and stare at the picture tube
‘Til your brain turns into cottage cheese, well, now

Don’t change the channel, don’t touch that dial
We got it all on UHF
Kick off your sneakers, stick around for a while
We got it all on UHF (on UHF)
Don’t worry ’bout your laundry, forget about your job (ah)
You gotta crank up the volume and yank off the knob (ah)
We got it all (we got it all), we got it all on UHF

We got it all on UHF (UHF)
We got it all on UHF (UHF)
We got it all on UHF (UHF)
We got it all on UHF (UHF)

We got it all on UHF (we got it all)
We got it all on UHF (UHF)
We got it all on UHF (we got it all)
We got it all on UHF (we got it all, we got it)

We got it all on UHF (we got it, we got it all)
We got it all on UHF (we got it all)
We got it all on UHF (ooh, on UHF)
We got it all on UHF

Source: Musixmatch

Daily Countdown Weird Al Songs #33

Posted on by

#33

I Love Rocky Road

Title: “I Love Rocky Road”

Album: “Weird Al” Yankovic

Release: 1983

Parody: I Love Rock ‘n’ Roll by Joan Jett and the Blackhearts

Written: Jake Hooker / Alan Merrill / Alfred Yankovic

Genre: Rock ‘n’ Roll/Comedy

Topic: The love of ice cream, especially Rocky Road.

Special Appearance: “Musical” Mike Kieffer

Lyrics

I hear those ice cream bells and I start to drool
Keep a couple quarts in my locker at school
Yeah, but chocolate’s gettin’ old
Vanilla just leaves me cold

There’s just one flavor good enough for me, yeah me
Don’t gimme no crummy taste spoon
I know what I need

Baby, I love rocky road
So, weren’t you gonna buy half a gallon, baby?
I love rocky road
So, have another triple scoop with me, ow

They tell me ice cream junkies are all the same
All the soda jerkers know my name
When their supply is gone then I’ll be movin’ on
But I’ll be back on Monday afternoon, you’ll see
Another truck load’s comin’ in for me, all for me
I’m singin’

I love rocky road
So, weren’t you gonna buy half a gallon, baby?
I love rocky road
So, have another triple scoop with me, ow

Oh, make it talk

When I’m all alone, I just grab myself a cone
And if I get fat and lose my teeth that’s fine with me
Just lock me in the freezer and throw away the key
Singing

I love rocky road
So, weren’t you gonna buy half a gallon, baby?
I love rocky road
So, have another triple scoop with me

I love rocky road
So, weren’t you gonna buy half a gallon, baby?
I love rocky road
So, have another triple scoop with

I love rocky road
So, weren’t you gonna buy half a gallon, baby?
I love rocky road
So, have another triple scoop with

I love rocky road
So, weren’t you gonna buy half a gallon, baby?
I love rocky road
So, have another triple scoop with me

Source: Musixmatch

Daily Countdown: Weird Al Songs #34

Posted on by

#34

Polka Face

Title: “Polka Face”

Album: Alpocalypse

Released: 2010

Genre: Polka/Comedy

Written:  Adam Young / Alecia Beth Moore / Allan Peter Grigg / Benjamin Levin / Brandon Roy Melancon / Breyon Prescott / Cathy Dennis / Charles Burgess Kelley / Christopher A Stewart / Christopher Brian Bridges / Christopher M Henderson / Cristina Flores / David Wesley Haywood / Dwayne Carter / Edmund Koestscher / Faheem Najm / Fraser Lance Thorneycroft Smith / Gaetano Lama / Hillary Dawn Scott / Jacob Milan Taio Cruz / James Thomas Brown / Jamie Foxx / Jared Lincoln Cotter / Jason Joel Desrouleaux / Jay Sean / Jeremy David Skaller / Johan/Al Yankovic

Songs included: “Liechtensteiner Polka,” “Poker Face,” “Womanizer,” “Right Round,” “Day ‘n’ Nite,” “Need You Now,” “Baby,” “So What,” “I Kissed a Girl,” “Fireflies,” “Blame It,” “Replay,” “Down,” “Break Your Heart,” “Tick Tock Polka,” and “TikTok.”

