Light on a Dying Flower

By P.W.

Her, the love of his life, Fiona, a police officer has been in the police force since she was 20, going on 28. In love with the idea of arresting the bad people and helping the good people ever since she was a child, but her boyfriend,  Arden, is a hidden serial killer, someone you wouldn’t suspect, from a man who helps the elderly and helps with Fiona’s children. Will she find out about his murderous ways or will the man she’s deeply in love with not get caught, and live with her? Until death do us part is a big saying with big meaning, will that meaning still be true, or will they part ways. Permanently. It’s the Thirteenth of August in 2011, the temperatures are hot but not horribly overwhelming. 

Salem was a big tourist attraction especially for the movie Hocus Pocus. Tourists flew in from everywhere. For Fiona it was a struggle, trying to get to an emergency with crowded crosswalks was a challenge, especially for urgent situations. Over the (almost) eight years she’s been working, she’s found a back road that gets her to different areas in town,  and it avoids the tourists. It’s a win for everyone. On the day of August 11 at 6:23 p.m she comes home to a horrid stench. She makes it inside, her little girl, Lillithan greets her eagerly.

“Mama! Mama! I’ve missed you so much! Ardy made me Cheese pasta!”

Fiona smiles happily,”Does he make it as good as I do?” She pulls Lillithan into a warm hug, picking her up and resting her on her hip. Fiona then walks over to Arden, kissing him on the lips smiling.

“How was Little Lilli today?”

“She wasn’t a problem at all, I don’t know why you don’t trust me.” Arden says smiling at her, Fiona knows he loves her,  but something lies beneath that mask. She just can’t figure out what she wants to figure out, she’s wanted to for the past two years they’ve dated.

“Im going to put this silly girl to bed, then I’ll come back out.” She leans over and kisses him one last time before leaving and putting Lillithan to bed. Once she comes back out she talks to Arden.

“Hey, I think an animal crawled under the house and died, if you could look into that, I would love that.”

“Of course honey, I will tomorrow.” He kisses her on the forehead and grabs his stuff.

“Bye , Sweetie. I’ll see what’s up tomorrow”

He leaves, Fiona is still extremely on edge Why was there a stench, it didn’t smell like a dying, or rotting animal, but could she be wrong? No. She shakes it off and heads to bed. The next morning she wakes up at 5:00, it’s a Friday so she has the day off, she tries to go back to bed, but she can’t, it’s like something is pulling her away from sleeping. She feels a presence behind her, but she’s lying down, how she could Feel something behind her. Fiona gets up and makes herself some coffee, careful not to wake up Lilli. As the coffee brews the sounds are not loud, but also not exactly quiet. The coffee finishes brewing and she puts in her “essentials”.

  • 1 spoonful of sugar
  • 1 whole cup of coffee creamer
  • A splash of milk

As Fiona makes her coffee, she’s pleased with herself, when all of a sudden she hears small footsteps from behind her, she turns around to see Lilli running at her scared, almost petrified. Of course, it’s one of her small night terrors and it’s easy to calm her down. This time though, it was different. 

“Lilli? What’s wrong?” Fiona says, setting down her coffee and picking up the crying five year old in front of her,

 Lilli clings to her shirt crying relentlessly, clearly not calming down any time soon. “Hes in my room! I told him to leave but he won’t! He won’t leave! He’s not listening to me!”

Fiona freezes, she knew that feeling wasn’t just her. She knew something was coming, she just couldn’t place that feeling until right now.

“ Ok baby, I’m going to set you down so I can take a look at the monster, ok?”

Lilli nods, her tiny hands coming up to wipe her tears and her cute little lip sticking out, making her look adorable even while frightened. Fiona puts Lilli down and grabs her pepper spray, just in case. As she makes her way to Lilli’s room, her footsteps are quiet, it makes it feel like the house is screaming, because of how quiet it is. As she steps in front of Lilli’s room she turns the doorknob slowly. The door creaks as it opens. She turns the light on and steps into the room quickly. Nothing. She checks under the bed, nothing. She opens the closet doors one after the other, first side nothing. Second side, something? 

There’s this big white trashbag, now stained a light pink, the stench is strong, but not overwhelming. She puts the pepper spray in her back pocket. She walks up to the bag and kneels in front of it. The tie sucks, so it’s easy to open. Once she opens it she finds different red splattered shirts, the red splatter looks like paint because of how thick it is. She digs through the bag, She reaches her hand in and cuts her finger on something sharp. She pulls her hand out and mutters a curse. Why would something sharp be in a bag of Lilli’s ruined shirts? She opens the bag more, slowly, more red paint comes into view. Her eyes widen, why didn’t I get rid–

“I’m here to look at your infestation!” Arden, he arrives, Fiona didn’t even hear the door open, or close.

“Ardy, Ardy”, Lilli says, her little feet on the floor. “There’s a monster in my room! mama ‘s lookin’ at it right now!” Ardy laughs and walks towards the room with Lilli, Fiona comes out holding her cut finger.

“Holy cow, Fiona. What happened, are you ok?” Fiona heads to the bathroom to wash her finger off, whilst talking to Arden.

“Lilli, she had a trashbag of paint stained clothes in her closet, I reached my hand in and something cut my finger.” Fiona runs her finger under the water stinging slightly, but thoroughly cleansing it.

“Jesus Fiona, I’ll go get started looking at that dang rodent that went under your porch.” He kisses her solemnly on the forehead. “Love you.” he says then leaves. Fiona grabs an antiseptic and sprays the liquid on to her fingers, disinfecting it. She then grabs a bandaid and lays it on her finger carefully, trying not to hurt herself more. Once she heads out of the bathroom she grabs the bag of stained clothes and takes it outside to the trash, as in doing so she sees Arden dragging a black trashbag to his truck, its sagging. There’s weight to it, almost like a carcass, or a cadaver, Fiona freezes momentarily.

“Hey Arden.” Fiona says, still frozen in place.

‘Yeah?” He says while dragging the trash bag to his truck.

“Can I see what rotten animal crawled under my porch?” Arden freezes clearly caught off guard by the question.

“W-why would you want to see? It’s probably rotten, and looks horrible.” He says, clearly scared of being caught, but what would he have to hide?

“Show me the animal. Now”

“No!” He throws the trashbag in the truck. “It’s been dealt with now, don’t ask about it.” He says angrily, frustration evident on his face. He storms past Fiona brushing past her shoulder. Fiona throws Lilli’s bag of trash into the trashcan then heads back inside to be greeted with Arden, stabbing Lilli with a knife right in her back. Fiona screams. Arden turns around. Her screams are too loud, but Arden says.

“This was  always coming. Eventually” 

Fiona tackles him reaching for her phone, She manages to tackle Arden pining him under her with practiced precision. She manages to call 911 and puts it on speaker, putting it far away from his reach.

“911, What your–”`

“Wideria street apartment eight, I have a murderer at my house, I’m Police Officer F. Smith.”

“Backups being sent your way now Mrs. Smith. I need you to stay on the line”

“I have him pinned”  “He’s struggling pretty roughly im not going to be able to hold him forever”

“The police are about a minute away, hold on for me Fiona.”

