Artemis Fowl has been scheduled for theatrical release for while now.  It got pushed back once because of the competition and then a second time because of COVID-19, eventually finding its way onto Disney +.  I have been anticipating the release of the film for some time because I like the idea and I felt as if the trailers looked better than most people claimed.  There was negativity surrounding Artemis Fowl, but I was still excited to see it.

Do you know that old phrase, “Be careful what you wish for?”

Based on the young adult book series by Eoin Colfer, this was one of the biggest misfires in many years.  Artemis Fowl is like if Harry Potter and the Lord of the Rings combined, but without any sense or any form of magic.

Having said that, I did not hate watching this.  I did not find myself wishing that this was over.  I actually had a decent time watching the movie.  It reminds me of staring at the car crash.  You know you shouldn’t do it, but you can’t help yourself.

Artemis Fowl (Ferdia Shaw) is the namesake of his infamous father (Colin Farrell), a well-known master thief.  His father has been kidnapped by the villain with a flashlight who contacts young Artemis and demands a trade… his father for The Aculos, this film’s MacGuffin that has some kind of magical power of the Fairies world.

Oh, did I forget to mention that there were fairies?  Yes, they, along with goblins, trolls and dwarves, live in an underground world inside the earth.  Holly Short (Lara McDonnell) was one of the fairy patrol (or whatever they were called… it is called the LEPRecon)) and her father was supposedly a traitor and involved in stealing the Aculos.  She gets deeply involved despite a penchant for not following the rules.

Then we meet Commander Root (Judi Dench).  What can I say about Commander Root?  I love Judi Dench, but good lord.  The last time we saw Judi, she was dressed as a giant cat named Old Deuteronomy in the bizarre musical Cats.  Now she is a high ranking leader of the LEPRecons, dressed in green with pointy Spock ears, and a gravelly voice.  Ironically, she is an Academy Award winner.

There is also a dwarf named Mulch Diggums (Josh Gad) who we meet immediately as he is used as the narrator for parts of the movie.  When we see him narrating, he has been arrested by someone and he is, for some reason, in black and white.  Mulch is a thief/pickpocket and is apparently a giant dwarf.  Picture Hagrid but smaller and with less charm.  Oh, and a gravelly voice too.

Domovoi Butler (Nonso Anozie) is the Fowl’s manservant/butler, but apparently, as the film tells us, you should never call him that.  Why?  We never find out, nor do we see it happen.  When something like that is dropped, usually that sets up a scene where that very thing happens.  Nope.  Not here.  He brings in is little sister Juliet (Tamara Smart) who really does nothing but blend into the scenery.

I will say that this movie flew by.  Perhaps that is because they shoved so much into the first half of the movie, it never gave you a chance to be bored.  In fact, I had paused the film at one point and saw that it was over half done, which shocked me.  This 90 minute film probably should have been something like 3 or 4 episodes of television to properly introduce everything that it did in the first 45 minutes.

So many things happen that make no sense whatsoever.  Artemis has his crew capture Holly and he locks her up in a cage in Fowl Manor.  They interact, all negatively, until Artemis needs her help.  He asks her “Do you trust me?” and I am like….why would she?  The entire scope of this relationship is antagonistic.  If I remember correctly, she had threatened to kill him once. But now that the plot needs them to be friends, they are seemingly tight as thieves.

There is a plot thread of a crooked, power hungry member of the LEPRecons, but that is neither developed or returned to in the film.  It is just completely dropped.

Artemis Fowl cost $125 million dollars to make, but it is difficult to find where that money may have gone.  There are some moments of CGI that are as bad as we’ve seen in years.  In fact, there are times when you may think you are watching an old 1980/1990 film.

As I said, this is easily one of the worst movies of the year, but I did get a strange satisfaction from watching it.  This could fall into the category of so bad it is good, but that might be too good for it.  I was entertained by the train wreck though.  I laughed a few times and stared at amazement that anyone green lit this.  Kenneth Branagh directed it, which is a shocking fact.

1.2 stars

There is a great cast in this movie.  Makes you wonder why the movie itself is such a boring sludge.

Tye Sheridan stars as Bart, a night clerk at a motel, who is a high performing individual on the Autism Spectrum and a tech wizard.  Bart uses his tech savvy to set up cameras to watch the guests in order to “study” humans.  When a guest is murdered, police Detective Espada (John Leguizamo) believes that Bart had a hand in it.  Meanwhile, a new guest, Andrea (Ana de Armas) shows up and develops a bond with Bart.

Not much makes sense here and the film appears to be at cross purposes.  Is it a sweet love story or a brutal murder mystery?  Or is it a story of a plucky underdog overcoming the odds to find love or is it a sexual deviant unable to form a true bond with anyone?