Lyrics

Mum mum mum mah
Mum mum mum muh
Oh whoa oh oh oh

Can’t read my, can’t read my
No, he can’t read-a my polka face
(She’s got to love nobody)
Can’t read my, can’t read my
No he can’t read-a my polka face
(She’s got to love nobody)
P-p-p-polka face p-p-polka face (Mum mum mum muh)
P-p-p-polka face p-p-polka face, hey

Womanizer, woman-womanizer, you’re a womanizer
Oh, womanizer, oh, you’re a womanizer baby
You, you, you are
You, you, you are
Womanizer, womanizer, womanizer
(Womanizer)

Boy don’t try to front
I, I know just what you are (are are)
Boy don’t try to front
I, I know just what you are (are are)

You say I’m crazy
I got your crazy
You’re nothing but a
Womanizer

You spin my head right round, right round
When you go down, when you go down down
You spin my head right round, right round
When you go down, when you go down

Day and night
The lonely stoner seems to free his mind at night
He’s all alone through the day and night
The lonely loner seems to free his mind at night
At, at, at night

It’s a quarter after one, I’m a little drunk and I need you now
Said I wouldn’t call but I’ve lost all control and I need you now
And I don’t know how I can do without
I just need you now

And I was like baby baby baby
Baby baby baby
Baby baby baby
I thought you’d always be mine

So, so what, I’m still a rock star
I got my rock moves and I don’t need you
And guess what, I’m havin’ more fun
And now that we’re done, I’m gonna show you tonight
I’m alright, I’m just fine and you’re a tool
So, so what, I am a rock star
I got my rock moves and I don’t want you tonight

I kissed a girl and I liked it,
The taste of her cherry chapstick
I kissed a girl just to try it,
I hope my boyfriend don’t mind it
It felt so wrong, it felt so right,
Don’t mean I’m in love tonight
I kissed a girl and I liked it, I liked it

And I’d like to make myself believe
That planet earth turns slowly
It’s hard to say that I’d rather stay
Awake when I’m asleep
‘Cause everything is never as it seems

Blame it on the goose, gotcha feeling loose
Blame it on the ‘tron, gotchya me in the zone
Blame it on the a-a-a-a-a-alcohol
Blame it on the a-a-a-a-a-alcohol
Blame it on the vodka, blame it on the Henny
Blame it on the blue tap, got you feeling dizzy
Blame it on the a-a-a-a-a-alcohol
Blame it on the a-a-a-a-a-alcohol

Shawty’s like a melody in my head
That I can’t keep out
Got me singin’ like
Na na na na everyday
It’s like my iPod stuck on replay
Stuck on replay
Stuck on replay
Replay
Replay-ay-ay-ay

Baby, are you down, down, down, down, down?
Baby are you down?

I’m only gonna break break your break break your heart
I’m only gonna break break your break break your heart
I’m only gonna break break your break break your heart
I’m only gonna break your heart

Don’t stop, making pop
DJ blow my speakers up
Tonight, I’mma fight
Till we see the sun light
Tick tock, on the clock
But the polka don’t stop (no)
Yodel-yodel-lady-hoo
Yodel-yodel-lady-hoo

P-p-p-polka face p-p-polka face (mum mum mum mah)
P-p-p-polka face p-p-polka face
Oh no you can’t read my p-p-polka face
Talk about my polka face
P-p-p-polka face

Source: LyricFind

Daily Countdown: Weird Al Songs #36

Posted on by

#36

Don’t Download This Song

Title: “Don’t Download This Song”

Album: Straight Outta Lynwood

Released: 2006

Written: Al Yankovic

Genre: Comedy pop/Gospel

Style Pastiche: “We Are the World”, “Voices That Care”, “Hands Across America”, “Heal the World” and other similar charity songs

Topic: The illegal downloading of music from the internet

One of the more out of date Weird Al songs, Don’t Download This Song is still a personal favorite. Even with the song involving things that are not things anymore, this is funny and a great musical song.