As Fiona holds down Arden, her daughter’s crying, and she hears the police sirens getting closer, and closer, and then the sirens arrive, doors shut footsteps on the grass. The door bursts open, medical calls are made. Her daughter gets rushed to the hospital, and Arden gets arrested. Fiona and her daughter come back home two weeks later, Arden missed all of Lili’s organs thankfully. Lilli now has a big scar and stitches on her back. She healed about three years later, the pain faded the memories not. Fiona was eternally grateful for the police and medical care they provided to her daughter. The police station and hospital both expressed their gratitude and awarded Fiona and Lilli each five thousand dollars. Lilli and Fiona are still scared to trust people to this day, after the day Lilli’s life was almost taken. Lilli is now twenty while her mother is now forty-eight and still in the police force helping people and busting the others.

EYG Comic Cavalcade #203

May 18

Another week, another Monday.

I think part of the fact that I have been having trouble getting this out on the weekend is that I have so many books each week. I remember the days when I only picked up Marvel Comics. Now, I get all kinds of companies across the comic landscape.

The huge variety is awesome, but does take some time to read. School has just a couple of weeks total before I am out on summer vacation, so the timing of the EYG Comic Cavalcade should switch up soon.

Comic of the Week

The Olympus Saga: Megalith #1

I had several potential choices this week for Comic of the Week, but I decided to go with this new Bad Idea book called The Olympus Saga: Megalith #1.

It was a cool idea. A giant megalith appeared in the middle of the city, causing destruction and danger and a group of first responders and military people try to figure out what is going on before everything is lost. I did not see the ending of this issue coming. I was thinking that this felt very cinematic, which was a way I used to describe Survive (a book last year that I loved). This is a great start and one of my favorite reads of the week.

Books this week:

Amazing Spider-Man/Venom- Death Spiral: Body Count #1. Written by Charles Soule with art by Kev Walker. Cover art was done by CAFU I(Silver Medalist). This is the wrap up of the Death Spiral storyline as we get the origin of Torment. We also get what seemed to be a brand new Torment… eventually, at least.

The Spectacular Spider-Man: Brand New Day #1. “Key to the Kingdom” Written by Dan Slott with art by Marcus Tu. Marcos Martin & Muntsa Vicente did the Tell-Tale Pages art. Cover art was done by Phil Jimenez & Alex Sinclair. I also picked up the variable cover F by Patrick Gleason. We are back in the Brand New Day timeline for a new story with Spidey and Mister Negative.

Black Cat #10. “Big If True” Written by G. Willow WIlson with art by Gleb Melnikov. Cover art was done by Gleb Melnikov & Edgar Delgado. I also picked up the B cover by Peach Momoko (Gold Medalist). Black Cat and Jonah Jameson meet up in the Negative Zone. Yeah, that sounds weird, I know.

Showdown #1. “The Two Killers of Michael Sullivan.” Written by Dave Wielgosz and illustrated by Tadd Galusha. Cover art by Steve Lieber & Dillon Snook. Trish has returned to her hometown with a mission. She blamed Harvey for the death of her brother. So when she returned from college, she had planned on killing him. However, some things are in the way. This was an interesting new book by Ignition Press.

D’Orc #4. “Trust Your Gut” Written, drawn and cover art by Brett Bean. D’Orc continues to be a lot of fun every issue. In this one, we see D’Orc and his friends take on a three headed dog. I find this book to be extremely enjoyable and funny.

Wolverine #20. “The Savage Champions” Written by Saladin Ahmed and art by Martin Coccolo. Cover art was done by Dan Panosian. Wolverine wrapped up the Adamantine storyline with his massive battle with the creature. Wolverine still has not had his claws back yet on his one hand. I wonder if they are leading to this being his new status quo for the current Marvel Universe.

Something is Killing the Children #47. “All Her Monsters” Written by James Tynion IV and illustrated and cover art by Werther Dell’edera. We are back with Jessica and Cecilia Slaughter dealing with the after effects of the Valmont Mountain Lodge incident. It was nice to get this book back after a bit of a lay off.

Innards #1. “Chapter 1: As Below, So Within.” Written by Rob Guillory with art and cover art by Sam Lotfi. This new book by Ignition Press dealing with a future world, post-nuclear attack. They are looking to mine the only energy mineral remaining- Lucifium, and you can only reach it by teleportation. This was a fun new book. Ignition Press has been doing quality work lately too.

Barbara Gordon: Breakout #1. “What Am I Doing Here?” Written by Mariko Tamaki and art by Amancay Nahuelpan. Cover art was done by Karl Kerschl. I have been looking forward to this new book as Barbara Gordon is on her was to the Big House. This was a great first issue and I considered it as the Comic of the Week.

Geiger #23. Creators are Geoff Johns & Gary Frank. This was a heartbreaker of an issue as Geiger finds his family for just a few moments, only to get pulled away from them. It was so sad. It looks as if Geiger is finding himself in World War II with Junkyard Joe.

Conan & Dragonero #1. “The Shadow of the Dragon” Written by Stefano Vietti & Luca Enoch with art by Lorenzo Nuti. Cover art was done by Roberto De La Torre. This new series is fabulous. It looked like Conan is back to his time traveling ways. I really liked this book and seeing these two together.

Uncanny X-Men #28. “And It Shall Come to Pass.” Written by Gail Simone with art by Luciano Vecchio. Cover art was done by Luciano Vecchio & Edgar Delgado. The weird storyline continues with the fake New Mutants (?) and the reveal of the identity of Inmate X. I have loved Gail Simone’s run on this book and every month I look forward to it.

Captain America #11. “Doom’s Shadow” Part 6. Written by Chip Zdarsky with art by Valero Schiti. Cover art was done by Valerio Schiti & Romulo Fajardo Jr. I also picked up the Variant Cover C by Chip Zdarsky (Bronze Medalist). Red Hulk faces off with Cap on Latverian grounds and it sure does not seem to go well for Cap.

The Fury of Firestorm #2. “The Fury Part 2” Written by Jeff Lemire and art was done by Rafael De Latorre. Rafael De Latorre & Marcelo Maiolo did the cover art. I really enjoyed this issue too. The background story between Ronnie and Stein was welcomed and the mystery of what is happening with Firestorm is fascinating. This has been one of my favorite new DC books so far.

Hidden Springs #1. Written by Rob Williams and art and cover art by Nil Vendrell. A group of old people on a trip to the woods come across a crash from space… and a gigantic monster. This was a Monsterverse story crossed with LOST and the X-Files. I enjoyed this new Dark Horse book.

The Mortal Thor #10. “Come at the King” Written by Al Ewing with art by Pasqual Ferry. Cover art was done by Alex Ross. Sigurd Jarlson has had enough and he walked straight into the Roxxon building looking to put this to an end. He had to face the Grey Gargoyle… and took care of him. He walked right into the Minotaur. Great issue.

Transformers #32. Written by Robert Kirkman and art by Jason Howard. Cover art was done by David Nakayama. We go this issue back to Cybertron to watch the battle being led by our new Elita Prime. There are a bunch of new Decepticons involved in the war on Cybertron.

Absolute Batman #20. “The Straw Man” Written by Scott Snyder with art by Nick Dragotta. Cover art was done by Nick Dragotta and Frank Martin. I was able to pick up Variant Cover C by Fabrizio De Tommaso. We get the appearance by the Robins as they are preparing to take on Batman.

Department of Truth #37. Written by James Tynion IV with art by Ben Templesmith. Cover art was done by Martin Simmonds. Dinosaurs? True Believer Charity and her church believe that humans and dinosaurs existed at the same time, and they believe that dinosaurs may still exist. And look to Hunky to answer that question.