Meanwhile… what the hell is wrong with the cop?  His line of questioning is so dumb and nonsensical that the entire story arc of the death is unreasonable and stupid.  I hate it when supposedly intelligent people do such idiotic things.

Ana de Armas, who was absolutely wonderful in Knives Out, is nowhere near as transcendent here as she was in that film.  She felt miscast in this role, not taking advantage of her natural charisma and her easiness of performance.  This movie does not take advantage of her natural skills.

It is an unsatisfying film with a great cast that does not get to really sink their teeth into anything worthy of their talents.  Tye Sheridan is fine.  Helen Hunt, as Bart’s mother, gets a couple of scenes of enabling.  John Leguizamo is given a character far below him.  Ana de Armas makes no sense and does not take advantage of her “it” factor.

The best part of the movie is that is is only around 90 minutes.

1.8 stars 

Shirley Jackson was a real-life horror writer, author of two novels and hundreds of short stories, including the most well known The Lottery.  However, this film, Shirley, would not be considered a biopic.  The film is a fictional story involving characters from her life.

Shirley Jackson (Elisabeth Moss) is shown as a withdrawn and reclusive figure, married to a college professor Stanley Hyman (Michael Stuhlbarg), and she was struggling to write her next book.  Along the way, a young newlywed couple, Rose (Odessa Young) and Fred (Logan Lerman), arrive at their home.  Stanley and Shirley begin playing with them like a cat plays with a mouse.

There is a lot of atmosphere in this film.  The film is not a horror film, but it certainly has an uneasy feeling about it as the time passes with the games going on.  Eventually, Rose becomes a sort of muse for Shirley and her new story.

Elisabeth Moss is amazing in this role.  She is completely engaged in every scene and creates a world of uncertainty with her own mental state and that of everyone around her.  Her quirkiness and unsettling tendencies make the audience feel shaky.

The relationships in this movie are unlike most and are looked at in great detail.  However, there are dream-like moments when you are just not sure what exactly is happening.  How much of what is going on is actually happening and what parts of this are just the imagination of the talented and morose author?

No part of the film better encapsulates that better than the ending sequence.  I won’t spoil it, but the ending involves a lot of ambiguity.  What happened?  There are plenty of possibilities in play here, but those who like to have a definitive end to a film may wind up disappointed.

Elisabeth Moss does a brilliant job, but so does Michael Stuhlbarg as her philandering husband.  These two are shown to be clearly a perfect match for one another.  The movie is not afraid to place two of the main characters front and center as arrogant, superior and mean spirited jerks.  Their snipping toward the young couple is displayed in full detail by both of the two.  At times, you get the feeling they are doing it simply because they could.  They are like the real life trolls on the internet.

Shirley is a moody and morose film, taking its cue from the author that the film is based upon.  It is a masterful group of performances from the talented cast within a narrative that creates an ambiance of anxiety.

3.5 stars 

Kevin James?  Who knew you had this in ya?

Becky is a new film that appeared on VUDU this weekend featuring the former King of Queens star in a role that was a complete 180 degree turn for the actor.

Becky (Lulu Wilson) was on the way to a weekend getaway with her father Jeff (Joel McHale).  The was tension and troubles since her mother passed away and this weekend was meant to help get their relationship back on track.  However, there was more than just that on the agenda.  Jeff had brought Becky to tell her that he was going to marry Kayla (Amanda Brugel).  Becky reacted poorly to the news and ran off to hide out.

While this was going on, a group of killers, led by Dominick (Kevin James), escaped from custody and were making their way to the same lake house.

This was an extremely violent and gory survival film with some scenes that were very gross.  Becky took things to a definite level of viciousness that you would not expect from a teenage girl.  Driven by anger and vengeance, Becky a much more brutal version of Kevin McCallister from Home Alone.

There was also a good turn of acting from former WWE superstar Kurrgan, Robert Maillet, as the giant who was beginning to regret his actions.

As the group of villains, they were good, but I would have liked to have known more about them than what the film gave us.  They were certainly effectively evil, but their motivations were in question.

In particular, the group was after a key that Becky had found, but we never found out exactly why.  It feels like it is nothing more than a MacGuffin presented as a reason to get everyone at the lake house, but I did not know why this was such an important object.  Again, there were moments when the key is referenced or implied about, but the film totally leaves us wondering about it.  While that can be effective, in this case, there needs to be something more to let us understand what value the key holds.

Despite that, Lulu Wilson is completely savage in this movie and I would have liked a little more explanation on why she went so barbaric right away.  The actress is excellent in the role and I totally believed that she was crazed, but I just wanted a little more character here.