Lyrics

Once in a while maybe you will feel the urge
To break international copyright law
By downloading MP3’s from file sharing sites
Like Morpheus or Grokster or LimeWire or KaZaA
But deep in your heart you know the guilt would drive you mad
And the shame would leave a permanent scar
‘Cause you start out stealing songs, and then you’re robbing liquor stores
And selling crack and running over school kids with your car

So don’t download this song
The record store’s where you belong
Go and buy the CD like you know that you should
Oh don’t download this song

Oh you don’t want to mess with the RIAA
They’ll sue you if you burn that CDR
It doesn’t matter if you’re a grandma or a seven year old girl
They’ll treat you like the evil, hard bitten criminal scum you are

So don’t download this song
Don’t go pirating music all day long
Go and buy the CD like you know that you should
Oh, don’t download this song

Don’t take away money from artists just like me
How else can I afford another solid gold Humvee?
And diamond studded swimming pools, these things don’t grow on trees
So all I ask is everybody, please

Don’t download this song (don’t do it, no, no)
Even Lars Ulrich knows it’s wrong (you can just ask him)
Go and buy the CD like you know that you should (you really should)
Oh, don’t download this song

Don’t download this song (Oh please don’t you do it)
Or you might wind up in jail like Tommy Chong (remember Tommy)
Go and buy the CD (right now) like you know that you should (go out and buy it)
Oh don’t download this song

Don’t download this song (no no no no no no)
Or you’ll burn in hell before too long (and you’d deserve it)
Go and buy the CD (just buy it) like you know that you should (ya cheap bastard)
Oh, don’t download this song

Source: LyricFind

Daily Countdown: Weird Al Songs #37

Posted on by

#37

Stop Forwarding That Crap to Me

Title: “Stop Forwarding That Crap to Me”

Album: Alpocalyse

Release: 2011

Written: Al Yankovic

Genre: Dramatic, Theatrical Rock

Style Parody: Jim Steinman

Topic: Sending stupid things across the internet/email

Lyrics

Oh, the sand keeps fallin’ through the hourglass
And there’s no way you’re gonna slow it down
You say, “We gotta treasure each moment
Who knows how long we’re gonna be around?”
Yeah, you keep on telling me life is short
And it’s hard to disagree with what you say
But if time is so precious, why you wastin’ mine?
‘Cause I’m always reading, always deleting
Every useless piece of garbage that you send my way

Every stupid hoax (ooh), all those corny jokes
Stop forwarding that crap to me
Well, I don’t need tons of cringe-inducing puns (ooh)
Stop forwarding that crap to me
No, it isn’t okay if you brighten my day (ah)
With some cut and pasted hackneyed Hallmark poetry
And I didn’t request a personality test (ooh)
Stop forwarding that crap to me
(Ah-ah-ah)

You’re sending virus-laden, bandwidth-hogging attachments
To every single person you know (ah)
You’re passin’ ’round a link to some dumb thing on YouTube
That everybody else already saw three years ago (ah)
And wacky, badly photoshopped billboards
Were never that amusing to me (ah)
And I just can’t believe you believe those urban legends
But I have high hopes someone’ll point you towards Snopes
And debunk that crazy junk you’re spewing constantly

No, I don’t want a bowl of Chicken Soup For the Soul (ooh)
Stop forwarding that crap to me
Send more top ten lists and I’ll slash my wrists (ooh)
Stop forwarding that crap to me
Well, I’m sorry I can’t accept your paranoid rant (ah, ah)
And I don’t want the Neiman-Marcus cookie recipe
Won’t you kindly refrain? ‘Cause it’s hurting my brain
Stop forwarding that crap to me

Like glittery hearts and unicorns and pictures of somebody’s cat
Now tell me
In what alternate reality would I care about something like that?
And by the way
Your quotes from George Carlin aren’t really George Carlin
Mr. Rogers never fought the Viet-Cong
And Bill Gates is never gonna give me something for nothing (ah)
And I highly doubt some dead girl’s gonna kill me
If I don’t pass your letter along