Iron Man #5. “Advanced Iron Man” Written by Joshua Williamson and art by Carmen Carnero with Jan Bazaldua. Cover art was done by Ryan Stegman & Frank Martin. Adam Ware killed the Fixer. Ware is with the AIM organization, right at the head.

Voyeur #5. Written by Leah Williams and illustrated by David Baldeón. Cover art was done by Victor Ibanez. Voyeur #5 was a lot of fun and a lot of nudity. I thought this was considerably better than it should have been. This was the final issue of this short series and I am sad to see it go. This issue also has one of the more fun covers of the week.

Bleeding Hearts #4. Written by Deniz Camp and art and cover art by Stipan Morian. Have you ever seen a zombie having a tea party? Not only at a tea party, but having a damn great time? It sure seems that Poke is struggling with his own mind and his own perspective on who or what he is. But hey, who wouldn’t love Rabbit? One of the more original zombie stories you are going to read.

Tyler Rake: An Extraction Story #2. Written by Ande Parks and illustrated by Ronan Cliquet. Cover art was done by Declan Shalvey. The second issue of this Tyler Rake series from Ignition Press is great. This has been a surprisingly solid book so far as we get some action from Tyler Rake.

Other Books This Week: The Thing on the Doorstep #4, Hello Darkness #21, Blood & Thunder #13, Absolute Martian Manhunter #11, Ghost Pepper #11, Archie’s Movie Mania #1, Arcadia #5, Malevolent #4, and Terrorbytes #6.

Quick Hits: Tigress Island #3 came out this week. Things are getting real serious for these girls. The relationship between Illyana and Colossus are on display through this new Magik and Colossus #4, the penultimate issue of this series. W0rldtr33 #20 continues to be one of the more in-depth stories dealing with technology you will find. Doctor Strange is able to return to earth from Asgard in Doctor Strange #6, but it is temporary. I love how Clea and Wanda, who are guest starring, do not remember Thor, but Stephen does since he was in Asgard at the time. Clea believes Stephen is lying about the “Norse myth” stuff. LOL. Space Ghost #11 is the penultimate issue of season two. Things have been tough for Space Ghost. War Wolf #5 sees Thomas Bruin in some real trouble, but, again, we are not sure what the truth about what happened actually was. Ultimate Endgame #4 saw the death of another of our favorites as Captain Britain chopped off the head of Captain America. Dead By Daylight #2 could use some more hillbilly. Archie x The Army of Darkness #4 sees Archie and Ash trying to stop the Deadites. Joe Palmer’s Destination Kill #1 was a new #1 from Oni Press. I was not a big fan of this issue. Finally, Just Brutal #3 sees a real tragic event at the end of the book. It took a turn and the book may have taken a different path.

Daily Countdown: Weird Al Songs #44

#44

A Complicated Song

Title: “A Complicated Song”

Written: Graham Edwards / Lauren Christy / Avril Ramona Lavigne / David Scott Alspach/Al Yankovic

Album: Poodle Hat

Release: 2003

Parody: “Complicated” by Avril Lavigne

Genre: Pop/Punk

Poodle Hat finally breaks through as the final Weird Al album represented in the Top 100 with A Complicated song, which breaks into three separate stories. Some of the stories are silly, but a lot of fun.

Lyrics

Uh huh… extra cheese
Uh huh, uh huh… save a piece for me

Pizza party at your house
I went just to check it out
19 extra larges
What a shame
No one came

Just us eatin’ all alone
You said, “Take the pizza home”
“No sense lettin’ all this go to waste”
So then I faced

Pizza all day
And every day
This cheese ’round the clock
Is gettin’ me blocked
And I sure don’t care
For irregularity

Tell me
Why’d you have to go and make me so constipated?
‘Cause right now I’d do anything to just get my bowels evacuated
In the bathroom… I sit and I wait and I strain
And I sweat and I clench and I feel the pain
Oh, should I take laxatives or have my colon irrigated?
No no no

I was feelin’ pretty down
‘Till my girlfriend came around
We’re just so alike in every way
I gotta say

In fact, I just thought I might
Pop the question there that night
I was kissing her so tenderly
But woe is me

Who would have guessed
Her family crest
I’d suddely spy
Tattooed on her thigh
And son-of-a-gun
It’s just like the one on me

Tell me
How was I supposed to know we were both related?
Believe me, if I knew she was my cousin we never would have dated
What to do now? Should I go ahead and propose
And get hitched and have kids with 11 toes
And move to Alabama where that kind of thing is tolerated?
No no no no no no no
No no no no no no no
No no no no no

I had so much on my mind
I thought maybe I’d unwind
Try out that new roller coaster ride
And the guide

Said not to stand
But that’s a demand
That I couldn’t meet
I got on my feet
And stood up instead
And knocked off my head, you see

Tell me
Why’d I have to go and get myself decapitated?
This really is a major inconvenience, oh man, I really hate it
Such a drag, now… can’t eat, I can’t breathe, I can’t snore
I can’t belch or yodel anymore
Can’t spit or blow my nose or even read Sports Illustrated

Oh no
Why’d I have to go and get myself all mutilated? (yeah, yeah)
I gotta tell ya, life without a head kinda makes me irritated
What a bummer
Can’t blink, I can’t cough, I can’t sneeeze
But my neck is enjoyin’ a pleasant breeze now
Haven’t been the same since my head and I were separated
No no no

Source: Musixmatch

Daily Countdown: Weird Al Songs #45

#45

Bedrock Anthem

Title: “Bedrock Anthem”

Album: Alapalooza

Release: 1993

Parody: “Under the Bridge” and “Give It Away” by Red Hot Chili Peppers

Written: Chad Smith / John Frusciante / Anthony Kiedis / Michael Balzary / Alfred Yankovic

Genre: Funk rock

This is another TV show that Al honors in song as this time it is the Flintstones. There are voice clips from the Flintstones on the song.

Lyrics

Sometimes, I feel like I need a vacation
Sometimes, I feel like I wanna go to the city of cavemen, the city of Bedrock
I’d be a Flintstone, now, I’ll tell you why

Oh
Oh
Oh!

Well, I’ve got, I’ve got a woman named, Wilma
Well, I’ve got, I’ve got a baby named Pebbles
Well, I’ve got, I’ve got a doggy named Dino
We do a little bowling and we drink a little vino

Well, I’ve got a little buddy, Barney Rubble
Got a neighbor by the name of Barney Rubble
He’s a midget but, he makes a lot of trouble
Doesn’t like to shave, he got caveman stubble

Me and Barney, loyal order water buffalo
Lodge brothers, loyal order water buffalo
There’s a handshake everybody gotta know
How come grand Poo-Bah always gotta run the whole show?

Yabba-dabba-yabba-dabba-dabba do now
Yabba-dabba-yabba-dabba-dabba do now
Yabba-dabba-yabba-dabba-dabba do now
I get by on all my prehistoric know-how

Betty and Barney got a baby, named, Bamm-Bamm
Little Pebbles is his number one fan
He’s the strongest toddler in the whole land
Tear your arm off, if he’s shaking your hand

Got a car, gonna push it with my feet now
Gonna take my family out to eat now
Jumbo ribs at the drive-in can’t be beat now
Made from brontosaurus, baby, not a moo-cow

Wanna chill with a saber tooth tiger
Wear a loincloth, natural fiber
Be the first rolling stone subscriber
Got a pterodactyl for a windshield wiper

Yabba-dabba-yabba-dabba-dabba do now
Yabba-dabba-yabba-dabba-dabba do now
Yabba-dabba-yabba-dabba-dabba do now
Don’t know what it means, but I say it anyhow

Wilma, I’m home! Start serving dinner
And don’t spare the-
Oh, no, no, no! Don’t Dino, don’t!
Now take it easy, boy!