Still, it was very easy to root for Becky as she battled to survive and escape from this situation.

Though Becky could have used more development of the characters and maybe a touch more on the key, the movie is a tension-filled gorefest that actually had me looking away at least once.  Lulu Wilson and Kevin James are outstanding in their individual roles with James, perhaps, reinventing his career.

3.4 stars 

Encyclopedia Brown.  Frank and Joe Hardy.  Nancy Drew.  Timmy Failure.  Ruby Redfort.  The Baudelaire orphans.  Artemis Fowl.

These are just some of the lead characters from detective/mystery stories written for younger children, many of which have had their own adaptations to live-action/animated movies or TV shows.  You can add another name to the list:  Agatha Christine.

This animated movie is a lot of fun, focusing on the young girl, Agatha, who sometimes went by AC, in her attempt to become a successful detective so she could save money to get a dog.  Her goal is put to the test when she and her family moved to a new home.

Along with Agatha, there is her mother, the police officer, her older sister Sarah, and her toddler brother Kevin.  The three of them are trying to get a fresh start.  However, Agatha remains interested in her detective work.

Soon, Agatha gets her first case, trying to discover who was stealing from the local store.  She has a time line to solve the case, but she is distracted by another mystery with the next door neighbor Vincent, a boy with bags in his eyes.

This reminded me a lot of the Timmy Failure: Mistakes were Made film from Disney +.  Young kid wants to be a detective, has an active imagination and works cases.  Much like that film, this is very family friendly and actually has a nice little mystery that develops over the course of the narrative.  Then, Timmy Failure has a polar bear, Agatha has an animal in her life too.  This was the strangest part of this entire film.

We see that Agatha had found an egg and she was taking care of it.  The egg hatched, revealing a young Varanen, a monitor lizard.  Thing was that this animal talked.  The inclusion of this monitor lizard was bizarre.  The lizard seemed to be very verbally abusive toward Agatha, tying to convince her to get focused back on her robbery case.  He was also always hungry and, as he rapidly grew, he provided me with several moments where I thought he might actually be a danger.  Specifically, there were at least two occasions that I thought he had eaten the little boy, Kevin.  The use of this character was truly the oddest piece of this film.  He did create anxiety in me though as I was just not sure if this film would go to that extreme.

Everything, story-wise, fit together nicely at the end (although the whole monitor lizard thing dangled a bit) and everything worked very well.

I enjoyed the animation here for a change.  It was a different style that we have not seen before.  It was definitely a cartoon style that was simple, but worked very well with what the movie was trying to do.  The times when Agatha went into her daydreams or imagination the animation changed into black and white and really was striking.  Character design was nicely done as well, with the little touches adding traits to each of the characters.

I did have fun with this movie and I think families, kids in particular, will enjoy this movie quite a bit.  Little kids may not make the connections with the carnivorous monitor lizard that I did and may not have been as creeped out by it as I was.  They may not wonder if that lizard had eaten poor Kevin.

3.5 stars 

This feels like the wrong time for this film to come out.

But beyond the timing, there are plenty of other issues with this overlong mess of a movie.  It is not sure what it wants to be.  Is it a heist film?  Is it a revenge film? Is it supposed to be a science fiction film?  Does it take elements of all of these?  None of them were done well.

It was based on a Rick Remender graphic novel of the same title.  I loved Rick Remender so I am very sad that this heap of garbage could come from something that he created.  Not having seen the graphic novel it was based on, I can only assume that they took the story and wrecked it.

This is like a bad Purge movie combined with Hardcore Henry and Minority Report, only without any of the creativity.  Graham Bricke (Edgar Ramirez) had his brother murdered, though it was supposed to be a suicide, and Kevin Cash (Michael C. Pitt), the son of an infamous gangster, and black market hacker Shelby Dupree (Anna Brewster), approach Bricke with a plan to steal millions and cross the Canadian border before the government activates a signal, called the American Peace Initiative,  that will lead to people being incapable of committing any crime.

The story is a mess.  The acting is basic, without anyone standing out.  The action is dumb and wasteful.  Very little makes sense and it staggers around for a really long 148 minutes.  It feels even longer.

Of course, with the real world outside, perhaps this was not the best time to release this film.  The fascist messaging and creation of this dystopian world seems like poor taste at the best.  There is no escapism here.

No characters that make sense.  The world is not given enough time to understand what it is like (a sad state for such a long freaking movie).  Sharlto Copley is here too as a character that is totally extraneous and wasted.

Directed by Olivier Megaton, whose previous films included the horrid Taken 2 and Taken 3, The Last Days of American Crime is just a brain dead dump.

1 star