Well, now I know you’re wishin’ I’ll sign your petition
But stop forwarding that crap to me
And I don’t wanna read your series of conspiracy theories
Just stop forwarding that crap to me
And your two million loser friends all have my address now (ah)
‘Cause you never figured out the way to BCC
Now I gotta insist (ooh)
Take me off of your list (ooh)
Stop forwarding that crap to me (ah)

just stop it now
(Stop forwarding that crap to me) oh, no
(Stop forwarding that crap to me) whoa

I can’t take it
(Stop forwarding that crap to me) oh, please
(Stop forwarding that crap to me)

At the risk of being slightly repetitious (ah)
Gonna ask you now to stop (stop)
Sending me that (crap)
I don’t want it (ah)
Don’t send it to me, no, don’t send it to me

Stop forwarding that crap to me, to me
(Ah-ah-ah)

Source: Musixmatch

Until Tomorrow

Posted on by

Until Tomorrow

By K.P.

Have you ever had deja vu, well this I used to, too. That was until the day I met the old man. The day started the same as before, me and Tim, my best friend since forever, would go to the farm and lift hay and take care of the sheep and other odd jobs around the farm. We live in the village of Orgon, a village that until a few years ago was nothing, then someone found a cave filled with gold, silver, and other minerals. 

“Roger, stop daydreaming and get back to lifting hay.” Tim yells. I often just stop what I am doing and start staring off into the mountain.  I don’t know why, but sometimes I swear that I can see something on the mountain.

“Alright, I’m coming.” I called back. 

“You better I’m not doing all the work.” he retorts and we both get back to our job.

Hours pass on the farm and we finally are done. It’s around noon when we get back to the village. Most days it’s empty with everyone deep in the mines in search of riches but, today two strangers on horseback and masks were in front of my house.

“Roger Temporalin, come with us.” they say in complete unison, but I could tell they hadn’t rehearsed that line.

“Why should I, I don’t feel like going anywhere with the Pony Pals.” I say, which probably wasn’t the smartest idea, since the one to the right looked pretty jacked and the other had a sword.

“Hold your tongue boy.” the one to the left said, “before you lose it.”

“Back off Red, he ain’t a problem.” the other told him, “just come with us, and no one here gets hurt.” he says to me.

“Why do you want him?” Tim squeaks. He was always nervous around people he didn’t know. I was surprised he would talk at all after seeing them. 

“That is of no concern to you.” Red says. I got a bad feeling from the way he said this so I turned to Tim and said.

“Run.” and I sprinted towards the woods and hoped that Tim would follow though I knew they wouldn’t catch him, he was always the fastest when we raced.

“Hey, stop.” They both yell surprised, as we run into the woods.

After what seemed like hours, we finally came to a stop by a large oak tree. 

“Do you think we lost them?” Tim huffed “I hope we can stay here and not get caught.” 

“You should be safe here for a while, Roger,” said a gruff voice. Startled Tim and I jumped back. “Sorry for the scare, but I thought you should know that they’re  nowhere near here.”

“Who are you?” I asked. The voice belonged to an old guy that looked pretty beat up. He had a long scar from the bridge of his nose to the edge of his jaw on the left side. His skin was tan and leathery like he worked in the sun for years, so he must not have lived near here because it never was very sunny, only overcast. 

“My name doesn’t matter.” He said with a dark expression. “You can call me whatever you want.” 

“What do you want, Old Man.” I asked defensively . , “How do you know my name?” 

“I have been sent to help and protect you from the Kronos Crusade,” He stated flatly. “The two people in town who were on the horses, the two with the masks. They want to take you to their leader, who wishes to use you in a ritual.” 

“Why would they want me?” I ask angrily. Who was this guy and why would anyone want me, and what kind of maniac would believe in magic.

“I don’t know.” the old man said solemnly. I could tell he was lying. 

“How do we know that we can trust you?” Tim asked sheepishly.

“You can, I’m getting paid.” He boasted.

“Well that sure helps.” I said sarcastically. I had a bad feeling about the old man, I trusted him the same I trusted a wolf in a sheep pen. 

“Well if you’re done asking questions, we better get a move on.” the old man said. 

“Where would we go?” Tim asked nervously.