Lucky me, workin’ down in the gravel pit
Movin’ rocks, on a big dinosaur I sit
Mr. Slate gets mad, and he throws a fit
Pull the birdie’s tail, everybody knows it’s time to quit

I realize I’m living in the Stone Age
No fax, no cellular phone-age
Pick my teeth with a dinosaur bone-age
Liftin’ heavy boulders every day for my wage

Barney Rubble, laughin’ like a hyena
Barney Rubble, what a little wiener!
Where’s Wilma? Anybody seen her?
Got a baby elephant vacuum cleaner

Yabba-dabba-yabba-dabba-dabba do now
Yabba-dabba-yabba-dabba-dabba do now
Yabba-dabba-yabba-dabba-dabba do now
Yabba-dabba-yabba-dabba-dabba do now

Yabba-dabba-dabba do now
Yabba-dabba-dabba do now
Yabba-dabba-dabba do now
Yabba-dabba-dabba do now

Yabba-dabba-dabba do now
Yabba-dabba-dabba do now
(E-yabba-dabba-do)
Yabba-dabba-dabba do now
Yabba-dabba-dabba do now

Yabba-dabba-dabba do now
Yabba-dabba-dabba do now
(E-yabba-dabba-do)
Yabba-dabba-dabba do now
Yabba-dabba-dabba do now

Now, that’s alright
Oh, boy!

Source: Musixmatch

Daily Countdown: Weird Al Songs #46

#46

Livin’ in the Fridge

Title: “Livin’ in the Fridge”

Album: Alapalooza

Released: 1993

Parody: “Livin’ on the Edge” by Aerosmith

Written: Joe Perry / Mark Hudson / Steven Tyler/Al Yankovic

Genre: Hard rock

Weird Al has been well known in his appreciation of food. He has said many tiomes that he loves food because it has kept him alive. This is the opposite of that as he describes that food that has spent too many days (weeks?) in the refrigerator and has become something akin to a science experiment. In the same vein as George Carlin’s “Icebox Man,” “Livin’ in the Fridge” had a special appearance on The Weird Al Show.

Lyrics

There’s somethin’ weird in the fridge today
I don’t know what it is
Food I can’t recognize
My roommate won’t throw a thing away
I guess it’s probably his
It looks like it’s alive

And livin’ in the fridge
Livin’ in the fridge
Livin’ in the fridge
Livin’ in the fridge

There’s somethin’ gross in the fridge today
It’s green and growin’ hair
It’s been there since July
If you can name the object
In that baggie over there
Then mister, you’re a better man than I

It’s livin’ in the fridge
You can’t stop the mold from growin’
Livin’ in the fridge
Can’t tell what it is at all
Livin’ in the fridge
You can’t stop the mold from growin’
Livin’ in the fridge

Tell me, do you think it should be carbon-dated
Fumigated or cremated and buried at sea?
You try to save a little bit of your home cookin’
Couple weeks later, got a scary-lookin’ specimen
It always happens, my friend
Again & again & again & again

Somethin’ stinks in the fridge today
And it’s been rottin’ there all week
It could be liver cake or woolly mammoth steak
Well, maybe I should another peek

Livin’ in the fridge
(You can’t stop the mold from growin’)
Livin’ in the fridge
(Can’t tell what it is at all)
Livin’ in the fridge
(You can’t stop the mold from growin’)
Livin’ in the fridge
Livin’ in the fridge
(Don’t know what it is, don’t know what it is)
Livin’ in the fridge
(Don’t know what it is, don’t know what it is)
Livin’ in the fridge
Don’t know what it is at all
Livin’ in the fridge, yeah

Source: Musixmatch

Daily Countdown: Weird Al Songs #47

#47

Pretty Fly for a Rabbi

Title: “Pretty Fly for a Rabbi”

Album: Running With Scissors

Released: 1999

Written: Dexter Holland/Al Yankovic

Extra voices: Tress MacNeille (“How ya doin’ Bernie?”) and Mary Kay Bergman (“For a rabbi!”)

Parody: “Pretty Fly for a White Guy” by the Offspring

Genre: Pop Punk/Comedy

Oy Vey! Lots of Yiddish phrases used in this song, which may not have aged as well as some of Al’s other songs. Still, this is a well done parody and is very funny.

Lyrics

Oy vey, oy vey!
(How ya doin’, Bernie?) Oy vey, oy vey!
(How ya doin’, Bernie?) Oy vey, oy vey!
And all the goyim say I’m pretty fly for a rabbi

Meccha leccha hi, meccha hiney hiney ho

Our temple’s had a fair share of rabbis in the past
But most of’em were nudniks and none of’em would last
But our new guy’s real kosher, I think he’ll do the trick
I tell ya, he’s to die for, he really knows his shtick

So how’s by you? Have you seen this Jew?
Reads the Torah, does his own accounting too
Working’ like a dog at the synagogue
He’s there all day, he’s there all day

Just say “Vay is mir!” and he’ll kick into gear
He’ll bring you lots of cheer and maybe bagels with some shmeer
Just grab your yarmulka and
Hey! Hey! Do that Hebrew thing!

Oy vey, oy vey!
(How ya doin’, Bernie?) Oy vey, oy vey!
(How ya doin’, Bernie?) Oy vey, oy vey!
And all the goyim say I’m pretty fly (for a rabbi)

He shops at discount stores, not just any will suffice
He has to find a bargain ’cause he won’t pay retail price
He never acts meshugga and he’s hardly a schlemiel
But if you want to haggle, oy, he’ll make you such a deal!

People used to scoff, now they say “Mazel tov!”
He’s such a macher ’cause he works his tuchis off
Yeah, he keeps his cool and teaches shul
What’s not to like? What’s not to like?

Oh high holy days, you know he prays and prays
And he never eats pastrami on white bread with mayonnaise
Put on your yarmulka and
Hey! Hey! Do that Hebrew thing!

When he’s doing a Bar Mitzvah, now that you shouldn’t miss
He’ll always shlep on down for a wedding or a briss
They say he’s got a lot of chutzpah, he’s really quite hip
The parents pay the moyl and he gets to keep the tip!

Oy vey, oy vey!
(How ya doin’, Bernie?) Oy vey, oy vey!
(How ya doin’, Bernie?) Oy vey, oy vey!

Meccha leccha hi, meccha meccha cholly ho

He’s doin’ well, I gotta kvell
The yentas love him, even shicksas think he’s swell
Show up at his home, he says, “Shalom!”
And “Have some cake, you want some cake?”

Yeah he calls the shots, we really love him lots
Oy gevalt, I’m so ferklempt that I could plotz!
So grab your yarmulka
The one you got for Hanukah

Let’s put on our yarmulkas and
Hey! Hey! Do that Hebrew thing!

Source: LyricFind

Something Very Bad is Going to Happen E7, E8

Spoilers

“Something Living, Something Dead, Something Stolen, Something Red”

“I Do”

I love the synopsis on Netflix for episode eight. It simply says “Something very bad happens.”

These last two episodes of this Netflix limited series were simply batshit crazy.

Holy cow. This went in a manner that I never thought it would. I mean, I never saw Nicky backing out of the wedding at the altar, basically dooming his entire bloodline.

Nicky never believed in the curse that Rachel was so desperately trying to avoid. She went to the extreme by having Jules cut off Rachel’s pinky toe. She had to put all this stuff into a drink. Part of it was the bone of the bride. She needed the seed of the groom.

Honestly, the creation of this cocktail mixture was making me want to puke. It was so gross.

Rachel does not end up drinking it, as she has convinced herself that Nicky is, in fact, her soulmate.

So when Nicky stops the wedding, the sun goes down and the whole group of their bloodline started bleeding from their eyes and mouth.

The Witness arrived at the wedding too. I had forgotten about him. I also forgot that if Rachel called off the wedding, she would replace him as witness. All this because she accepted a proposal that she did not really want to in the first place.

It is difficult to go over these two episodes because of all the craziness that went down. I thought after episode six that Victoria had died. Seems that I overexaggerated that as she was only suffering a certain attack. Victoria was played by Jennifer Jason Leigh and she was amazing. Ted Levine, from Silence of the Lambs and Captain Leland Stottlemeyer from Monk, was the father of Nicky, which I had not realized until episode six. These two are great actors and really solidified the cast.

I hadn’t considered why Jules did not die when the curse switched to the family, but it was because he was married to his true soulmate in Nell. That makes total sense. It was also why Nicky and his father did not die. Of course, when Victoria died, that said that she did not truly believe that Boris was her soulmate, which would be a tragic thing to live with.

This was a great eight episodes with tons of tension and exciting family shenanigans. The supernatural was used heavily, but it the perfect amount and the ending was so shocking that I never would ghave thought it would have been filmed. A lot of bloody fun.

Daily Countdown: Weird Al Songs #48

#48

Your Horoscope For Today

Title: “Your Horoscope For Today”

Written: Al Yankovic

Album: Running With Scissors

Released: 1999

Genre: Ska Punk

Style Pastiche: Late 90s third-wave sks music like Reel Big Fish and The Mighty Mighty Bosstones

A good example of Al singing really fast. You haven’t seen anything yet though. This is a real gem off Running With Scissors and is one of the funnier originals on the album. KILL THEM!

Lyrics

Aquarius
There’s travel in your future
When your tongue freezes to the back of a speeding bus
Fill that void in your pathetic life
By playing whack-a-mole 17 hours a day

Pisces
Try to avoid any Virgos or Leos with the ebola virus
You are the true Lord of the dance
No matter what those idiots at work say

Aries
The look on your face will be priceless
When you find that 40 pound watermelon in your colon
Trade toothbrushes with an albino dwarf, then give a hickey to Meryl Streep

Taurus
You will never find true happiness
What you gonna do, cry about it?
The stars predict tomorrow you’ll wake up
Do a bunch of stuff and then go back to sleep

That’s your horoscope for today (that’s your horoscope for today)
That’s your horoscope for today
That’s your horoscope for today (that’s your horoscope for today)
That’s your horoscope for today (that’s your horoscope for today)

Gemini
Your birthday party will be ruined
Once again by your explosive flatulence
Your love life will run into trouble
When your fiancé hurls a javelin through your chest

Cancer, the position of Jupiter says that
You should spend the rest of the week face down in the mud
Try not to shove a roll of duct tape up your nose while taking your driver’s test

Leo
Now is not a good time to photocopy your butt
And staple it to your bosses face, oh no
Eat a bucket of tuna-flavored pudding
Then wash it down with a gallon of Strawberry Quik

Virgo
All Virgos are extremely friendly and intelligent, except for you
Expect a big surprise today
When you wind up with your head impaled upon a stick

That’s your horoscope for today (that’s your horoscope for today)
That’s your horoscope for today
That’s your horoscope for today (that’s your horoscope for today)
That’s your horoscope for today

Now you may find it inconceivable or rather very least a bit unlikely that
The relative position of the planets and the stars
Could have a special deep significance or meaning
That exclusively applies to only you

But, let me give you my assurance that
These forecasts and predictions are all based on
Solid, scientific, documented evidence
So you would have to be some kind of moron
Not to realize that every single one of them is absolutely true

Where was I?

Libra
A big promotion is just around
The corner for someone much more talented than you
Laughter is the very best medicine
Remember that when your appendix bursts next week

Scorpio, get ready for an
Unexpected trip
When you fall screaming from an open window
Work a little bit harder on improving your low self-esteem, you stupid freak

Sagittarius
All your friends are laughing behind your back (kill them)
Take down all those naked pictures of
Ernest Borgnine, you’ve got hanging in your den

Capricorn
The stars say that you’re an exciting and wonderful person
But, you know they’re lying
If I were you, I’d lock my doors and windows
And never, never, never, never, never leave my house again

That’s your horoscope for today (that’s your horoscope for today)
That’s your horoscope for today
That’s your horoscope for today (that’s your horoscope for today)
That’s your horoscope for today

That’s your horoscope for today (that’s your horoscope for today)
That’s your horoscope for today
That’s your horoscope for today (yay, yay, yay, yay, yay)
That’s your horoscope for today

Source: Musixmatch

EYG Comic Cavalcade #202

May 11

I always feel bad when the EYG Comic Cavalcade slides to Monday, but there were just too many books for me to get to on a packed full weekend. Even after spending time reading on Wednesday at Comic World, I could not find the time to get them all done until now. I even had to read some tonight before doing this write-up in order to get to this post.

While I was at Comic World, I was sitting reading at their table. By the end of the afternoon, I went to get up and my knee was terrible. I could barely walk, and I thought, am I so old that I can hurt myself… sitting?

Comic of the Week

If Destruction Be Our Lot #1

It came down to this book and Dog Tag #1 this week for Comic of the Week, but I wound up choosing the new Image Comic book, If Destruction Be Our Lot #1.

It is a great premise with the humans being gone and robots being the main characters. The Abraham Lincoln robot makes for an awesome protagonist and the idea that there are surviving humans somewhere works as a conflict. This has promise to be an exceptional series.

Plus, the C cover was the Bronze Medalist this week.

Books this week:

Dog Tag #1. Written by Mark Russell with pencils by PJ Holden. Cover art was done by PJ Holden & JP Jordan. The book that was neck and neck with If Destruction Be Our Lot #1 as Comic of the Week, Dog Tag #1 was an exceptional read. A World War II story about a journalist and his time during the war. Tom Fuller is the main protagonist and I was surprised how much I was engaged with him. This was a strong first issue and I am excited about where this goes from here. Another winner for Mad Cave.

Wade Wilson: Deadpool#2. “Bad Calls” Written by Benjamin Percy with art by Geoff Shaw. Cover art was done by Geoff Shaw & Alex Sinclair. Deadpool spends a bunch of this issue inside the trunk of Hammerhead’s car. He gets out to try and save Blind Al from Hammerhead. Oh, and, by the way, Blind Al is the one who was sending the mysterious future notes to Wade. This new Deadpool book has been cooking with a down and depressed Wade and a lot of mysteries.

She-Spawn #1. “American Dream.” Written by Gail Simone and art and cover art by Ig Guara. I picked this up only as a collector. I had zero interest in this book and it had a destiny for the number one box. Then I noticed that it was written by Gail Simone (GAIL!!!!) and I thought, okay, I should at least read it before I subject it to the number one box, but even with the wonderful Gail Simone at the helm, I was not going to like a Spawn book (yes, I know I like Sam and Twitch, but this is different). So I read it and…. I can’t believe it… I thought it was great. So great that I want to buy #2 when it comes out. AAAARARGGGGHHH! What were the odds? I don’t like Spawn. But I was thoroughly entertained with this book. Dang it.