“My house in the mountains.” The old man said solemnly and started off toward the mountain. “Aren’t you coming?” he said, turning back. 

After hours of walking through the woods, we came to a small hut that looked like it’s been here forever. It was probably 14 feet tall at the top of the roof and about 20 feet across. 

“We’re here.” the old man said. 

  “So what do we do now?” I said aggressively.

“With a little luck, stay here and wait until tomorrow,” The old man said matter of factly,”  then you can go back to your life and you can forget all about this.”

“Why would they stop trying to find me after today?” I said confused.

“Theres a time limit, I guess. For the ritual, I mean” The old man said. “I think it can only happen today or something.” 

“So, what are we going to do here until tomorrow?” Tim asks, changing the subject. 

“You two should stay inside while I keep watch.” the old man answers, and with that me and Tim went inside and took a nap.

After I woke up from my nap, I went to check on the old man. It was dusk, and the old man was chopping wood out front. He looked angry and hurt, I wondered why.

“What are you doing out of the hut?” the old man grunted, not looking up. “I thought I told you to stay inside until tomorrow.” 

“Jeez, someone’s a cranky pants.” I retorted, “I was just checking if it was the morning, I was sleeping in there.”

“It’s only been 3 hours since we got here, get back inside.” He said in his gruff old voice.

“Yeah, get back inside, there’s some bad people in these woods.” A Young voice said in a sing-song voice. The old man and I turned to see Red, the masked horseman that was at my house.

“How did you find me?” I blurted out.

“I have some experience in finding people.” He said happily. 

“Red, why don’t you take a break this time.” the old man said hopefully. “Maybe this time we come to an agreement to stop this madness.” 

“What are you talking about, old man?” I asked, confused. What did he mean this time? Did they know each other, were they working together? 

“Hopefully, you’ll never need to know, kid.” the old man said, dropping the axe and extending his right hand. “Now stand back, I need to deal with this clown.” 

“How quaint, the old man thinks he can save anyone.” Red said angrily. He took his sword and swung at the air leaving a gaping void where he swung. 

“This again, I haven’t learned anything new.” the old man said smugly. A giant vine came out of the old man’s right and struck Red in the head knocking off his mask. Revealing Red looked exactly like a younger version of the old man.

“Enough of this.” Red said angrily, jumping into the void. The next second the world went black. Then I found myself in the middle of a gem-filled cave, where hundreds of masked people stood staring at me. I was on some sort of altar, and behind me stood Red and an old guy with long, black hair and an old fashioned robe

“I see you have finally woken up.” the robed man said. “You sure have been hard to capture, harder than most.”

“What do you want from me?” I yelled desperately.

“Didn’t that traitor tell you?” The robed man responded. “Well no matter, I am Dyon, the leader of the Kronos Crusade, and you are here to help me, you see, I didn’t really want to die, so I gathered some men a performed a ritual that gave me eternal life, the only downside is that I am now in a loop, and to stay immortal I must repeat the ritual, so you and me are in an endless chase so to speak.” He concluded dramatically. 

“What do you mean ‘you and me’?” I questioned. 

“Oh, I forgot to tell you.” Dyon laughed. “The ritual only works if we use you or someone else like, someone born during a rift in time like you.” 

“Let’s just get this over with.” Red growls. “The day is almost over.” 

“Ah, you are right, well we mustn’t be late.” Dyon said, almost sad. “Let’s begin the ritual.” I was desperate for a way out, so I jumped up and tried to grab Dyon, get a hostage, but the second I did something hit me in the face. Red had struck me with his sword leaving a small cut from the bridge of my nose going left to my jaw, and realization hit me. All these people were me from the countless times the ritual was performed.

“Ah, so you see how you could not win.” Red said softly. “If something has happened this many times it must be destiny.”  After all I went through I would fail. The room filled with chanting, the sound was like drumming. After a second I started to float on the altar, I started to glow and then the world went bright white, then black.

I woke up on the mountain, it was morning. I thought the whole ritual thing had to have been a dream and I had just sleepwalked out here. Running, I went to the farm and my heart dropped, there I was staring back at the morning of the ritual lifting hay.