Excommunicated: The Unholy Body Bag #I. Written by Jeremy Robinson and art by Tiago Palma. Cover art by Tyler Crook. This is very strange. I picked up this black bag because it looked cool and I found out that this was cover G. Then I learned that cover A is coming out next week. What? The variants come out the week before cover A? Does that happen… ever? I liked the book so I will probably grab cover A if available, but it was confusing for awhile.

Absolute Superman #19. “Red Steel in the House of Chaos.” Written by Jason Aaron with art by Rafa Sandoval. Cover art was done by Rafa Sandoval & Ulises Arreola. Superman faces off with Absolute Shazam (or is he absolute Black Adam… or some kind of amalgam of them?) and we meet absolute Steel. Has Absolute Superman met his match? Quick cameo of Absolute Batman too.

Royals #2. Written by Derek Kirk Kim with art and cover art by Jacob Perez. The trouble is brewing for Paul and Castor as their telepathic poker scam is coming out in the open and there is a player angry about being ripped off. I really liked the time we spent with the brothers, particularly Castor this issue. The character beats worked to provide us more details on the two brothers. I am enjoying this new book very much.

All-New Spider-Gwen: Ghost Spider #20. Written by Stephanie Phillips and art by Paolo Villanelli. Cover art was done by David Marquez & Federico Blee. I have to say, I was, at first, unhappy with this issue. Gwen becoming a Green Goblin felt so already done that I was not pleased. Then, the story took a twist and won me back with one unexpected turn. I think this is the final issue for this book, which is unfortunate. I feel as if it was just starting to hit its stride.

Ben 10 #1. “Man of Action.” Written by Joe Casey with art by Robert Carey. Variant cover C art was done by Dustin Nguyen (Silver Medalist). Another book that I did not plan on reading or continuing to collect. Ben 10 was never my jam of a cartoon. But, as the collector, I wanted to grab a copy and I picked out a beautiful, simple cover by Dustin Nguyen for my collection. The cover was so nice that I decided to give it a chance. The fact that Dynamite has had some other characters that I never watched or didn’t care about (Captain Planet, Silverhawks, Darkwing Duck, Ursula, etc.) in series that I really enjoyed added to the curiosity with this book. Of course, I read it and I really liked it too. Come on Dynamite… you pick characters that I do not like, you are not then supposed to make a comic that I want to buy.

Marc Spector: Moon Knight #4. “Break and Enter” Part One. Written by Jed MacKay and art by Devmalya Pramanik. Cover art was done by Paulo Siqueira & Rachelle Rosenberg. Moon Knight’s crew at the Midnight Mission went in search of Marc, and wound up disappearing themselves. Marc is back and looking for his friends… inside a building covered by a blackness… that is spreading. What is this new, weird supernatural building and what has it done with Tigra, 8-Ball, Hunter’s Moon and the others.

X-Men #29. “Danger Room, Pt. 4“. Written by Jed MacKay with pencils by Netho Diaz. Cover art was done by Netho Diaz, Sean Parsons, & Fer Sifuentes-Sujo. While Quentin is out of control in search of whom shot Glob Herman, something bizarre is going on with the X-Men. Are they zombies? Cyclops has certainly looked better. Wild stuff in the world of the mutants.

Amazing Spider-Man #28. Written by Joe Kelly with guest pencilers Cory Smith with Francesco Manna. Cover art was done by Marcio Menyz & Erick Arciniega. This was a fun Spider-Man issue as Peter receives a major mission from Doctor Strange, but has to take care of a bunch of tangents on the way to the location. There are several fun cameos and moments for Peter in this issue. It may be a filler issue, but it is how a filler issue should be.

Daredevil #2. Written by Stephanie Phillips with art and cover art by Lee Garbett. Matt Murdock has all kinds of problems surrounding him. He has to take on the Owl to find out what is happening, and, even though he does not get much from him, it adds to his mind. Matt’s class of students gave him grief too as he is trying to be a professor. And HEY! it’s Spider-Man!

Fall of the House of Slaughter #1. Written by Tate Brombal and illustrated by Adriano Turtulici. The Dragon is dying. The other houses are preparing to nominate someone to take his place once he passes on. But who really wants the position? The Dragon has his own idea… Erica Slaughter. But… everyone believes that she is dead.

Cyclops #4. “Seeing Red” Part 4. Written by Alex Paknadel and art by Rogê Antonio. This Cyclops, blind and in the woods story has been fantastic so far. I have really enjoyed seeing Scott being challenged by losing his visor and glasses, and having to be chased by the Reavers. I am excited to see where this is going.

Muppets Noir #3. Written, Drawn & cover art by Roger Langridge. This has been a really fun Dynamite book. I do love the Muppets and seeing Kermit as a noir detective (and not a very good one) with Miss Piggy running around, making him look bad, is awesome. It looks like next issue is the final one for this series, but I want more Muppets! Let’s make it happen, Dynamite (or Disney… whoever!).

Fantastic Four #10. Written by Ryan North with pencils by Humberto Ramos. Cover art was done by Humberto Ramos & Edgar Delgado. The Invincible Woman has arrived in the 616-universe as the Fantastic Four and a bunch of their allies have to bring her down. Oh, and Sue has to save Galactus.

Captain Marvel: Dark Past #2. Written by Paul Jenkins and art and cover art by Lucas Werneck. I like this mystery involving Carol and her past memories. I think this is a great use of history, as Carol has to come to see Rogue about something she did not remember.

Batman #9. “Operation Peregrine.” Written by Matt Fraction and art by Ryan Sook. Cover art was done by Jorge Jimenez & Tomeu Morey. I also picked up the incentive variant cover by David Aja. The Gotham City Police have new orders. The orders are to bring down the Batman family. And in this issue, one of them does fall.

Astonishing Miles Morales: Spider-Man- The Art of Thwip #1. Written by Cody Ziglar and art by Alessandro Miracolo & Ig Guara. Cover art was done by Taurin Clarke. I have missed Miles’s book, but, to be truthful, I did not love this book. There was just too many other stories and characters than just Miles. I am sure it will get better as it moves along, but this was not the best return I hav eread.

Tales of the Green Lantern Corps: Guy Gardner #1. “Light Club.” Written by Gerry Duggan and art by Matteo Lolli, Laura Braga, and Vasco Georgiev. Cover art was done by Edwin Galmon. This was one I read tonight before starting the Comic Cavalcade, and I really liked this one. Guy Gardner is such a fun character and I enjoyed the pairing of Guy and John Stewart. I might even buy a buddy book with the two of them in it.

Other Books This Week: Godzilla #10, Sleepy Hollow: The Witches of the Western Woods #1, Red Sonja: She-Devil With a Sword #1, Star Wars: Rogue One-Cassian Andor #1, The Autumn Kingdom #4, Absolute Green lantern #14, Godzilla Infinity Roar #4, Jubilee: Deadly Reunion #1, Storm: Earth’s Mightiest Mutant #4, and the Center Holds #3.

Quick Hits: The first quick hit this week is Speed Racer #8 from Mad Cave. This has been a consistently engaging book. I had no idea that Marvel was putting out a book called Civil War: Unmasked #1. I think they were trying to make Tony Stark’s out-of-character behavior during Civil War make more sense as he takes a trip to Bishop’s future. Not sure it worked like they wanted, but there was a foil cover that I picked up that was the Gold Medalist of the week. Comics! The Magazine #3 dropped this week with a cool interview with Kevin Eastman. Ghost Machine: The Official Guidebook #2 came out this week and it goes right up to the letter Z with Zigzag. It says that there will be a six-issue series, but where do they go after Z? The 20th Century Studios book Alien: King Killer #2 has been extremely interesting. I like them using the Xenomorphs in this way. Joe Benitez’s Lady Mechanika: The Mechanical Menagerie #1 came out this week too. It definitely is a sequel series that I might have to look for to understand what is going on here. A new story with Hank Howard from Bad Idea came out this week with Hank Howard Pizza Detective: A Slice of Life #1. Energon Universe 2026 Special #1 sets up the future of the Energon Universe, including the new series MASK. Then, finally, Estuary: A Ghost Story #2 was the last book I read tonight before this post.

Daily Countdown: Weird Al Songs #49

#49

CNR

Title: “CNR”

Written: Al Yankovic

Album: Alpocalypse

Released: 2011

Style Parody: The White Stripes

Genre: Punk Blues/Alternative Rock

I was always a fan of Charles Nelson Reilly, specifically from the Match Game. I remember niot knowing what the reference of CNR was when I first got Alpocalypse. This was one of my favorite videos released for these songs.

Lyrics

Charles Nelson Reilly was a mighty man
The kind of man you’d never disrespect
He stood eight feet tall, wore glasses
And he had a third nipple on the back of his neck
He ate his own weight in coal, and excreted diamonds everyday
He could throw you down a flight of stairs
But you still would love him anyway
Yeah, you know you’d love him anyway, oh

Charles Nelson Reilly won the Tour de France
With two flat tires and a missing chain
He trained a rattlesnake to do his laundry
I’m telling you the man was insane
He could rip out your beating heart
And show it to you right before you died
Everyday he’d make the host of Match Game
Give him a piggyback ride
Yeah, two hour piggyback ride, giddy up Gene

The ninja warrior, master of disguise
He could melt your brain with his laser-beam eyes, oh yeah
Oh yeah
He had his own line at the DMV
He made sweet, sweet love to a manatee
Oh yeah
Oh yeah, that was something to see, I tell ya

Charles Nelson Reilly sold his toenail clippings
As a potent aphrodisiac
He ran a four minute mile blindfolded
With an engine block strapped to his back
He could eat more frozen waffles
Then any other man I know
Once he fell off the Chrysler building
And he barely even stubbed his toe
Had a tiny little scratch on his toe
Didn’t even hurt

Charles Nelson Reilly figured out cold fusion
But he never ever told a soul
I’ve seen the man unhinge his jaw
And swallow a Volkswagen whole
He’d bash your face in with a shovel
If you didn’t treat him like a star
You could spit at the wind, or tug at Superman’s cape
But Lord knows you don’t mess around with CNR

No, no, no
Talkin’ about CNR

Source: Musixmatch

Sunday Morning Sidewalk #68

Spoilers

A Knight of the Seven Nine Kingdoms

I finished the HBO Max show A Knight of the Seven Kingdom, which ended with Egg telling Duncan that there are actually nine kingdoms and not seven. It was a funny little bit at the end of the series.

This final episode was mostly wrap up after last week’s major Trial of Seven. You could how many people were blaming Ser Duncan for the death of Prince Baelor, which is completely unfair considering the circumstances.

Prince Maekar Targaryen was very resentful toward Duncan, but he did request that Duncan take Egg on as a squire while Duncan’s own training continued. Duncan refused stating that he was done with princes.

However, Duncan changed his mind under the condition that they were free to roam. Maekar rejected this idea as he said Egg was a prince and would not live a life of poverty.

At the very end of the show, Egg approached Duncan telling him that his father had changed his mind and accepted the condition.

I knew immediately that Egg was lying. I did not expect to have that confirmed in a mid credit scene where Maekar was searching for Egg. I feel for Duncan and worry that this is going to lead to another problem for him down the road.

However, with this series concluding, perhaps we will not see either of these characters again. As someone who never watched Game of Thrones, A Knight of the Seven Kingdoms was a lot of fun and an enjoyable story. Episodes were short and easy to digest and I did not feel as if I needed the Game of Thrones to enjoy this show (although I might have missed some Easter eggs I wouldn’t have if I had more knowledge).

Next week, the Sunday Morning Sidewalk continues starting with the four episode documentary on Netflix based on the life of Hulk Hogan, entitled Hulk Hogan: Real American.

Daily Countdown: Weird Al Songs #50

#50

Handy

Title: “Handy”

Album: Mandatory Fun

Released: 2014

Written: Amethyst Amelia Kelly / Charlotte Emma Aitchison / George Astasio / Jason Andrew Pebworth / John Turner / Jonathan Christopher Shave / Kurtis Isaac Mckenzie /Al Yankovic

Parody: Iggy Azalea’s “Fancy” (feat. Charli XCX)

We enter the top 50 of our countdown with this parody of “Fancy.” The video was one of the eight released daily for Mandatory Fun.

Lyrics

First things first, I’m a craftsman (craftsman)
Remodelling is my only passion (it’s my passion)
And I’m the greatest in the business
Want referrals, yo
My clientèle will bear you witness (right, right)
I can help when your door jamb sticks (heh?)
There is nothing in the world I can’t fix (yeah)
I do tiles, I do stone, I do bricks
Call me, I’ll come rushing over with my bag of tricks (bag of tricks)
Where you go when your disposal is rusted (rusted)
Termite problem making you disgusted (yuck)
When your front window is busted (hey, hey, hey)
Just one name that’s always trusted

I’m so handy, you already know
I’ll fix your plumbing when your toilets overflow
I’m so handy, I’ll bring you up to code
When your dishwasher’s about to explode

Now you see that your furnace is needing some service
I’m fully bonded, no need to be nervous
Perhaps you would like a new counter Formica
Maybe I’ll hook up your dish washer combo dryer
But all your pipes are antique
Your water pressure’s too weak
You got an attic full of dry rot
Because your roof sprung a leak
Your fridge is starting to reek
Your hardwood floors really squeak
But don’t you worry I’ll just show you my amazing technique
Now let me glue that, glue that and screw that, screw that
Any random chore you got, well I can do that, do that
Or maybe I’ll just rewire your house for fun
I got 99 problems but a switch ain’t one

I’m so handy, everyone says so
I’ll grout your bathroom, resurface your patio
I’m so handy, I’m the guy to know
When your leaf blower doesn’t blow-oh-oh-oh

Patch the drywall, clean your gutters and mow the lawn
Make that phone call, I’ll install anything you want
Yeah, check my big staple gun, my socket wrenches are second to none
I won’t quit ’til I’m done, don’t even care if I hammer my thumb (ow)

Still rocking my screwdriver
Got the whole world thinking I’m MacGyver
Your heating bills are shocking
I can solve that with some duct tape and some caulking
Your house is a disaster, huh?
Need a guy whose a master with the plaster, huh?
Let me be your stripper
Taking off lacquer, no one does it quicker

I’m so handy, you already know
I’ll beat all price quotes, my hourly rates are low
I’m so handy, you should call this pro
I’m in the phone book and se habla español

Source: LyricFind

Widow’s Bay S1 E1

Spoilers

“Welcome to Widow’s Bay!”

I was watching the YouTube show Fatman Beyond with Kevin Smith and Marc Bernardin the other day when Marc talked about a new Apple TV + show that he started called Widow’s Bay. He spoke highly of the show and said how he planned on continuing to watch it. It piqued my curiosity so i watched episode one tonight.

There are four total episodes released at this point, three in the same night. I have to say that this first episode does an amazing job of grabbing your attention and I find myself fully into the show, excited about watching the next episode.

The premise of the show is there is a small time mayor Tom Loftis (Matthew Rhys) is trying to increase the tourism to the island where they live, but he is having trouble from the locals who are about as superstitious as you will find. Sadly, the superstitions are having the same affect on Tom as he is becoming paranoid and uneasy.

However, clearly there are strange things going on with this island, including some potentially soul-stealing fog.

This show is right up my alley. It feels like a throwback to a combination of LOST, Stephen King and Jaws. I loved the final shot of the first episode with an electric chair way beneath the town in a tunnel. What does that have to do with the bizarre events that have Tom so spooked.

The show has done a great job of building tension and creating an air of paranoia among Tom and the viewers. With the supernatural elements in existence, the town’s truth is the central mystery. It is appealing and compelling.

One of the best characters so far is played by Stephen Root, which is always awesome. This character is being set as on the opposite side of Tom, as he pushes the crazy ideas of the island.

I will be continuing with Widow’s Bay on Apple TV + moving forward. I’m hoping to get to the second episode sometime tomorrow.

Daily Countdown: Weird Al Songs #51

#51

Germs

Title: “Germs”

Album: Running With Scissors

Released: 1999

Written: Al Yankovic

Style Pastiche: Nine Inch Nails

Genre: Industrial Rock

Lyrics

Sometimes I really want to be alone
But that’s one state I’m never in
Because I know that I’ve got millions upon millions
Of tiny, one-celled organisms living on my skin

I rub and scrub until my flesh is raw and bleeding
(Germs) But they just come right back again
(Germs) I can’t even see’em,
but I know they’re up to something
Hey, don’t touch that – you don’t know where it’s been!

They’re all over me
They’re inside of me
Can’t get’em off a me

I’m covered with… microscopic bacteria
What do they want from me
What’ll they do to me?
There’s no escape for me
I’m crawling with microscopic bacteria

Now if I ever dare to go to sleep
That’s when they start their sneak attack
In the morning I wake up in utter horror
To find my teeth are covered with bacterial plaque

Can’t get those parasitic creatures off my face
(Germs) And there’s more comin’ every day
(Germs) I never said that they could camp out on my body
I wish they’d pack their tiny little bags and move away

They’re all over me
They’re inside of me
Can’t get’em off a me
I’m covered with… microscopic bacteria
What do they want from me
What’ll they do to me?
There’s no escape for me
I’m crawling with microscopic bacteria

They’re creepin’ around my shorts
They’re under the bathroom sink
They’re ridin’ inside my car
They’re swimmin’ in every drink
They’re hidin’ between my toes
They’re lurkin’ in every kiss
I got’em way up my nose
In every orifice
I’m gonna show them who’s boss
I’m gonna get even yet
Just gimme some Lysol spray
Just hand me a moist towelette
Don’t tell me I’m paranoid
I know that they’re after me
Look under the microscope
See??

They’re all over me
They’re inside of me
Can’t get’em off a me
I’m covered with microscopic bacteria
What do they want from me
What’ll they do to me?
There’s no escape for me
I’m crawling with microscopic bacteria

They’re all over me
I can feel’em all over me
Over every part of me
Microscopic bacteria
I know they’re watching me
They’re always watching me
They’re coming after me
Microscopic bacteria
Won’t somebody help
Please somebody help me
You’ve got to believe me
They’re out to get me
They want to control me
They want to destroy me
They’re tryin’ to kill me
It kind of upsets me

Source: LyricFind

Daily Countdown: Weird Al Songs #52

#52

Jerry Springer

Title: “Jerry Springer”

Album: Running With Scissors

Released: 1999

Parody: “One Week” by the Barenaked Ladies

Written: Ed Robertson/Al Yankovic

Lyrics

It’s been one week since we got to see
Cheatin’ lovers and cousins that marry
Five days since they had the show
With the hermaphrodite, the slut and the crack ho
Three days since we heard the tale
About the guy who learned his woman was a she-male
Yesterday it occurred to me
That I’ve been watchin’ a bit too much Jerry Springer

Holy cow, did you see it last week?
Well, they had this one freak
Who sucker-punched his whole family
Do you recall when the brawl became a total free-for-all?
And Jerry’s in the middle tryin’ to be the referee
Hey, see the stripper with the implants?
She likes to lap dance
And date the boyfriend of her mother
Now here comes Jerry’s next guest
And it’s a slugfest
‘Cause it’s her trailer trash brother

Nymphomaniac is back on crack, it’s like When Animals Attack
They all exhibit reprehensible behavior
Hit ’em in the nose, tear off their clothes
Step on their toes, that’s how it goes
They get so violent they have to sign a waiver

They’re always swearin’, cursin’, kickin’ butt and pointin’ blame
On the air? They don’t care, they’ve got no shame
There was one guy who I’m sure felt a little strange
When he found out that his wife had a sex change
They have a tendency to scream and yell constantly
They have a history of ripping off their shirts

It’s been one week since they had the fight
With the Siamese twins and the transvestite
Five days since that awful brawl
They still haven’t got the blood off the wall
It’s been three days since the bitter feud
Between the KKK and that gay Jewish black dude
Yesterday, it finally dawned on me
I’m spendin’ way too much time on that Jerry Springer

Baby, I’ve been sleepin’ with your sister
Oh, which one? All of ’em
Ah, well, I’ve been sleepin’ with your best friend Jake
Yeah? Well, me too, and, I’ve been sleepin’ with your dog Woofie
Woofie, you bi-, well I’m also sleepin’ with your pet goat
That goat doesn’t love you

Once you start watchin’, there’s just no stoppin’
Your brain shuts down, then your IQ’s droppin’
Jerry’s the king of confrontation
He’s a sensation, he puts the sin in syndication
It’s totally worthless, like a bad check
It’s like a train wreck
Don’t want to stare, but you can’t look away
Like Sally Jesse he does talk shows
But with more weirdos
The ratings jumpin’ higher every day

If you’ve seen the show, well then you know
It’s just as low as you can go
The guests are tacky and they’re lacking in their hygiene
And pretty soon some ugly goon comes in the room and then it’s boom
In the face of some unsuspecting drag queen

Well, it’s the kind of show where people scream obscenities
Yankin’ hair, throwin’ chairs at their hubbies
Jerry, Jerry, now the crowd starts their favorite chant
Should I turn off my TV? I just can’t
I have a tendency to watch it religiously
I have a history of taping each one

It’s been one week since the show about
Psycho killers with problems they should work out
Five days since the big surprise
When some losers wife said that she’s still dating twenty guys
Three days since he interviewed
A bunch of psychic porn star midgets who were all nude
Yesterday, it occurred to me
That I’ve been watchin’ a bit too much Jerry Springer

Tired of wastin’ my time on that Jerry Springer
I’ve got way too much class to watch Jerry Springer
Come over here and pull on my finger

Source: LyricFind